How to start conversing again, during separation?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are separated, he initiated after 19 years. The last 6 have been awful, we’ve both slowed our resentment to build over the past mistakes to the point that it broke us.

I’m not against our separation. I commend him for having the balls to leave. I feel it was the jolt I needed to see things, to really think about my contribution to the disaster our marriage became, and what I really want.

The separation stemmed from a fight. The first few days I was angry, I have since ran a gauntlet of emotions, started therapy, and I’m learning about myself and what I want.

What I want is my husband back, my family back. We both admit to still loving each other. It just got too hard.

My question is, particularly from the perspective of the partner who left. How do I start the conversation? A phone call, a letter, in person?
He left and I want to give him space to get what he needs/wants out of this but I also don’t want him to think I’m moving on. His personality is one that needs validation of love and I know me not trying to show him my love, how I feel, won’t work.

[Anonymous]

Could he be interested in someone else? Men don't typically walk away from long term relationships unless there is someone else.

[Anonymous]

Just give the separation more time and see if turns out to be the best for all.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been separated?

Just my two cents but I would send an e-mail asking if he would be willing to meet for lunch to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could he be interested in someone else? Men don't typically walk away from long term relationships unless there is someone else.

WRONG. Six close male friends, all in long marriages, got divorced without having a woman waiting for them. Five of the six men moved out and filed.

[Anonymous]

Men almost always have someone or their eye on someone. Probably won't last, but honestly OP maybe it's time to move forward.

This could be a great opportunity to meet someone more compatible. From your post sounds like you would be wasting more time.

[Anonymous]

Most men that initiate divorce already have someone else lined up. He probably has an affair partner. Thats why your last 6 months were awful. ESPECIALLY if hes the needy type that needs constant validation. He found someone, usually a subordinate, to make him feel important.
In any caae... and him a message and just ask him if he would like to meet to talk. His answer will tell you what you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could he be interested in someone else? Men don't typically walk away from long term relationships unless there is someone else.

WRONG. Six close male friends, all in long marriages, got divorced without having a woman waiting for them. Five of the six men moved out and filed.

How do you know they didn't have someone else? Usually, they don't tell. It's possible all 6 had other women, but those relationships didn't work out. They'd never tell because they don't want to be judged.

I'm firmly in the camp that (barring something extreme), most men don't leave long-term marriages unless they are interested in someone else. That doesn't mean that person is interested in them or that it will work out, but most often, there's someone else.

I know of situations in which most people didn't realize the man was seeing someone else or had interest in someone else.

[Anonymous]

I'm the above poster. That's not to say OP shouldn't reach out to her husband. But she should do so with eyes wide open.

OP, just send him a text asking to meet. Talk to him in person and tell him you are interesting in trying. See how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

I'd send him an email and tell him how you feel and what you want. I'd offer to do whatever it is he needs aside from him saying "Let's stay separated". In other words, if he needs you to validate him more, do that.
I wouldn't invite him to lunch with no more details, mostly because no way would I agree to a meeting with someone who I wasn't getting along with. I would want to be prepared for the meeting and I'd worry you'd tell me you wanted a divorce, were pregnant by someone else, had met a guy you wanted to date, basically all kinds of things I'd not want to hear in a public place.

If you want him back, say so. Also tell him what you will do if he does not want to get back together, not as a threat but as a "hey, if you don't want to get back together now, I am going to think about moving to another part of the country, or take a job I've always wanted... basically let him know that the current situation cannot and should not be endured forever.

I'd also let him know what you are planning to do so you won't get into another 6 year cycle of misery. 6 years is a long time. I don't blame him at all for saying and then acting on his desire not to continue living that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd send him an email and tell him how you feel and what you want. I'd offer to do whatever it is he needs aside from him saying "Let's stay separated". In other words, if he needs you to validate him more, do that.
I wouldn't invite him to lunch with no more details, mostly because no way would I agree to a meeting with someone who I wasn't getting along with. I would want to be prepared for the meeting and I'd worry you'd tell me you wanted a divorce, were pregnant by someone else, had met a guy you wanted to date, basically all kinds of things I'd not want to hear in a public place.

If you want him back, say so. Also tell him what you will do if he does not want to get back together, not as a threat but as a "hey, if you don't want to get back together now, I am going to think about moving to another part of the country, or take a job I've always wanted... basically let him know that the current situation cannot and should not be endured forever.

I'd also let him know what you are planning to do so you won't get into another 6 year cycle of misery. 6 years is a long time. I don't blame him at all for saying and then acting on his desire not to continue living that way.

Something along this lines. Inform him that if you both do love each other, that you should work on things instead of running away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men that initiate divorce already have someone else lined up. He probably has an affair partner. Thats why your last 6 months were awful. ESPECIALLY if hes the needy type that needs constant validation. He found someone, usually a subordinate, to make him feel important.
In any caae... and him a message and just ask him if he would like to meet to talk. His answer will tell you what you need to know.

I don't think wanting your biological needs met as a man is "needy". You sound really cold, I can tell you speak from a place of experience.

[Anonymous]

I don't think wanting your biological needs met as a man is "needy". You sound really cold, I can tell you speak from a place of experience.

News flash. It isnt anyone's job to make you feel important. No one can make you into something you arent. And feeling important isnt a biological need. Your only biologocal NEEDS are to breathe, eat, sleep, and defecate. Anything else is a want.

[Anonymous]

Procreation is a biological need. It is on the macro scale, so it isn't so important if human 1 doesn't get to procreate, so long as humans 2, 3, and 4 do. But it is a need that most people feel.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a need. It’s a desire. That’s why there aren’t roving bands of hormone-driven sexless makes wandering around raping women as a matter of course. Males go without sex all the time, and they don’t die. It is not a need.

I like to have a massage several times a week, it feels great, it relaxes me, and it reduces the pain in my old shoulder injury. But if for some reason I can’t get one, I will not die.

I won’t argue with you that sex is a motivating factor in behavior. I would never agree to stay in a sexless relationship. But I’m also mature and honest enough to admit that going without sex does not force me to cheat or rape. If I cheat, it’s because I’ve decided to stay in a sexless marriage and cheat. I’d own that. You should, too.