Local parents-finding a balance

[Anonymous]

My parents and DH parents are both local. We try our best to balance our visits for fairness. Once a month, we are sure to have a whole day for each family. It’s usually an after lunch whole day that includes dinner and dessert. If siblings/nieces nephews/cousins/aunts/uncles attend, even better. But we struggle with the in between and doom fomo from our retired parents. And our parents are so different. DH parents are chill and relaxed. They’ll bring dinner and offer to shuttle to ballet or soccer. They’ll give baths or help clean dinner. My parents on the other hand come over and expect to be treated like maternal/paternal royalty, you’re alive because of them after all, and don’t you forget it!

So naturally, I’m less inclined to invite them over. It’s never an easy thing and it has to be planned around. It involves more shopping, having my dad’s crappy coffee on hand, my mom’s Diet Pepsi. A more grand dinner, dessert. If my IL come over, they grab something on the way over, fetch the kids along the way, and wouldn’t dare use anything other than paper plates! The kids are particularly ornery that day? We will help get them settled in pajamas and leave, get out of your hair. My parents? Get those kids under control so your dad can enjoy his coffee and Jeopardy.

So how do you balance this without the jealousy that goes along with it?

[Anonymous]

People who are chill, relaxed, and make my life easier get invited over a lot more often than people for whom I have to “host.” How would your parents know if your in-laws came over for an hour on Saturday afternoon anyway?

[Anonymous]

If they are local stop the formal scheduling of one day each month for each family. My parents and IL’s each live within five minutes of us and we tend to just do things on the fly and rarely with both sets at the same time unless it is a child’s birthday. My parents and my IL’s are very different in terms of how they interact with us and our kids and we just go with the flow. They probably have no idea how much time the other parents spend with us as they never ask. My parents are always driving my kids around and I often drop in at their place for some relief but never at my IL’s because there place is small and formal and my parents place is big and full of toys. You need to relax!

[Anonymous]

OP, your parents probably won't ever be as easy-going as your DH parents, but event minor adjustments may help.

I had to have a talk with my mom who expected that when she is here (and she is here two times a year about five weeks each time) we need to socialize all the time, have people over on weekends, have long chats with her every night into midnight, that we fetch her her brand of shampoos on demand, extra table lamps, fix her computer immediately, buy her her favorite groceries as soon as asked, drive her around, etc. etc. After my hints that we both have full time jobs and two kids with homework and activities and we can entertain her one weekend, but not for five weeks, I had to have a frank discussion that we are not running a resort and we are happy to have her, but some nights I want to talk to my husband - alone, read a book, not have special occasion every weekend, etc. - she actually understood and would often just go read in the guest room or go for walks on her own or cook and not make a big deal out of it.

Your situation is completely different, but sometimes explaining that you have kids and formal is hard, you want help with dinner or cleanup might make your life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your parents probably won't ever be as easy-going as your DH parents, but event minor adjustments may help.

I had to have a talk with my mom who expected that when she is here (and she is here two times a year about five weeks each time) we need to socialize all the time, have people over on weekends, have long chats with her every night into midnight, that we fetch her her brand of shampoos on demand, extra table lamps, fix her computer immediately, buy her her favorite groceries as soon as asked, drive her around, etc. etc. After my hints that we both have full time jobs and two kids with homework and activities and we can entertain her one weekend, but not for five weeks, I had to have a frank discussion that we are not running a resort and we are happy to have her, but some nights I want to talk to my husband - alone, read a book, not have special occasion every weekend, etc. - she actually understood and would often just go read in the guest room or go for walks on her own or cook and not make a big deal out of it.

Your situation is completely different, but sometimes explaining that you have kids and formal is hard, you want help with dinner or cleanup might make your life easier.

Omg it would be ww3! They are just of such a different mentality, like they put in their time and are elders who must be celebrated. If I said we were having carryout and I only had Diet Coke, it would be seen as a personal insult to them as matriarch and patriarch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your parents probably won't ever be as easy-going as your DH parents, but event minor adjustments may help.

I had to have a talk with my mom who expected that when she is here (and she is here two times a year about five weeks each time) we need to socialize all the time, have people over on weekends, have long chats with her every night into midnight, that we fetch her her brand of shampoos on demand, extra table lamps, fix her computer immediately, buy her her favorite groceries as soon as asked, drive her around, etc. etc. After my hints that we both have full time jobs and two kids with homework and activities and we can entertain her one weekend, but not for five weeks, I had to have a frank discussion that we are not running a resort and we are happy to have her, but some nights I want to talk to my husband - alone, read a book, not have special occasion every weekend, etc. - she actually understood and would often just go read in the guest room or go for walks on her own or cook and not make a big deal out of it.

Your situation is completely different, but sometimes explaining that you have kids and formal is hard, you want help with dinner or cleanup might make your life easier.

Omg it would be ww3! They are just of such a different mentality, like they put in their time and are elders who must be celebrated. If I said we were having carryout and I only had Diet Coke, it would be seen as a personal insult to them as matriarch and patriarch.

So?? Let it happen...I did it with my parents - not to that extent. But at some point, we got tired of just the holiday demands. We decided that we were only going places for holidays if we wanted to. We took about two years off and it was bliss. Now...we go..when it works. But, we go the day after Christmas. We stay in a hotel. We push for other options. Having young kids and both working is just insane. Things will be fine...my parents are much, much easier to deal with now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your parents probably won't ever be as easy-going as your DH parents, but event minor adjustments may help.

