At what point did your teen care more about their HS education than you did?

[Anonymous]

So I have a spin on the OP's question. My 9th grade DS is similarly not intrinsically motivated, but doing fine in terms of grades at this point (all A's and B's in all honors classes). What I'm seeing is that he's not passionate/motivated about ANYTHING. He loves soccer, but has always played on rec teams and is likely not good enough to make the highschool team, so in an effort to improve his chances, my DH and I got him a private 1/wk soccer coach. He LOVES his sessions, but won't do the minimal conditioning "homework" given to him. (And in case it was just that he didn't want to do it alone, both of us separately offered to work out with him. That didn't work either.) Whether it's studying for school, or putting a little more effort in to the soccer stuff, he just won't do it. Any suggestions??? Just back off completely and let him continue to do the minimum, and sit around playing video games when he's not at school and has finished the bare minimum homework, or doesn't have a "scheduled" activity like soccer practice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In other words, when did your teens develop the maturity to take their education seriously to the point that you're not on them to make more effort. When I was a teen, I recall the light bulb went on for me around 9th grade. My older brother who I respect had a little chat with me. I remember him clearly stating that everything counts now starting 9th grade and that I need to make effort every day to stay on top of my school work, and do my best in academics, use my time wisely when I have chunks of time. He also encouraged me to actively participate in extra curricular, I was in the orchestra for 7 years and absolutely loved it. I'm sure my parents told me the same thing but it didn't resonate until he had that talk with me, partly I think because he's 2 years older than me and has always been a hard worker and does well in school and had just been through the path I was about to take. I figured he knew best so I listened to him. 24 years later, my teenage boys are bright but they don't put in much effort. Everything comes easy and now my oldest who just entered 9th grade seems so laid back, he's getting B-/C+ so far and he doesn't see any problem, and doesn't want to make the effort or put in extra time to study until the night before a quiz. Last year he was on the honor roll, and I'm sure he will be again this year, but he waits until the last minute, asks for reassessments and gets his grades up right before the end of the quarter. Procastinator. How do you motivate without nagging? How does that internal drive kick-in? I've talked to him about study skills, suggested Quizlet flash cards to stay on top of classes that require memorization, websites for math to practice etc.. but he rolls his eyes and says it's fine mom. I got it. I'm trying to step back and let him sit in whatever results he gets, but at the same time, he's capable of so much more with just a little more effort.
I care too much
How do you get your teen to care more about his/her education than you do.

This may not be true for your child but what I hear from my high schooler in a W school is EVERYONE gets straight A’s with ZERO studying. Everyone is so smart etc etc and kids beating themselves up for getting a 98 instead of a 100. So my DC thinks and believes that they don’t need to study and as a result doesn’t get straight A’s. Very hard to convince my child otherwise. Could your child be in the same boat?

[Anonymous]

What a BS pp! My kids watched me take a day off to go watch The Revenge of the Sith, they are doing fine in college!

[Anonymous]

Age 11

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

Nice, lucky you. My husband and I are also hard working professionals, one with a MA one with a PhD. I read every night, we discuss current events with the kids, we have read to them and encouraged them to read since they were little. We are also involved in their arts/sports. But I only have one self motivated child. The other two are "gifted" per FCPS because they tested really high in two tests when they were in elementary school. My oldest graduated with a 4.3 GPA, took lots of AP classes, was a speaker at graduation, involved in student government, etc. You get the gist. My two youngest who are now both in high school are so unmotivated. I have to constantly be behind them so they finish their work on time. One has decent grades, may graduate with a 3.8. The other one has mediocre grades. Don't pat your smug self on the back for the way your kids are. That has as much to do with nature as nurture. You just got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

Nice, lucky you. My husband and I are also hard working professionals, one with a MA one with a PhD. I read every night, we discuss current events with the kids, we have read to them and encouraged them to read since they were little. We are also involved in their arts/sports. But I only have one self motivated child. The other two are "gifted" per FCPS because they tested really high in two tests when they were in elementary school. My oldest graduated with a 4.3 GPA, took lots of AP classes, was a speaker at graduation, involved in student government, etc. You get the gist. My two youngest who are now both in high school are so unmotivated. I have to constantly be behind them so they finish their work on time. One has decent grades, may graduate with a 3.8. The other one has mediocre grades. Don't pat your smug self on the back for the way your kids are. That has as much to do with nature as nurture. You just got lucky.

OP here. Agree with the bolded part 1,000% My best friend has a son who is a freshman at a highly regarded Ivy. He is the compliant child, did what he was told with a smile and went above and beyond since he was in 4th grade that I can recall. Some kids are wired that way, and others need more support and guidance along the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I have a spin on the OP's question. My 9th grade DS is similarly not intrinsically motivated, but doing fine in terms of grades at this point (all A's and B's in all honors classes). What I'm seeing is that he's not passionate/motivated about ANYTHING. He loves soccer, but has always played on rec teams and is likely not good enough to make the highschool team, so in an effort to improve his chances, my DH and I got him a private 1/wk soccer coach. He LOVES his sessions, but won't do the minimal conditioning "homework" given to him. (And in case it was just that he didn't want to do it alone, both of us separately offered to work out with him. That didn't work either.) Whether it's studying for school, or putting a little more effort in to the soccer stuff, he just won't do it. Any suggestions??? Just back off completely and let him continue to do the minimum, and sit around playing video games when he's not at school and has finished the bare minimum homework, or doesn't have a "scheduled" activity like soccer practice?

