New STA parent seeking advice, suggestions, or just plain "I wish I had known X" info

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that I believe STA is an excellent school and a wonderful community. I agree that excluding a child from an all class party is not appropriate, but this does not sound like that kind of situation. It sounds to me like a child was not invited to a private party with a handful of friends who live within a neighborhood or two. Every neighborhood borders another neighborhood (unless it is an island), so any number of boys could feel excluded if they lived in bordering neighborhoods, especially if they are also friends with this group. Instead, it sounds to me like a group of friends got together for a halloween party, but did not invite all the boys or even a majority of the boys in their class. They selected their friends who live in their neighborhood and maybe one adjoining neighborhood. As someone else mentioned boys at STA live all over the DMV, so two bordering neighborhoods of boys would just be a small percentage within a class. If the kids and/or parents are friends then they were probably included. Not everyone has to be friends and they are clearly sending a message that they are not friends. The good news is there are 30-40 other boys in the class/grade that you can be friends with. Why would anyone want to be friends with people who clearly don't want to be friends with them and, in turn, don't include their child in social events outside of school? If this is purely a parent issue and not a child issue (meaning boys are friends, but parents are not) then the good news is in a few years the boys will be in high school and the parent social engineering will lessen as the boys will socialize on their own without parents having to be involved (or be friends).

This also does not sound like something the school administration would ever get involved in since it is a private party that does not include the whole class/grade or even a majority of students.

Since Halloween is a neighborhood event normally because most kids like to go in their own neighborhood this is particularly cruel to exclude one or two classmates that live nearby especially if one had plans with one of the party attendees. It's called having manners and class which apparently don't always come with having money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that I believe STA is an excellent school and a wonderful community. I agree that excluding a child from an all class party is not appropriate, but this does not sound like that kind of situation. It sounds to me like a child was not invited to a private party with a handful of friends who live within a neighborhood or two. Every neighborhood borders another neighborhood (unless it is an island), so any number of boys could feel excluded if they lived in bordering neighborhoods, especially if they are also friends with this group. Instead, it sounds to me like a group of friends got together for a halloween party, but did not invite all the boys or even a majority of the boys in their class. They selected their friends who live in their neighborhood and maybe one adjoining neighborhood. As someone else mentioned boys at STA live all over the DMV, so two bordering neighborhoods of boys would just be a small percentage within a class. If the kids and/or parents are friends then they were probably included. Not everyone has to be friends and they are clearly sending a message that they are not friends. The good news is there are 30-40 other boys in the class/grade that you can be friends with. Why would anyone want to be friends with people who clearly don't want to be friends with them and, in turn, don't include their child in social events outside of school? If this is purely a parent issue and not a child issue (meaning boys are friends, but parents are not) then the good news is in a few years the boys will be in high school and the parent social engineering will lessen as the boys will socialize on their own without parents having to be involved (or be friends).

This also does not sound like something the school administration would ever get involved in since it is a private party that does not include the whole class/grade or even a majority of students.

Actually some neighborhoods have a lot of STA families so one or two neighborhoods combined could be a quarter of the class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me start by saying that I believe STA is an excellent school and a wonderful community. I agree that excluding a child from an all class party is not appropriate, but this does not sound like that kind of situation. It sounds to me like a child was not invited to a private party with a handful of friends who live within a neighborhood or two. Every neighborhood borders another neighborhood (unless it is an island), so any number of boys could feel excluded if they lived in bordering neighborhoods, especially if they are also friends with this group. Instead, it sounds to me like a group of friends got together for a halloween party, but did not invite all the boys or even a majority of the boys in their class. They selected their friends who live in their neighborhood and maybe one adjoining neighborhood. As someone else mentioned boys at STA live all over the DMV, so two bordering neighborhoods of boys would just be a small percentage within a class. If the kids and/or parents are friends then they were probably included. Not everyone has to be friends and they are clearly sending a message that they are not friends. The good news is there are 30-40 other boys in the class/grade that you can be friends with. Why would anyone want to be friends with people who clearly don't want to be friends with them and, in turn, don't include their child in social events outside of school? If this is purely a parent issue and not a child issue (meaning boys are friends, but parents are not) then the good news is in a few years the boys will be in high school and the parent social engineering will lessen as the boys will socialize on their own without parents having to be involved (or be friends).

This also does not sound like something the school administration would ever get involved in since it is a private party that does not include the whole class/grade or even a majority of students.

Since Halloween is a neighborhood event normally because most kids like to go in their own neighborhood this is particularly cruel to exclude one or two classmates that live nearby especially if one had plans with one of the party attendees. It's called having manners and class which apparently don't always come with having money.

Halloween is unique in that way especially in younger years before highschool then there are other types of parties and gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Well, STA has no way of knowing about this incident unless a parent tells them. And it's awkward to do it if it's your kid. If you feel so strongly about this, did you share wi any of the STA administrators? If not, then you have no right to say the school should have done something.

