How to start conversing again, during separation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a need. It’s a desire. That’s why there aren’t roving bands of hormone-driven sexless makes wandering around raping women as a matter of course. Males go without sex all the time, and they don’t die. It is not a need.

I like to have a massage several times a week, it feels great, it relaxes me, and it reduces the pain in my old shoulder injury. But if for some reason I can’t get one, I will not die.

I won’t argue with you that sex is a motivating factor in behavior. I would never agree to stay in a sexless relationship. But I’m also mature and honest enough to admit that going without sex does not force me to cheat or rape. If I cheat, it’s because I’ve decided to stay in a sexless marriage and cheat. I’d own that. You should, too.

You are awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men that initiate divorce already have someone else lined up. He probably has an affair partner. Thats why your last 6 months were awful. ESPECIALLY if hes the needy type that needs constant validation. He found someone, usually a subordinate, to make him feel important.
In any caae... and him a message and just ask him if he would like to meet to talk. His answer will tell you what you need to know.

I don't think wanting your biological needs met as a man is "needy". You sound really cold, I can tell you speak from a place of experience.

Needy and wanting constant validation is separate from sex.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to go to therapy with you. And good for you for fighting for your marriage. Six years is a long time but you can be better than before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a need. It’s a desire. That’s why there aren’t roving bands of hormone-driven sexless makes wandering around raping women as a matter of course. Males go without sex all the time, and they don’t die. It is not a need.

I like to have a massage several times a week, it feels great, it relaxes me, and it reduces the pain in my old shoulder injury. But if for some reason I can’t get one, I will not die.

I won’t argue with you that sex is a motivating factor in behavior. I would never agree to stay in a sexless relationship. But I’m also mature and honest enough to admit that going without sex does not force me to cheat or rape. If I cheat, it’s because I’ve decided to stay in a sexless marriage and cheat. I’d own that. You should, too.

You are awesome!

I totally agree, and I’d like to point out that a view of men which frames them as uncontrollably driven by their sexual need is as damaging to men as it is to women. Men have brains that enable them to control their biologic urges in a way that allows them to get along in society, not rape, not harrass, and not cheat. To believe men are incapable of that is insulting to MEN.

[Anonymous]

My two cents (and I've never been in your position so discount my two cents as you see fit):

Just reach out - in an open ended way, without any major baggage/drama/deadlines/announcements attached. "Hi Bob, I hope you are ok. I was wondering whether you'd be open to meeting for coffee or lunch? I have been doing a lot of thinking and, despite where we find ourselves now, I miss being able to talk things through with you. Can I buy you a latte?"

Or whatever words feel right to you. But not some huge emotional bomb of an email or message, not a reaching out.

No matter what happens w/ your marriage you're in a process that takes time, and evolution, and work, and both of you. So don't lay everything on your first call or meeting or conversation. Just reach out and see what happens.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

PP, paragraph 4 corrections: "Just a reaching out". Not "not a"