If my kids weren’t challenging themselves through school or extracurriculars, I would find something they had to do to fill their time. Like maybe they need to get a job and manage their own money if they want outings with friends. If they are homebodies without great wants, then maybe I would require them to do some volunteer work. What I can’t imagine is them not getting good grades, not tying to get good grades, and not doing anything else with all their free time. Seems like they need to be striving for something, whatever that is, and not just enjoy my plushy UMC lifestyle with no work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In other words, when did your teens develop the maturity to take their education seriously to the point that you're not on them to make more effort. When I was a teen, I recall the light bulb went on for me around 9th grade. My older brother who I respect had a little chat with me. I remember him clearly stating that everything counts now starting 9th grade and that I need to make effort every day to stay on top of my school work, and do my best in academics, use my time wisely when I have chunks of time. He also encouraged me to actively participate in extra curricular, I was in the orchestra for 7 years and absolutely loved it. I'm sure my parents told me the same thing but it didn't resonate until he had that talk with me, partly I think because he's 2 years older than me and has always been a hard worker and does well in school and had just been through the path I was about to take. I figured he knew best so I listened to him. 24 years later, my teenage boys are bright but they don't put in much effort. Everything comes easy and now my oldest who just entered 9th grade seems so laid back, he's getting B-/C+ so far and he doesn't see any problem, and doesn't want to make the effort or put in extra time to study until the night before a quiz. Last year he was on the honor roll, and I'm sure he will be again this year, but he waits until the last minute, asks for reassessments and gets his grades up right before the end of the quarter. Procastinator. How do you motivate without nagging? How does that internal drive kick-in? I've talked to him about study skills, suggested Quizlet flash cards to stay on top of classes that require memorization, websites for math to practice etc.. but he rolls his eyes and says it's fine mom. I got it. I'm trying to step back and let him sit in whatever results he gets, but at the same time, he's capable of so much more with just a little more effort.
I care too much
How do you get your teen to care more about his/her education than you do.

Make it clear they don’t get to live with you if no college

That will not resonate with a 9th grader in this situation. College is light years away to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our school helps immensely. The kids start meeting with the college counselor in 9th grade. The middle schoolers see the older girls working hard and get feedback from them to pay attention to their grades and work hard. They reinforce what our daughter hears at home.

Same here. One was a private and one was a public and at both schools the peer group was pretty motivated from day 1 and the talk about college started in 9th grade. Maybe that's too much pressure but it certainly made them care about doing well in school. Also both went to a k-8 school and had to apply out for 9th grade so they understood the importance of things like transcripts and ECs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older child is not intrinsically motivated at all. He is in 8th grade and has just started to show an inkling of caring about school at all. I have decided to pretty much completely back away this year. He gets to figure out sink or swim before it really counts. Of course, I will be there for him if asked (and I am keeping a watch from the sidelines at this point).

+1
We started backing off in MS when grades dont count towards college. We support them, but they started leading and caring more. They're old enough to understand its thier future, takes work for a certain life style.

[Anonymous]

Still waiting. And I have a senior. At TJ. Loves the interesting parts of TJ. Hates putting actual effort into “ boring stuff”. Which is an obvious problem.

And don’t get me started on the Common App essay. How long can it possibly take to write 650 words on literally anything. Because we’ve been at it since mid-August.

Ugghh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still waiting. And I have a senior. At TJ. Loves the interesting parts of TJ. Hates putting actual effort into “ boring stuff”. Which is an obvious problem.

And don’t get me started on the Common App essay. How long can it possibly take to write 650 words on literally anything. Because we’ve been at it since mid-August.

Ugghh!

Thank you for this post. It made me laugh and feel better about my normal kid. If I can at TJ is making it through with meh motivation then the rest of us should just relax!!!

[Anonymous]

At some point, you have to allow your child to learn (no pun intended) on their own to take the wheel regarding their own education.

Ultimately, it is his or her life. I did my studies, I did well, I earned an advanced degree. My spouse has a Ph.D. in the STEM sciences. We did our time. It is not our job to push our kids uphill like boulders, and they do not learn from it. We can encourage our kid to study for the PSAT, but whether or not she does is up to her.

It's her choice. You made your choices long ago.

[Anonymous]

As a high schooler I was “instrinsically motivated” ... to get good grades. Not to dig deeper into subject matter or be curious. I sought extra credit opportunities solely as a way to boost my grades, mastered the art of studying just enough to get As, etc. Participated in lots of sports and extracurriculars in part out of interest but also because I knew I “should” be super involved to get into an excellent college. Looking back that is not at all what I hope for my own kids, because I would much prefer they find passions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids have always had intrinsic motivation. They see us working hard (I work too) and celebrating our professional successes. They see us reading at night instead of watching TV. They know that their “job” is to do well in school. If they hate a subject they should still give their best efforts (even if they don’t end up doing well) because it’s good to put in effort.

Nice, lucky you. My husband and I are also hard working professionals, one with a MA one with a PhD. I read every night, we discuss current events with the kids, we have read to them and encouraged them to read since they were little. We are also involved in their arts/sports. But I only have one self motivated child. The other two are "gifted" per FCPS because they tested really high in two tests when they were in elementary school. My oldest graduated with a 4.3 GPA, took lots of AP classes, was a speaker at graduation, involved in student government, etc. You get the gist. My two youngest who are now both in high school are so unmotivated. I have to constantly be behind them so they finish their work on time. One has decent grades, may graduate with a 3.8. The other one has mediocre grades. Don't pat your smug self on the back for the way your kids are. That has as much to do with nature as nurture. You just got lucky.

OP here. Agree with the bolded part 1,000% My best friend has a son who is a freshman at a highly regarded Ivy. He is the compliant child, did what he was told with a smile and went above and beyond since he was in 4th grade that I can recall. Some kids are wired that way, and others need more support and guidance along the way.

And still others need a firm kick in the ass, and to better understand what it would mean to lose their entitled lifestyle. I'm beginning to think I may have one of those.