I am not the poster to whom you are responding but I must say your tone is really snarky and not helpful. No one is blaming Sta if you read the posts clearly. The post was speaking in general terms about anytime these incidents happened with parents or if boys are known to be social bullies they just need to be addressed.

Sounds like you missed this sentence:

School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

That is blaming STA.

I'm tired of people coming onto anonymous fora and saying that a school should do X or Y when they haven't acted like adults and had a real conversation with anyone at the school in a position to do anything about it. In multiple threads, including this one, STA is bashed for the poor behavior of a few outliers. In many cases -- as in this one, which involves a private party that took place outside of school hours -- ther is no way the school administration could know anything about it unless a parent or student alerted them to what occurred.

The previous poster made it clear that the parent of the excluded child did not want to "make things worse" for their child. It sounds like they dropped it. The other parents would have absolutely no way of knowing that a kid was singled out and not invited, unless they were explicitly told. There is never 100% attendance at any party. If some kids aren't there, most people would simply assume they had something else to do that night. So, unless the excluded boy, his parents, or one of their friends were willing to talk to the school administration, there is no way for them to know about what happened. And saying that the school should "intervene," when you haven't been willing to talk to anyone in a position of authority is immature and irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Of course parents know who is excluded. You don't ever look at who your emails or texts are addressed to besides yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course parents know who is excluded. You don't ever look at who your emails or texts are addressed to besides yourself?

No -- especially when the list is more than a few people long. Also, I don't assume bad behavior is going on, nor do I feel it necessary to scan who else has been invited.

Many invitations we get are sent through Paperless Post, not e-mail, and some people choose not to have the other invitees listed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Well, STA has no way of knowing about this incident unless a parent tells them. And it's awkward to do it if it's your kid. If you feel so strongly about this, did you share wi any of the STA administrators? If not, then you have no right to say the school should have done something.

I am not the poster to whom you are responding but I must say your tone is really snarky and not helpful. No one is blaming Sta if you read the posts clearly. The post was speaking in general terms about anytime these incidents happened with parents or if boys are known to be social bullies they just need to be addressed.

Sounds like you missed this sentence:

School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

That is blaming STA.

I'm tired of people coming onto anonymous fora and saying that a school should do X or Y when they haven't acted like adults and had a real conversation with anyone at the school in a position to do anything about it. In multiple threads, including this one, STA is bashed for the poor behavior of a few outliers. In many cases -- as in this one, which involves a private party that took place outside of school hours -- ther is no way the school administration could know anything about it unless a parent or student alerted them to what occurred.

The previous poster made it clear that the parent of the excluded child did not want to "make things worse" for their child. It sounds like they dropped it. The other parents would have absolutely no way of knowing that a kid was singled out and not invited, unless they were explicitly told. There is never 100% attendance at any party. If some kids aren't there, most people would simply assume they had something else to do that night. So, unless the excluded boy, his parents, or one of their friends were willing to talk to the school administration, there is no way for them to know about what happened. And saying that the school should "intervene," when you haven't been willing to talk to anyone in a position of authority is immature and irresponsible.

I am not the poster to whom you're replying but I can see now why they would rather post on here than address a parent, out of fear of getting attacked like you're doing now! Your defense of this is oddly strange so maybe you do this yourself with your own kids and are trying to defend it? Who knows but it's very strange to reply to something that I think most reasonable people would think was not a nice thing to have happened - whether it was intentional or not - and hope that meausres are taken so this won't happen again (sounds like repeated incidences) without placing blame on the school. Just a statement that this is our community, these are our values, and either get on board or not...

[Anonymous]

How do you know that parents did not inform school? (13:52)
I had a very similar experience with my child...and I am now wondering if people are writing about my DC? If they are I had no idea how much DC was being excluded but then again we could be talking about completely different child...which means more than one with this problem... In our case, we spoke to child to provide coping strategy...I did mention to school that child had difficulty...but not sure, this thread relates because we were not aware of any party...only exclusion from large group...DC was so articulate in relating what happened...I actually was really proud of him...it never even occurred to me to reach out to another parent about it and to be honest if this my child I do not think he knows the full extent of the exclusion...however, now forming opinion about class. I also do not remember if DC had made plans with another child before hand...he may have...and maybe other family knows that? So could be us or someone else!!

[Anonymous]

This might be true, but a quarter of the class is not a majority of the class or even close. There are still a ton of other boys to socialize with if this group is not all inclusive or friendly to a particular boy or parent. Not to mention that I find it hard to believe that 20 boys from one class all live in two adjacent neighborhoods, maybe 10, but not 20 (or a quarter).

In addition, hopefully this child has other friends in the neighborhood and the larger community that they can socialize with (and trick or treat with). It would be hard on a kid's developing ego to be let down all the time if their only "friend" group is not all inclusive all the time (for whatever reason). Again, real friends would not do this. Time to move on and encourage a new friend group for both the child's and parent's well being.

