I served my dh with divorce papers after 23 years of marriage and we dated prior to that for many

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

So 800k sounds like a lot. He was not making 170k when he started working so his early contributions would have been much small at the begin...even if he was really aggressive and had a max matching from the employer...he would have maybe something like 300k. That’s with a 6% return which most people do get on there 401k. If he was not aggressive, got in late, skipped a few years or the company did not match it could just be 100k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

It’snormal. I remarried about eight years after my divorce, but it took a long time to even want to want to trust someone that muchagain.

op-so did you get to a place where you were "happy" and could be in a relationship?

OP, you are nuts! Your life is blowing up and you’re worried about your next boyfriend?

Seriously! Figure out your divorce first. Nobody wants to walk into the clusterf*ck that is your situation right now.

Get divorced, then worry about taking the perfect selfie for your dating profile.

But mostly, just get divorced.

And if I wasn’t clear: Get divorced!

I actually suggest that you wait quite a while after the divorce is finalized to date again. Get your life put back together and then see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

I do not blame you for wanting to ride solo for awhile.

After enduring so much w/your STBX - it is only normal + natural for you to avoid men like the “plague.”

These situations tend to take a ton from you.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have a job or any of your own money, yet you filed for divorce? And now you’ve just discovered your husband quit his job and drained his retirement? Did he secretly take out a second mortgage on the home? Do you even have any assets?

What’s your game plan? How will you support yourself? And your kids?

You just might need to focus on landing a new husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a job or any of your own money, yet you filed for divorce? And now you’ve just discovered your husband quit his job and drained his retirement? Did he secretly take out a second mortgage on the home? Do you even have any assets?

What’s your game plan? How will you support yourself? And your kids?

You just might need to focus on landing a new husband.

The trolls are out in force on this post.

[Anonymous]

The lesson here, always have your own money. Always.

[Anonymous]

Omg so all of this and you are worried about finding another man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:years. We started dating in college, but didn't live together til we were married. I found out he cleaned out his 401K, it should have been at least 800K. He spent all but 100K, probably several hundred thousand in cash, i'm not sure on what. He has some expensive hobbies, but i'm really not sure and he won't say. I think it has something to do with a "dating service" bc in a moment of weakness after I filed he mentioned something along those lines. He also quite his 170K job without telling me. That is what prompted me to serve him, after that I found out about the retirement money missing. He obviously has problems, he drinks a lot too. He is now stalling on the divorce and can't believe I served him, i guess he thought i wouldn't despite my warnings in the past. Anyway, my life is upside down, we have 3 kids--2 who are in college. I can't imagine starting my life over but I have to, I'm very good looking and my friends keep telling me that I will "have no problem" finding a new person. The thing is, it's the very last thing on my mind. I have no desire to trust anyone again. I want to be alone. Is that normal?

So 800k sounds like a lot. He was not making 170k when he started working so his early contributions would have been much small at the begin...even if he was really aggressive and had a max matching from the employer...he would have maybe something like 300k. That’s with a 6% return which most people do get on there 401k. If he was not aggressive, got in late, skipped a few years or the company did not match it could just be 100k.

I have 500k after 13 years of work. 800k seems about right for 20 years of funding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have a job or any of your own money, yet you filed for divorce? And now you’ve just discovered your husband quit his job and drained his retirement? Did he secretly take out a second mortgage on the home? Do you even have any assets?

What’s your game plan? How will you support yourself? And your kids?

You just might need to focus on landing a new husband.

The trolls are out in force on this post.

How do you support yourself without a job, with an unemployed ex, and with drained bank accounts?

[Anonymous]

If you’re mid-40s or older and haven’t worked in years, what’s your plan?

If your husband lost his job, you won’t be collecting alimony. And while your youngest kid will be entitled to child support, you can’t get blood from a stone.

Since he drained the retirement, he might have taken out a second mortgage on the home. Have you checked?

[Anonymous]

READ, PEOPLE!

OP worked for the same company for 20 years, was laid off this summer, and used her severance to pay for college.

She probably assumed she could sell the house, get the retirement share she’s entitled to, and majorly downsize.

OP, I’m really sorry. This sucks for you. Make your lawyer do the work, trace that $$. You definitely need a spouse’s signature to withdraw or get a loan on those funds. If he rolled over, find out where.

[Anonymous]

So, neither party has a job?

[Anonymous]

I think OP’s bigger problem will be having to pay alimony to her husband or assist him during retirement if he does not remarry since he drained his 401k and she still has hers...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP’s bigger problem will be having to pay alimony to her husband or assist him during retirement if he does not remarry since he drained his 401k and she still has hers...

Yep.

I wouldn’t make any sudden moves.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, but finding a new boyfriend should not be anywhere close to a priority right now.