Best friends have no boundaries

[Anonymous]

We are very close to DH’s best friend from college and his wife, and they are truly like family. They used to live right near us but moved further out a year or so ago. However, most of their life still revolves around where we live so they are always in the neighborhood with their kids. They have to dropping by all the time - weekday and weekend - and have started using our apartment as their “second home” when needed. For example, they will drop by if they need to feed or change the baby and don’t want to do it when they are out, if they have down time from one activity to the next and don’t want to go home to then drive back, etc.

At first it was kind of nice to continue seeing them so often since they moved and were no longer a couple blocks away, but it has gotten rather annoying. They often drop by when we are busy doing something else, have friends over for our kids, are about to leave to go somewhere, etc. We have asked them several times to call first to make sure we are free but they rarely do. Occasionally they will text and say “stopping by in 5” and we will write back that it’s not a good time but they still come over anyway. DH brought it up once more seriously and his friend took it really personally and said we are like family so our door should always be open, and then nothing changed (even though DH reiterated that it’s just not always a good time).

I don’t think the friends are using us for the convenience, although it certainly helps them. Bottom line is that we love these friends and absolutely don’t want to end the friendship but there seems to be no way to get them to back off a little without offending them. FWIW, they would have no issue if we were doing this to them... they are very kind “the more the merrier” type people, whereas we just need more space. Also, their kids are younger than ours and tend to destroy our house, but that’s sort of another story. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is like a sister to me and my door is always open. She doesn’t need to call first and I don’t feel the need to entertain her if I am on my way out or have other guests. You need to decide for yourselves if the pros outweigh the cons of maintaining the type of friendship you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are very close to DH’s best friend from college and his wife, and they are truly like family. They used to live right near us but moved further out a year or so ago. However, most of their life still revolves around where we live so they are always in the neighborhood with their kids. They have to dropping by all the time - weekday and weekend - and have started using our apartment as their “second home” when needed. For example, they will drop by if they need to feed or change the baby and don’t want to do it when they are out, if they have down time from one activity to the next and don’t want to go home to then drive back, etc.

At first it was kind of nice to continue seeing them so often since they moved and were no longer a couple blocks away, but it has gotten rather annoying. They often drop by when we are busy doing something else, have friends over for our kids, are about to leave to go somewhere, etc. We have asked them several times to call first to make sure we are free but they rarely do. Occasionally they will text and say “stopping by in 5” and we will write back that it’s not a good time but they still come over anyway. DH brought it up once more seriously and his friend took it really personally and said we are like family so our door should always be open, and then nothing changed (even though DH reiterated that it’s just not always a good time).

I don’t think the friends are using us for the convenience, although it certainly helps them. Bottom line is that we love these friends and absolutely don’t want to end the friendship but there seems to be no way to get them to back off a little without offending them. FWIW, they would have no issue if we were doing this to them... they are very kind “the more the merrier” type people, whereas we just need more space. Also, their kids are younger than ours and tend to destroy our house, but that’s sort of another story. Any ideas?

That would have been my suggestion. If they text and you say not a good time, can you not open the door (pretend you are not home)? Maybe just keep saying "not a good time".

If their kids destroy your house tell them to clean it up, ever time, until it's all clean. I don't have any real suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Next time they text just say you are not at home. If they say "no prob, we have a key" you're doomed.

[Anonymous]

Can they tell you're home? I'd try not replying/not answering if it's not obvious you're there.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like their kids are not school age. Depending on how you feel about the friends and to what length you’re willing to go to enforce some boundaries, you could ride it out until their kids are a little older. Once their kids are in school and activities near their home it won’t be nearly as convenient for them to be in your neighborhood all the time. You can absolutely hold to former boundaries with them, but no one can guarantee you that it won’t harm the friendship.

[Anonymous]

"At first it was kind of nice" - - - you invited this in

Now, you deal with it. You accept that you have to deal with awkward. You don't get to pass on uncomfortable feelings. You don't get to be hailed as super nice for your initial invitation, and then face no uncomfortable circumstances.

Be genuine. Be honest now, and tell them what boundaries you'd like. Learn from this and be more genuine with others in the future.

[Anonymous]

You will have to be honest and direct. They won’t take the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At first it was kind of nice to continue seeing them so often since they moved and were no longer a couple blocks away, but it has gotten rather annoying. They often drop by when we are busy doing something else, have friends over for our kids, are about to leave to go somewhere, etc. We have asked them several times to call first to make sure we are free but they rarely do. Occasionally they will text and say “stopping by in 5” and we will write back that it’s not a good time but they still come over anyway. [i]DH brought it up once more seriously and his friend took it really personally and said we are like family so our door should always be open, and then nothing changed (even though DH reiterated that it’s just not always a good time).[b]

You are going to need to be direct and make some decisions. Does your actual family just stop by without warning even if you are ready to go out the door to change your niece or nephews diaper? If not, you need to tell them that may be true with their family but your own sister doesn’t just stop by without notice even when you say it’s not a good time. And when you say it isn’t a good time, that means they need to plan a different time that works for both families not just the time that works for them. If they push back, I would call them out it, say if unfettered access to our home whether or not we are there or it’s a good time for a visit is a requirement for us to be friends this is going to be a problem. It doesn’t feel like actually seeing us and spending quality time with us is your goal, otherwise you would make sure we will actually be there and not in the middle of something.


