how to teach your kid not to be too nice/a chump

[Anonymous]

My 3rd grader tends to be somewhat of a follower, and also will often do nice things for others without it being reciprocated. She normally doesn't mention much about her school day but generally seems like a happy kid. However, today was acting kind of hyper after school. Later this evening, she basically broke down tonight and confessed that kids she considered good friends have been saying mean things and excluding her on occasion, so much so that she spent recess by herself today with no one to play with. She will often do things like the following: one girl (Larla) asked her to run back to class and grab Larla's water bottle that she'd forgotten--when my daughter did this, Larla snatched it out of her hand and walked away. She always seems to be people's gofer, and it' seems to not be reciprocated. Through tears she said she tries to follow the golden rule and be nice to others, but that sometimes they're still mean to her.

She always seems to pair up with a bossier girl and sort of follows along with them--this is a pattern that's existed really since daycare--but this is the first year she's really mentioned some social exclusion. I told her that if someone is being mean to her, maybe she shouldn't try to keep playing with them, because then they may think they can be mean to her without repercussions. I said she shouldn't call names, but should stand up for herself. I also encouraged her to play with new kids. Anyone else BTDT with a sweet kid who has this type of personality?

[Anonymous]

OP here, excuse typos. Bleary-eyed as I get ready for bed.

[Anonymous]

You need to practice with her at home. Role play different scenarios where someone might take advantage of her—give her the words to say and the time to practice so that in the moment she will be stronger.

Also—what activities does she do? Maybe something like marital arts will help her build confidence

[Anonymous]

I’ve come to the conclusion after many years and many kids that this is an innate personality trait. She’s not going to stand up for herself. Best thing you can hope for is that she recognizes users and learns to seek out other nice kids like her. Which it sounds like she ms beginning to.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case here, but something to consider is this: sometimes kids report that others are being mean to them or excluding them and that is true from the child’s perspective. But what is really going on is that Larla wants to do Activity A (let’s say make up a dance) and the other kids don’t want to do that activity (not necessarily not play with Larla), but Larla perceives that they are being mean to her or excluding her when the reality is that Larla is unable or unwilling to be flexible about the activity. Essentially, Larla has to decide what’s more important—doing her preferred activity or playing with friends who want to do another activity.

I had to go over this with my son a lot because he was reporting that no one wanted to play with him, and what was actually happening was that other kids just didn’t want to do the activity he wanted to do. Once he became a little more flexible and could say things like “ok, we’ll play Pokémon today but can we play basketball tomorrow?” he stopped complaining about feeling excluded.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening with your kid, but it’s a dynamic you may want to consider. A lot of parents take what their kid says at face value and don’t look into how their own kid could be behaving that plays into that dynamic.

That being said, my son can still be a bit of a chump like falling for kids saying they’ll bring him something tomorrow if he gives them something today and then they don’t. But that’s a lesson he’ll have to keep learning.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP that this is a personality trait. What you describe is exactly like my 13yo. And she still is the same way. I try my best to teach her not to let other kids “walk all over her” and recognize when someone is taking advantage of her and hopefully they’ll learn to as they get older. Good luck. I am/was the same way but it’s safe to say that as an adult I don’t take $hit from others anymore.

[Anonymous]

We have the opposite problem, where my kid is always trying to negotiate stuff or is so skeptical of her friends. And she's only four. It can be a bit of a PITA and come off as unfriendly. We're trying to teach go along to get along to some extent right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case here, but something to consider is this: sometimes kids report that others are being mean to them or excluding them and that is true from the child’s perspective. But what is really going on is that Larla wants to do Activity A (let’s say make up a dance) and the other kids don’t want to do that activity (not necessarily not play with Larla), but Larla perceives that they are being mean to her or excluding her when the reality is that Larla is unable or unwilling to be flexible about the activity. Essentially, Larla has to decide what’s more important—doing her preferred activity or playing with friends who want to do another activity.

I had to go over this with my son a lot because he was reporting that no one wanted to play with him, and what was actually happening was that other kids just didn’t want to do the activity he wanted to do. Once he became a little more flexible and could say things like “ok, we’ll play Pokémon today but can we play basketball tomorrow?” he stopped complaining about feeling excluded.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening with your kid, but it’s a dynamic you may want to consider. A lot of parents take what their kid says at face value and don’t look into how their own kid could be behaving that plays into that dynamic.

That being said, my son can still be a bit of a chump like falling for kids saying they’ll bring him something tomorrow if he gives them something today and then they don’t. But that’s a lesson he’ll have to keep learning.

OP. I can see how this would happen in some cases, but it doesn’t seem to be happening in this case--there seems to be a lot of girls getting together in groups and sometimes saying that one girl in particular (not always my daughter) can’t play with them. In addition, some of the mean things said were to my daughter along with the only other black girl in the class (mean comments about hair texture and skin color). And this was from a girl that my daughter had described as her “bestie” and who she was super excited to see you once the school year got started.

My heart hurts for her but I do think this is somewhat just her temperament--however, I wish she could toughen up a bit and not continue to try so hard to play with kids when they’re being mean to her.

