how to teach your kid not to be too nice/a chump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child like this. I found that it was helpful to role play some likely scenarios so she was familiar with actual words and phrases she could use and had practiced them.

OP here. I tried a little bit of role-playing last night, so I will continue with that.

Thanks to all PPs--some good tips here.

[Anonymous]

Does she hear you say “no,” even when it will inconvenience someone else? Politely but firmly? Seeing this in my DD made me realize I had work to do in this area, so I let her see me refusing over the top requests to model what it could look like.

[Anonymous]

This is a pattern for many kids, she is a pleaser. She is also in danger of being a follower, which can be benign in third grade and dangerous or unfortunate in later graders. I have bossy alpha daughters unfortunately so can't help directly (these come with their own problems) but I will tell you that my oldest (6th) does not respect girls like this. She views them as suspect, and disloyal because they change with the wind to please who they are with. She likes when her friends who are like this stand up for themselves and that usually stops any drama with her friendships with girls.

My 4th grader on the other hand loves quiet, nice girls and they bring out the best in her, even though she is bossy. She doesn't boss her friends around as long as they aren't trying to tell her what to do LOL.

Many mean girl types at this age seek out friendships of followers, bc they can play their relational games with them. This starts in third grade and is really bad in 4th grade IMO so good to get ahead of it now. In third grade it won't be as bad because the kids are at different stages of maturity and some are ready for that drama and some are still clueless kids playing with whoever is around.

Anyway, that was pointless information I guess, but in third grade I would recommend that you highly encourage friendships with girls who are less alpha, even if she seems resistant to it. ID a few girls to plan things with, helpful if you also like their moms. Also, sometimes friendships with older neighborhood girls can be useful, my older daughter has taught many younger girls who are friends of her sister how to stand up for themselves on the playground. It feeds her personality to help them, and there is no social drama involved with it bc they are in different grades. Hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

For some help with conversations and role play, read "Little Girls Can Be Mean: 4 Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades"

https://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/dp/0312615523/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1569438610&sr=1-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a pattern for many kids, she is a pleaser. She is also in danger of being a follower, which can be benign in third grade and dangerous or unfortunate in later graders. I have bossy alpha daughters unfortunately so can't help directly (these come with their own problems) but I will tell you that my oldest (6th) does not respect girls like this. She views them as suspect, and disloyal because they change with the wind to please who they are with. She likes when her friends who are like this stand up for themselves and that usually stops any drama with her friendships with girls.

My 4th grader on the other hand loves quiet, nice girls and they bring out the best in her, even though she is bossy. She doesn't boss her friends around as long as they aren't trying to tell her what to do LOL.

Many mean girl types at this age seek out friendships of followers, bc they can play their relational games with them. This starts in third grade and is really bad in 4th grade IMO so good to get ahead of it now. In third grade it won't be as bad because the kids are at different stages of maturity and some are ready for that drama and some are still clueless kids playing with whoever is around.

Anyway, that was pointless information I guess, but in third grade I would recommend that you highly encourage friendships with girls who are less alpha, even if she seems resistant to it. ID a few girls to plan things with, helpful if you also like their moms. Also, sometimes friendships with older neighborhood girls can be useful, my older daughter has taught many younger girls who are friends of her sister how to stand up for themselves on the playground. It feeds her personality to help them, and there is no social drama involved with it bc they are in different grades. Hope it gets better.

OP. All of this is very helpful, especially the bolded. She tends to befriend almost exclusively alpha girls and tends to be sort of the sidekick, from what I can tell, so the advice is helpful. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some help with conversations and role play, read "Little Girls Can Be Mean: 4 Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades"

https://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/dp/0312615523/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1569438610&sr=1-1

OP. We have one bullying book, but will also check this one out--thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a pattern for many kids, she is a pleaser. She is also in danger of being a follower, which can be benign in third grade and dangerous or unfortunate in later graders. I have bossy alpha daughters unfortunately so can't help directly (these come with their own problems) but I will tell you that my oldest (6th) does not respect girls like this. She views them as suspect, and disloyal because they change with the wind to please who they are with. She likes when her friends who are like this stand up for themselves and that usually stops any drama with her friendships with girls.

