At what point did your teen care more about their HS education than you did?

[Anonymous]

In other words, when did your teens develop the maturity to take their education seriously to the point that you're not on them to make more effort. When I was a teen, I recall the light bulb went on for me around 9th grade. My older brother who I respect had a little chat with me. I remember him clearly stating that everything counts now starting 9th grade and that I need to make effort every day to stay on top of my school work, and do my best in academics, use my time wisely when I have chunks of time. He also encouraged me to actively participate in extra curricular, I was in the orchestra for 7 years and absolutely loved it. I'm sure my parents told me the same thing but it didn't resonate until he had that talk with me, partly I think because he's 2 years older than me and has always been a hard worker and does well in school and had just been through the path I was about to take. I figured he knew best so I listened to him. 24 years later, my teenage boys are bright but they don't put in much effort. Everything comes easy and now my oldest who just entered 9th grade seems so laid back, he's getting B-/C+ so far and he doesn't see any problem, and doesn't want to make the effort or put in extra time to study until the night before a quiz. Last year he was on the honor roll, and I'm sure he will be again this year, but he waits until the last minute, asks for reassessments and gets his grades up right before the end of the quarter. Procastinator. How do you motivate without nagging? How does that internal drive kick-in? I've talked to him about study skills, suggested Quizlet flash cards to stay on top of classes that require memorization, websites for math to practice etc.. but he rolls his eyes and says it's fine mom. I got it. I'm trying to step back and let him sit in whatever results he gets, but at the same time, he's capable of so much more with just a little more effort.
I care too much
How do you get your teen to care more about his/her education than you do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, in same boat gas you, exhausting...
She managed to waste the whole 3 day weekend..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, when did your teens develop the maturity to take their education seriously to the point that you're not on them to make more effort. When I was a teen, I recall the light bulb went on for me around 9th grade. My older brother who I respect had a little chat with me. I remember him clearly stating that everything counts now starting 9th grade and that I need to make effort every day to stay on top of my school work, and do my best in academics, use my time wisely when I have chunks of time. He also encouraged me to actively participate in extra curricular, I was in the orchestra for 7 years and absolutely loved it. I'm sure my parents told me the same thing but it didn't resonate until he had that talk with me, partly I think because he's 2 years older than me and has always been a hard worker and does well in school and had just been through the path I was about to take. I figured he knew best so I listened to him. 24 years later, my teenage boys are bright but they don't put in much effort. Everything comes easy and now my oldest who just entered 9th grade seems so laid back, he's getting B-/C+ so far and he doesn't see any problem, and doesn't want to make the effort or put in extra time to study until the night before a quiz. Last year he was on the honor roll, and I'm sure he will be again this year, but he waits until the last minute, asks for reassessments and gets his grades up right before the end of the quarter. Procastinator. How do you motivate without nagging? How does that internal drive kick-in? I've talked to him about study skills, suggested Quizlet flash cards to stay on top of classes that require memorization, websites for math to practice etc.. but he rolls his eyes and says it's fine mom. I got it. I'm trying to step back and let him sit in whatever results he gets, but at the same time, he's capable of so much more with just a little more effort.
I care too much
How do you get your teen to care more about his/her education than you do.

Make it clear they don’t get to live with you if no college

[Anonymous]

My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

[Anonymous]

Two scenarios: My brother was very bright. NMS etc. But always got Bs and Cs because he wouldn't do the homework. Just took the tests. Got into a good school because you could still do that in the olden days with great SAT scores, joined the Peace Corps, came home, got his masters and is now...... a high school teacher! A terrific teacher and a noble human being.

My son wasn't very self motivated until he started going to camps during the summer at colleges. Like 2 weeks for different subjects and disciplines he was interested in. Once he got a feel for what college is like - he was way more into school. Sometimes I think we as parents forget that kids don't intrinsically know what college is. That it is work but it is also a lot of fun! We told our son that we wanted him to work hard so that he could have options and choices of where he wanted to go. That seemed to make a difference for us. Our daughter is just a hard worker, always has been. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

DCUM is full of people like this who offer the advice of "my kids are just naturally perfect and I'm the best parent ever". It's great that you have that life, but when folks are asking for help, this is NOT helpful. There are a LOT of people out there who work hard and read before bed... and still have challenges with their teens. In the same vein, threats like "you can't live with me if you don't go to college" won't work - not only is it likely an empty threat, and damaging to your relationship with your son, it's too abstract now for it to be motivating in any way.

OP, the best thing you can do is support, encourage, but don't fight it. Focus on school must be intrinsically motivated or you'll just end up fighting with him with both of you frustrated. My DS was exactly like yours. Bright, skated along on the honor roll until HS then the grades started to slip. We fought about it constantly his Freshman year and it was awful. Sophmore year I decided my relationship with him was more important so made sure my expectations were clear, but just accepted that he was no longer the straight A student he used to be. His grades were average-ish (A few As, Bs, and Cs here or there) for sophomore year, started improving Junior year, and now, Senior year, the importance of his grades (and the associated learning) has sunk in and he's back to straight As. I've come to realize my teen is no longer a child and I can't treat him that way any more. He's not quite a fully formed adult, but he thinks he is, so the more space and respect I give him the more he listens when I do give guidance.