To OP remember they are making a choice as well. If they continue to overstep once you’ve made it crystal clear and direct, that means they are willing to jeopardize the friendship over this or maybe you aren’t really a good match as friends if they’ve placed a premium on not having those boundaries with their friends.

[Anonymous]

12:45 has a possible key to this..OP, how old are their kids? Or rather, how old is their OLDEST kid?

[Anonymous]

I live very close to my brother and actually have keys to his house. He literally IS Family, and I never stop by without clearing it first. I generally ask a day in advance, if not more.

[Anonymous]

Accept that there is no way to change the status who without hurting feelings and possibly damaging the relationship. Then, decide what you think is most important and proceed from there. It is likely to decrease over time, but are you willing to wait that time or not? Personally, I think their unwillingness to take me seriously would already have damaged the friendship (from my end) but I guess you are more forgiving than I am!

[Anonymous]

No joking: You’re going to have to not answer the door.

[Anonymous]

These friends are weird op, especially the husband. Women are usually more casual about boundaries... until their husbands come home.
I can clearly remember a time when my mom wanted to visit some friends of my parents. This was pre cell phone, and the conversation went something like this...
"mom "Let's stop in and see Jack and Jill, they live right in this neighborhood"
Dad "Do they know we're coming?"
Mom "No, but we're so close, let's just see how they are doing"
Dad "Not unless we find a phone and call first"
Mom "why? We're only 5 minutes away"
Dad "Because I don't know if they are home, and even if they are home, I don't know that they want anybody over now"
Mom "But we haven't seen them in awhile"
Dad "I really don't want to ring their doorbell and interrupt them taking a nap or screwing or painting the kitchen, we can go over, but only if we call first, and only if they say yes".
That was the end of it. To this day, I don't ever remember my mom suggesting a random drop-in again. My dad was polite, direct and firm.
My husband and I had a similar experience with friends that always came by, nice friends, just came by whenever they felt like it and without asking first.
One evening my husband and I were in bed, and these friends came by. My husband went downstairs, told them that we are a married couple, told them what they were interrupting and asked them to please leave and not to come over without calling. It worked.
It's strange that your husband's friend, especially the male half of the couple would be so obtuse. You shouldn't have to hide in your apartment, living like that can stress you, your husband, your kids and your marriage. You also shouldn't be subject to random uninvited drop-ins, again your home is your sanctuary.
I would ask your husband how he feels about this friendship. Is something more going on with him and his friend? I'm being serious, and I'd start with sex, money and/or drugs. Does this friend have an unhealthy interest in you or your children? Does he simply not want your husband to be married so that he can have control? Note that you guys aren't randomly stopping by their place, and that this friend has the means and ability to literally come and go when it pleases him. You can't just leave your own home, and you shouldn't have to. You also don't have any insight into when they will be there, nor for how long. That would really upset me.
If your husband wants the friends to cool it, he needs to tell them this. If they won't, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police.
A gentler approach would be to move apartments ideally within the complex, though again, that shouldn't be something you have to do. Then just don't tell the friends the new address.
Also, make sure these friends aren't trying to case other apartment dwellers, you don't want to be considered by association if people's homes are broken into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: These friends are weird op, especially the husband. Women are usually more casual about boundaries... until their husbands come home.
I can clearly remember a time when my mom wanted to visit some friends of my parents. This was pre cell phone, and the conversation went something like this...
"mom "Let's stop in and see Jack and Jill, they live right in this neighborhood"
Dad "Do they know we're coming?"
Mom "No, but we're so close, let's just see how they are doing"
Dad "Not unless we find a phone and call first"
Mom "why? We're only 5 minutes away"
Dad "Because I don't know if they are home, and even if they are home, I don't know that they want anybody over now"
Mom "But we haven't seen them in awhile"
Dad "I really don't want to ring their doorbell and interrupt them taking a nap or screwing or painting the kitchen, we can go over, but only if we call first, and only if they say yes".
That was the end of it. To this day, I don't ever remember my mom suggesting a random drop-in again. My dad was polite, direct and firm.
My husband and I had a similar experience with friends that always came by, nice friends, just came by whenever they felt like it and without asking first.
One evening my husband and I were in bed, and these friends came by. My husband went downstairs, told them that we are a married couple, told them what they were interrupting and asked them to please leave and not to come over without calling. It worked.
It's strange that your husband's friend, especially the male half of the couple would be so obtuse. You shouldn't have to hide in your apartment, living like that can stress you, your husband, your kids and your marriage. You also shouldn't be subject to random uninvited drop-ins, again your home is your sanctuary.
I would ask your husband how he feels about this friendship. Is something more going on with him and his friend? I'm being serious, and I'd start with sex, money and/or drugs. Does this friend have an unhealthy interest in you or your children? Does he simply not want your husband to be married so that he can have control? Note that you guys aren't randomly stopping by their place, and that this friend has the means and ability to literally come and go when it pleases him. You can't just leave your own home, and you shouldn't have to. You also don't have any insight into when they will be there, nor for how long. That would really upset me.
If your husband wants the friends to cool it, he needs to tell them this. If they won't, I wouldn't hesitate to call the police.
A gentler approach would be to move apartments ideally within the complex, though again, that shouldn't be something you have to do. Then just don't tell the friends the new address.
Also, make sure these friends aren't trying to case other apartment dwellers, you don't want to be considered by association if people's homes are broken into.

Woah...you wrote a thesis. Could get past the first 3 sentences. Clif notes anyone?