I served my dh with divorce papers after 23 years of marriage and we dated prior to that for many

[Anonymous]

years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

How were you guys paying your bills? Did he pretend he was still employed-for example did he still get dressed and go to work everyday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

Wait, wouldn't your signature be required for him to drain the 401k?

Of course your wanting to be alone right now is normal. Tell your friends you are focusing on what you have to deal with now. And make sure your attorney looks very closely at what happened with the 401k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

Wait, wouldn't your signature be required for him to drain the 401k?

Of course your wanting to be alone right now is normal. Tell your friends you are focusing on what you have to deal with now. And make sure your attorney looks very closely at what happened with the 401k.

OP-thank you. I think he rolled into IRA and/or took loans. He is stalling on the net worth statements and I don't have any money, and he isn't giving me any since I filed. His bonus went into the joint account, and he isn't living in the house. I think he's working for cash somewhere, but he hasn't given me money. Re him quitting: he did it in 2016, and again this summer. In 2016, he pretended to go to work, thought he would get a job quick and say "oh I switched companies" ...it took 6 mos. This time he quit, his attitude was "you have no say in where I work".. I filed a couple of days later. It's been a nightmare, frankly. And I hope we can trace the retirement money, but my lawyer says he might actually get some of mine bc if he spent it, that's kind of my problem, believe it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

It’snormal. I remarried about eight years after my divorce, but it took a long time to even want to want to trust someone that muchagain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

How were you guys paying your bills? Did he pretend he was still employed-for example did he still get dressed and go to work everyday?

The money in the bank is running out. He doesn't care. We have college bills due in December. We have to sell the house, but he is angry I filed and not giving docs to my lawyer so we can settle. He doesn't not want this divorce. He thinks I "broke my vows" CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM? I worked during the whole marriage for the same company for 20 years and was laid off when the company was sold in the early summer. I was given a 6 month severance package which went towards college tuition. My dh quite his job a month later with no warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

It’snormal. I remarried about eight years after my divorce, but it took a long time to even want to want to trust someone that muchagain.

op-so did you get to a place where you were "happy" and could be in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

You served. He has a certain amount of time to answer. You can tell your lawyer to stick to the legal deadlines please. He'll have to get on board.

[Anonymous]

my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person.

You're broke, probably late 40s or early 50s, 3 kids, and you have a broke, drunk, abusive ex. More red flags than a Soviet military parade. But good luck on the dating scene!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person.

You're broke, probably late 40s or early 50s, 3 kids, and you have a broke, drunk, abusive ex. More red flags than a Soviet military parade. But good luck on the dating scene!

Drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

Wait, wouldn't your signature be required for him to drain the 401k?

Of course your wanting to be alone right now is normal. Tell your friends you are focusing on what you have to deal with now. And make sure your attorney looks very closely at what happened with the 401k.

A 401K is in the name of an individual and a withdrawal or loan against it only requires the signature of the owner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

It’snormal. I remarried about eight years after my divorce, but it took a long time to even want to want to trust someone that muchagain.

op-so did you get to a place where you were "happy" and could be in a relationship?

I was happy almost immediately after the last court date. Happy and interested in another marriage are too different things. I dated DH about 18 months before I started to want to want to be that vulnerable with him. He was always amazing, but I wasn’t there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

It’snormal. I remarried about eight years after my divorce, but it took a long time to even want to want to trust someone that muchagain.

op-so did you get to a place where you were "happy" and could be in a relationship?

OP, you are nuts! Your life is blowing up and you’re worried about your next boyfriend?

Seriously! Figure out your divorce first. Nobody wants to walk into the clusterf*ck that is your situation right now.

Get divorced, then worry about taking the perfect selfie for your dating profile.

But mostly, just get divorced.

And if I wasn’t clear: Get divorced!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

Wait, wouldn't your signature be required for him to drain the 401k?

Of course your wanting to be alone right now is normal. Tell your friends you are focusing on what you have to deal with now. And make sure your attorney looks very closely at what happened with the 401k.

OP-thank you. I think he rolled into IRA and/or took loans. He is stalling on the net worth statements and I don't have any money, and he isn't giving me any since I filed. His bonus went into the joint account, and he isn't living in the house. I think he's working for cash somewhere, but he hasn't given me money. Re him quitting: he did it in 2016, and again this summer. In 2016, he pretended to go to work, thought he would get a job quick and say "oh I switched companies" ...it took 6 mos. This time he quit, his attitude was "you have no say in where I work".. I filed a couple of days later. It's been a nightmare, frankly. And I hope we can trace the retirement money, but my lawyer says he might actually get some of mine bc if he spent it, that's kind of my problem, believe it or not.

Those are two entirely different things. You will be able to trace a rollover. What state are you in? Generally you will be sanctioned for attorney fees if you don't comply with production deadlines.

I think it is highly, highly unlikely he is working for cash if he makes north of $150K. The people that work for cash are making far less than that and are usually working class / tradesmen.

There's a lot that doesn't add up here.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a real job OP? You are a cautionary tale for all these SAHMs