It is tough - good luck!

[Anonymous]

My older child is not intrinsically motivated at all. He is in 8th grade and has just started to show an inkling of caring about school at all. I have decided to pretty much completely back away this year. He gets to figure out sink or swim before it really counts. Of course, I will be there for him if asked (and I am keeping a watch from the sidelines at this point).

My younger child (7th) is totally opposite. I find myself coaching her to back away and take a breather (de-stress).

[Anonymous]

I don’t have teens but I personally was not intrinsically motivated to do well in school until my 3rd try at college when I was in my early twenties. I went on to graduate from college with high honors, and graduated from a top tier law school with honors.

It may have helped me “get it” earlier if my mom had been more engaged in helping me focus during high school, and if I had not gone to a large research university. I probably needed some external pressure to succeed earlier but it wasn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Junior year for DD and she has severe adhd. It is like something just clicked! Praise the lord! DS always cared, but he has insane anxiety, so I wish he cared less and had more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, when did your teens develop the maturity to take their education seriously to the point that you're not on them to make more effort. When I was a teen, I recall the light bulb went on for me around 9th grade. My older brother who I respect had a little chat with me. I remember him clearly stating that everything counts now starting 9th grade and that I need to make effort every day to stay on top of my school work, and do my best in academics, use my time wisely when I have chunks of time. He also encouraged me to actively participate in extra curricular, I was in the orchestra for 7 years and absolutely loved it. I'm sure my parents told me the same thing but it didn't resonate until he had that talk with me, partly I think because he's 2 years older than me and has always been a hard worker and does well in school and had just been through the path I was about to take. I figured he knew best so I listened to him. 24 years later, my teenage boys are bright but they don't put in much effort. Everything comes easy and now my oldest who just entered 9th grade seems so laid back, he's getting B-/C+ so far and he doesn't see any problem, and doesn't want to make the effort or put in extra time to study until the night before a quiz. Last year he was on the honor roll, and I'm sure he will be again this year, but he waits until the last minute, asks for reassessments and gets his grades up right before the end of the quarter. Procastinator. How do you motivate without nagging? How does that internal drive kick-in? I've talked to him about study skills, suggested Quizlet flash cards to stay on top of classes that require memorization, websites for math to practice etc.. but he rolls his eyes and says it's fine mom. I got it. I'm trying to step back and let him sit in whatever results he gets, but at the same time, he's capable of so much more with just a little more effort.
I care too much
How do you get your teen to care more about his/her education than you do.

You are too invested and I say that as one who did too. You have to realize that it is their life and you can't control it as you did when they were younger. What helped me was when I gave the kid ownership to their school work good or bad. Meaning I didn't brag if they got all As or felt responsible if they failed a test. I told them their successes were theirs to own and their failures were too. They didn't get all As nor did they try to really and that is ok. What you want is someone taking responsibility for themselves and if they were not ok with the consequences that they had to do something ( We would help them study for example or get them a tutor) Stop asking about their work. Tell them that you believe that they are responsible for their work and it will give them confidence. 9th grade is a good time to learn this life skill. When you feel the need to ask if they did their work, resist and go for a walk.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I doubt that even half of all kids develop this kind of intrinsic motivation during high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have teens but I personally was not intrinsically motivated to do well in school until my 3rd try at college when I was in my early twenties. I went on to graduate from college with high honors, and graduated from a top tier law school with honors.

It may have helped me “get it” earlier if my mom had been more engaged in helping me focus during high school, and if I had not gone to a large research university. I probably needed some external pressure to succeed earlier but it wasn’t there.

The big word here is may. You don't know if that more external pressure would have made you more rebellious. Please stop blaming your mom. You can't change the past and it stunts your growth. It is so much easier to blame someone else than taking a good hard look at yourself at that age and realizing that your mom did her best and you might have still not "got it" until you were older. Unless your mom was a drug user or something extreme. If you have kids would you want them blaming you years after the fact

Moms are imperfect humans, so give them a break.

[Anonymous]

One of mine is intrinsically motivated and, if anything, I have to encourage her to lighten up. She's like I was in school.

The other is a junior and became a focused student in sophomore year. I don't know that he cares "more" about his doing well than I do but he cares as much as I do LOL For him a few things turned the tide... 1) ADHD was diagnosed in freshman year and medication helped him finally feel calm and focused at school 2) exec function and writing tutoring built his confidence 3) success in math class and the results of neuro-psych assessment that showed he had super-high scores in math aptitude gave him a focus for the future - he decided he wants to major in math or statistics.

While treating the ADHD was certainly a big part of it, I think that identification of something he could focus on for college helped make college more real to him, rather than this amorphous/scary thing that he had to figure out. So, there was a concrete reason to do well in school. Last summer he did a short college summer program focused on data analysis which gave him a bit of a taste of life on a college campus and that helped too.

[Anonymous]

My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

oh aren't you special

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

oh aren't you special

Ummm we do those things too, and I have one that cares and one that doesn’t. I’m not super stressed about it though. He’ll get there. He’s a sophomore and if not, that’s on him.