My 4th grader on the other hand loves quiet, nice girls and they bring out the best in her, even though she is bossy. She doesn't boss her friends around as long as they aren't trying to tell her what to do LOL.

Many mean girl types at this age seek out friendships of followers, bc they can play their relational games with them. This starts in third grade and is really bad in 4th grade IMO so good to get ahead of it now. In third grade it won't be as bad because the kids are at different stages of maturity and some are ready for that drama and some are still clueless kids playing with whoever is around.

Anyway, that was pointless information I guess, but in third grade I would recommend that you highly encourage friendships with girls who are less alpha, even if she seems resistant to it. ID a few girls to plan things with, helpful if you also like their moms. Also, sometimes friendships with older neighborhood girls can be useful, my older daughter has taught many younger girls who are friends of her sister how to stand up for themselves on the playground. It feeds her personality to help them, and there is no social drama involved with it bc they are in different grades. Hope it gets better.

OP. All of this is very helpful, especially the bolded. She tends to befriend almost exclusively alpha girls and tends to be sort of the sidekick, from what I can tell, so the advice is helpful. Thanks!

OP again. I'd add that the alpha girls that she's friends with tend to literally drag her by the arm and sort of just pull her along--and sometimes tell her not to play with other kids. I'm not sure how much she chooses who she wants to play with, vs. they choose her. I think it's more the latter since she tends to be shy when she first meets others.

I'll try to encourage friendships with other kids, at least just for variety so the same relational dynamics aren't in play with all her friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve come to the conclusion after many years and many kids that this is an innate personality trait. She’s not going to stand up for herself. Best thing you can hope for is that she recognizes users and learns to seek out other nice kids like her. Which it sounds like she ms beginning to.

I sort of agree, although for some people (like myself) you reach adulthood and realize some people are not worth it and you learn to stand up for yourself- the hard way! DD is a leader, DS is a follower. I could not change either if I tried.

[Anonymous]

Teach your DD how to stand on her own feet, and how to navigate the world alone if necessary.

In upper elementary, girls often lose their best friends. They are suddenly uncool, and on the outside looking in. It's the perfect time to tell your DD that it's okay to stand alone, you don't always have to be part of a group. It's okay to from "friends" who are unkind to you. Teach her that it's okay to be independent, and to think independently. It will pay off.

[Anonymous]

^^It's okay to walk away from "friends"^^

[Anonymous]

I think role=play on how to handle these situations can be helpful, but also role play on how to ask new kids to play with her if she has nobody to play with at recess again...so she has the next step in mind.

[Anonymous]

OP. All of this is very helpful, especially the bolded. She tends to befriend almost exclusively alpha girls and tends to be sort of the sidekick, from what I can tell, so the advice is helpful. Thanks!

Glad it was useful It is definitely very common, alpha girls are very exciting especially at first, and usually can start out really intense in their friendship. For girls who are shy or have trouble initiating friendships, this can really feel good to have someone initiate for you. Helping her get over the hump and make less stressful friendships really does help - she may not know how to do so with these quieter kids because those do take more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP. All of this is very helpful, especially the bolded. She tends to befriend almost exclusively alpha girls and tends to be sort of the sidekick, from what I can tell, so the advice is helpful. Thanks!

Glad it was useful It is definitely very common, alpha girls are very exciting especially at first, and usually can start out really intense in their friendship. For girls who are shy or have trouble initiating friendships, this can really feel good to have someone initiate for you. Helping her get over the hump and make less stressful friendships really does help - she may not know how to do so with these quieter kids because those do take more work.



OP. This is a great point and one I hadn't really considered before. She's always had friends at school and hasn't really mentioned any problems until now, so we haven't had much involvement in her friendships--but I do think this may be a dynamic that's a little problematic. I actually asked her last night whether she can play with some other kids, even boys. I don't want to be too intrusive and helicopterish, but might be worth encouraging her to actually initiate other friendships.