I had to have a talk with my mom who expected that when she is here (and she is here two times a year about five weeks each time) we need to socialize all the time, have people over on weekends, have long chats with her every night into midnight, that we fetch her her brand of shampoos on demand, extra table lamps, fix her computer immediately, buy her her favorite groceries as soon as asked, drive her around, etc. etc. After my hints that we both have full time jobs and two kids with homework and activities and we can entertain her one weekend, but not for five weeks, I had to have a frank discussion that we are not running a resort and we are happy to have her, but some nights I want to talk to my husband - alone, read a book, not have special occasion every weekend, etc. - she actually understood and would often just go read in the guest room or go for walks on her own or cook and not make a big deal out of it.

Your situation is completely different, but sometimes explaining that you have kids and formal is hard, you want help with dinner or cleanup might make your life easier.

Omg it would be ww3! They are just of such a different mentality, like they put in their time and are elders who must be celebrated. If I said we were having carryout and I only had Diet Coke, it would be seen as a personal insult to them as matriarch and patriarch.

So let them be upset. They can see you a lot or they can be waited on hand and foot. See your ILs when you want to.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop catering to them. The next time they come for dinner serve Tortino's pizza rolls and diet coke. If they complain, tell them you get what you get and don't get upset. Do it again the next time. If they make demands for something better you simply say "Well that is not happening." If they say, you wouldn't be alive without us where is my filet and Diet Pepsi." You say "Well you should have bought a restaurant instead of having children, sucks to be you now doesn't it?"

You need to see that they are behaving like toddlers and treat them accordingly. My preschooler would really prefer ice cream and cookies for dinner. If I gave it to her every night she would be very upset to start getting a nutritional meal. She might even throw a little fit. Too bad - you wouldn't give a 3 year old ice cream and cookies for dinner because she threw a fit now would you?

They will either change and accept the new normal or they will stop coming. Either way you win.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP - you are coddling them way too much. Yes, you should invite them; yes, you should be polite and be decent hosts. But you don't have to turn your house into a 5-star resort. Give them a heads-up the next time that things might be different, "Mom and Dad, we're excited to see you Saturday. Just know that it's a crazy weekend with Larla's soccer game and Petey's swim meet, so we'll just have a casual dinner that night." If they complain about take-out, pizza or whatever, just say that you had warned them that it was a busy weekend and that you said it would be more casual than usual. Then it's a good time to say, "Mom & Dad, we love having you, but this is what a lot of our weekends will look like so thanks for understanding." If they continue to complain, then just stick with your once a month gathering with them and don't feel guilty about extra visits with the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Stop hosting these scheduled get togethers and have it happen more naturally. Call and say “Larla would love you to come watch her soccer game. Then we are all going out to brunch.” Then everyone goes home to their own house.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting your parents. When they sent art making noise about it be honest and tell them that their demands add too much stress to your already stressed life. Parents who play the “I gave you life” card are so puzzling and off-putting. Did they invent procreation? They didn’t do anything that billions of other humans have done before then.

[Anonymous]

*start not “sent art”. WTH?

[Anonymous]

Uh, no one sets the tone in MY house, but DH and me.

"If you guys want to focus on 'Jeopardy' and coffee, you'd probably be better off heading home. The kids are blowing off some steam after a long week, and we're going to be relaxed in our home tonight."

"You're welcome to come over for dinner next Sunday, but fair warning: we're having Stouffer's lasagna and salad, because it's been a crazy month and I'm not up for cooking. If you'd rather bring over some takeout or something else, feel free! Just let me know by Thursday."

"Our plans for Saturday are to take the kids to the new 'Toy Story' movie, then out for dinner at Red Robin. Would you like to join?"

"Sure, Sunday sounds great. We'll be ordering pizza unless you'd rather order or bring something else."

[Anonymous]

Uh, no one sets the tone in MY house, but DH and me.

"If you guys want to focus on 'Jeopardy' and coffee, you'd probably be better off heading home. The kids are blowing off some steam after a long week, and we're going to be relaxed in our home tonight."

"You're welcome to come over for dinner next Sunday, but fair warning: we're having Stouffer's lasagna and salad, because it's been a crazy month and I'm not up for cooking. If you'd rather bring over some takeout or something else, feel free! Just let me know by Thursday."

"Our plans for Saturday are to take the kids to the new 'Toy Story' movie, then out for dinner at Red Robin. Would you like to join?"

"Sure, Sunday sounds great. We'll be ordering pizza unless you'd rather order or bring something else."

I agree with this except keep out the part about its been a crazy month. People should have to explain or apologize for why they are being casual. A manipulative relative will seize on this and work doubly hard to make you feel guilty for not doing it "right". Take the attitude that your casual fare and casual evening activities are AWESOME! Why wouldn't anyone love it?

When you say Stouffer's lasagne add and it is the BEST! We just love it. When you say were getting a pizza then add we've been looking forward to pizza all week. Can't wait!

When she asks where is the Diet Pepsi Say, oh that stuff is awful. How about some water?

[Anonymous]

Meant should NOT have to explain