[Anonymous]

PP here wanted to add. I try to remind my kid to do a quick body scan if someone as them to do something. Does e request make them feel sad, angry, happy, proud...? And proceed to act according to your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case here, but something to consider is this: sometimes kids report that others are being mean to them or excluding them and that is true from the child’s perspective. But what is really going on is that Larla wants to do Activity A (let’s say make up a dance) and the other kids don’t want to do that activity (not necessarily not play with Larla), but Larla perceives that they are being mean to her or excluding her when the reality is that Larla is unable or unwilling to be flexible about the activity. Essentially, Larla has to decide what’s more important—doing her preferred activity or playing with friends who want to do another activity.

I had to go over this with my son a lot because he was reporting that no one wanted to play with him, and what was actually happening was that other kids just didn’t want to do the activity he wanted to do. Once he became a little more flexible and could say things like “ok, we’ll play Pokémon today but can we play basketball tomorrow?” he stopped complaining about feeling excluded.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening with your kid, but it’s a dynamic you may want to consider. A lot of parents take what their kid says at face value and don’t look into how their own kid could be behaving that plays into that dynamic.

That being said, my son can still be a bit of a chump like falling for kids saying they’ll bring him something tomorrow if he gives them something today and then they don’t. But that’s a lesson he’ll have to keep learning.

OP. I can see how this would happen in some cases, but it doesn’t seem to be happening in this case--there seems to be a lot of girls getting together in groups and sometimes saying that one girl in particular (not always my daughter) can’t play with them. In addition, some of the mean things said were to my daughter along with the only other black girl in the class (mean comments about hair texture and skin color). And this was from a girl that my daughter had described as her “bestie” and who she was super excited to see you once the school year got started.

My heart hurts for her but I do think this is somewhat just her temperament--however, I wish she could toughen up a bit and not continue to try so hard to play with kids when they’re being mean to her.

OP again, just adding that exclusion or people saying mean things has never been an issue she's mentioned before--this is all new. I'm guessing some of the cliques etc. comes with the age, although it does seem young to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here wanted to add. I try to remind my kid to do a quick body scan if someone as them to do something. Does e request make them feel sad, angry, happy, proud...? And proceed to act according to your feelings.

OP here. Good tip, although in some cases I think my daughter truly doesn't mind being a gofer because she says they're her friends--however, I guess if it happens enough she'll realize that it's not reciprocated. However, I'll give her the body scan advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not saying that this is necessarily the case here, but something to consider is this: sometimes kids report that others are being mean to them or excluding them and that is true from the child’s perspective. But what is really going on is that Larla wants to do Activity A (let’s say make up a dance) and the other kids don’t want to do that activity (not necessarily not play with Larla), but Larla perceives that they are being mean to her or excluding her when the reality is that Larla is unable or unwilling to be flexible about the activity. Essentially, Larla has to decide what’s more important—doing her preferred activity or playing with friends who want to do another activity.

I had to go over this with my son a lot because he was reporting that no one wanted to play with him, and what was actually happening was that other kids just didn’t want to do the activity he wanted to do. Once he became a little more flexible and could say things like “ok, we’ll play Pokémon today but can we play basketball tomorrow?” he stopped complaining about feeling excluded.

I’m not saying this is what’s happening with your kid, but it’s a dynamic you may want to consider. A lot of parents take what their kid says at face value and don’t look into how their own kid could be behaving that plays into that dynamic.

That being said, my son can still be a bit of a chump like falling for kids saying they’ll bring him something tomorrow if he gives them something today and then they don’t. But that’s a lesson he’ll have to keep learning.

OP. I can see how this would happen in some cases, but it doesn’t seem to be happening in this case--there seems to be a lot of girls getting together in groups and sometimes saying that one girl in particular (not always my daughter) can’t play with them. In addition, some of the mean things said were to my daughter along with the only other black girl in the class (mean comments about hair texture and skin color). And this was from a girl that my daughter had described as her “bestie” and who she was super excited to see you once the school year got started.

My heart hurts for her but I do think this is somewhat just her temperament--however, I wish she could toughen up a bit and not continue to try so hard to play with kids when they’re being mean to her.

I'm all for encouraging kids to stand up for themselves, learn to navigate these relationships but this needs to be raised to the teacher so it can be addressed.

[Anonymous]

OP here--my daughter told me through tears that she didn't like it and told the teacher about the hair comment (seems the kid told her she doesn't like brown skin during a separate incident). I don't want to make too big a deal but we'll raise it with the teacher if it happens again.

The racial comments are almost a separate issue from my OP--my daughter has this sort of temperament irrespective of the racial comments, although these are undoubtedly important too.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you can discuss when it is ok to say No. You mentioned getting someone a water bottle and the person snatching the water bottle from her. Ask her if she should do a favor for that person again. If she says yes, remind her that it is ok to say No because the person was not polite and said thank you the last time your daughter helped her and that the other child does not do favors for her.

It is ok to discuss what a friend is. A friend is someone that you enjoy spending time with, you do some of the same things, and you do nice things for one another. A friend is not someone who does not do anything to help you or try and make you happy and only demands things from you.

It is good to be nice and helpful. If the girl was crying and hurt, getting a Teacher and getting her water bottle so she can drink something is nice and helpful. Getting her water bottle because she doesn't want to go back to the classroom to get it and when she does not do nice things for you is being taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

I have a child like this. I found that it was helpful to role play some likely scenarios so she was familiar with actual words and phrases she could use and had practiced them.