I also might add that it is an important life lesson to learn to cope with minor disappointments like not always being invited to all the parties, dinners, vacations, meetings, etc. As adults, life is not always all inclusive and people do things with different groups and subgroups. Healthy adults have multiple groups and communities they are part of - old friends, new friends, close friends, acquaintances, work friends, spouse friends, neighborhood friends, family friends, etc. Adults need to have strong enough egos to be able to handle any perceived slight (whether real or not) so that something like not getting invited to a party does not rock their world. In addition, it is extremely important that they foster strong egos in their children so they to can handle the inevitable small disappointments in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Well, STA has no way of knowing about this incident unless a parent tells them. And it's awkward to do it if it's your kid. If you feel so strongly about this, did you share wi any of the STA administrators? If not, then you have no right to say the school should have done something.

I am not the poster to whom you are responding but I must say your tone is really snarky and not helpful. No one is blaming Sta if you read the posts clearly. The post was speaking in general terms about anytime these incidents happened with parents or if boys are known to be social bullies they just need to be addressed.

Sounds like you missed this sentence:

School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

That is blaming STA.

I'm tired of people coming onto anonymous fora and saying that a school should do X or Y when they haven't acted like adults and had a real conversation with anyone at the school in a position to do anything about it. In multiple threads, including this one, STA is bashed for the poor behavior of a few outliers. In many cases -- as in this one, which involves a private party that took place outside of school hours -- ther is no way the school administration could know anything about it unless a parent or student alerted them to what occurred.

The previous poster made it clear that the parent of the excluded child did not want to "make things worse" for their child. It sounds like they dropped it. The other parents would have absolutely no way of knowing that a kid was singled out and not invited, unless they were explicitly told. There is never 100% attendance at any party. If some kids aren't there, most people would simply assume they had something else to do that night. So, unless the excluded boy, his parents, or one of their friends were willing to talk to the school administration, there is no way for them to know about what happened. And saying that the school should "intervene," when you haven't been willing to talk to anyone in a position of authority is immature and irresponsible.

I am not the poster to whom you're replying but I can see now why they would rather post on here than address a parent, out of fear of getting attacked like you're doing now! Your defense of this is oddly strange so maybe you do this yourself with your own kids and are trying to defend it? Who knows but it's very strange to reply to something that I think most reasonable people would think was not a nice thing to have happened - whether it was intentional or not - and hope that meausres are taken so this won't happen again (sounds like repeated incidences) without placing blame on the school. Just a statement that this is our community, these are our values, and either get on board or not...

Wow. Have you been reading the same thread I have? Your response is such an inaccurate summary of what's gone before, that I can only Xonxlude that you have difficulties with reading or that you have an agenda that makes it difficult for you to process facts objectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course parents know who is excluded. You don't ever look at who your emails or texts are addressed to besides yourself?

No -- especially when the list is more than a few people long. Also, I don't assume bad behavior is going on, nor do I feel it necessary to scan who else has been invited.

Many invitations we get are sent through Paperless Post, not e-mail, and some people choose not to have the other invitees listed.

Right, and you never carpool either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know that parents did not inform school? (13:52)
I had a very similar experience with my child...and I am now wondering if people are writing about my DC? If they are I had no idea how much DC was being excluded but then again we could be talking about completely different child...which means more than one with this problem... In our case, we spoke to child to provide coping strategy...I did mention to school that child had difficulty...but not sure, this thread relates because we were not aware of any party...only exclusion from large group...DC was so articulate in relating what happened...I actually was really proud of him...it never even occurred to me to reach out to another parent about it and to be honest if this my child I do not think he knows the full extent of the exclusion...however, now forming opinion about class. I also do not remember if DC had made plans with another child before hand...he may have...and maybe other family knows that? So could be us or someone else!!

So, you as a parent reported this incident and STA did nothing? That would be very interesting to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course parents know who is excluded. You don't ever look at who your emails or texts are addressed to besides yourself?

No -- especially when the list is more than a few people long. Also, I don't assume bad behavior is going on, nor do I feel it necessary to scan who else has been invited.

Many invitations we get are sent through Paperless Post, not e-mail, and some people choose not to have the other invitees listed.

Right, and you never carpool either.

Of course this vital fact would have come out during a carpool, right?

[Anonymous]

I am not sure my child is the one being talked about but, I did mention to school as part of another conversation... as I said, I was not fully aware of the extent (if us) of the exclusion...We provided support and strategies for dealing to child...I asked school if anything noticed at school...nothing. I personally think it is not something they are really looking for..If child brought to their attention they address...or if they see something parent might get call..although the facts so often not correct!! School will go into defense mode as well if big incident...I bet a few here familiar with that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure my child is the one being talked about but, I did mention to school as part of another conversation... as I said, I was not fully aware of the extent (if us) of the exclusion...We provided support and strategies for dealing to child...I asked school if anything noticed at school...nothing. I personally think it is not something they are really looking for..If child brought to their attention they address...or if they see something parent might get call..although the facts so often not correct!! School will go into defense mode as well if big incident...I bet a few here familiar with that...

I'm having a hard time taking someone who fails to speak in full sentences seriously. It sounds like a teen pretending to be a parent.