New STA parent seeking advice, suggestions, or just plain "I wish I had known X" info

[Anonymous]

What neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What neighborhood?

The school draws its student population from all around the DMV and the exclusion was of one student in a class/grade level.

[Anonymous]

Actually, if you read what the poster wrote, there was one boy from STA out of a group in a certain neighborhood who was not invited. She did not say one boy out of a whole class (that would be a pretty huge party), but one boy from a neighborhood group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also I would add that a parent that has a Halloween party and invites EVERY single sta boy in the grade in the neighborhood except for one boy who then did not have anyone to go out with is also equally mean.

Would the STA administration get involved in cases like this? I believe (or would like to believe) that Beauvoir's current administration would. It's pretty awful and blatant to exclude one child like that. Really egregious behavior on the part of the parents.

Totally agree. But what is the administration of a school supposed to do about this? It's a private party and, like it or not, people can invite to their home whomever they wish. It's unfair of people to expect the school to intervene.

Beauvoir's handbook makes it clear that if you're inviting more than 1/2 the class, ALL of the class must be invited. If it's an all-girls or all-boys party, if more than a few of the kids of either gender is invited, all of them must be. I do believe the school would respond if there was a violation of this. As a parent, I'd certainly hope they would.

If you read the contracts that we sign each year, private schools actually have much more leeway to eject families that don't conform to the norms of the community. Unfortinately, some of them are less likely to do so with families that donate a lot. Is STA one of those?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, if you read what the poster wrote, there was one boy from STA out of a group in a certain neighborhood who was not invited. She did not say one boy out of a whole class (that would be a pretty huge party), but one boy from a neighborhood group.

Hey, you're right. I just went back and re-read the original post about it. I apologize for my error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do posters think the other guest had any idea that one boy had not been invited? If I had been at the party I'd assume(if I had any reason to think about it at all) that the boy was out with other friends or was sick or not able to make it. Or that the kids weren't friends. Not appropriTe for the kid who was going to trick-or-treat with him to cancel (that's bad) but I'm not sure why any other parent would know a boy had been excluded.

Not before, afterwards! Go back to the original post about it. After the party everyone knew. And none of the parents stood up to the party parents about it. And that is why families like ours are quite concerned. It definitely is forcing us to reconsider our options for next year. Very sad showing all around.

OK, as a general principle, I agree that it's egregious to exclude one child. However, I can see situations where it might be justified. Was the one child a bully who was verbally or physically aggressive? I might let my kids exclude a child like that from a party.

Any other reason -- the kid was awkward, not cool, etc. -- and my kids would have to invite the child anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do posters think the other guest had any idea that one boy had not been invited? If I had been at the party I'd assume(if I had any reason to think about it at all) that the boy was out with other friends or was sick or not able to make it. Or that the kids weren't friends. Not appropriTe for the kid who was going to trick-or-treat with him to cancel (that's bad) but I'm not sure why any other parent would know a boy had been excluded.

Not before, afterwards! Go back to the original post about it. After the party everyone knew. And none of the parents stood up to the party parents about it. And that is why families like ours are quite concerned. It definitely is forcing us to reconsider our options for next year. Very sad showing all around.

Pp you are responding to here. Honestly, I wouldn't have done anything afterwards either. I can't imagine ever excluding a child in this way, but I also assume the best of other people and don't reach negative conclusions unless I have very good reason. Lots of times, certain kids don't get along with others, or there is some agreement between parents that they are taking a break from each other for a good reason. If the host parents were people I was friends with, I would probably ask about it privately. And would strongly encourage them to be more inclusive unless there was a very good reason not to be. But I certainly wouldn't make a public situation of it. I respect the privacy of both families involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What neighborhood?

The school draws its student population from all around the DMV and the exclusion was of one student in a class/grade level.

No, parents would never allow that to happen. It was all the boys in the neighborhood and the neighborhood next to it except one. The grade parties are always inclusive and parents are very good about that. If all the boys in the grade are invited to something parents will make sure no one is left off by accident. The parent that allowed her son to call and cancel on him at the last minute from the party should have insisted that he be invited along. Normally, that's what would happen with most parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do posters think the other guest had any idea that one boy had not been invited? If I had been at the party I'd assume(if I had any reason to think about it at all) that the boy was out with other friends or was sick or not able to make it. Or that the kids weren't friends. Not appropriTe for the kid who was going to trick-or-treat with him to cancel (that's bad) but I'm not sure why any other parent would know a boy had been excluded.

Not before, afterwards! Go back to the original post about it. After the party everyone knew. And none of the parents stood up to the party parents about it. And that is why families like ours are quite concerned. It definitely is forcing us to reconsider our options for next year. Very sad showing all around.

Pp you are responding to here. Honestly, I wouldn't have done anything afterwards either. I can't imagine ever excluding a child in this way, but I also assume the best of other people and don't reach negative conclusions unless I have very good reason. Lots of times, certain kids don't get along with others, or there is some agreement between parents that they are taking a break from each other for a good reason. If the host parents were people I was friends with, I would probably ask about it privately. And would strongly encourage them to be more inclusive unless there was a very good reason not to be. But I certainly wouldn't make a public situation of it. I respect the privacy of both families involved.

Some people are not approachable and I think you must be aware of that.

[Anonymous]

I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the family knows how much or to what level they are being excluded? What neighborhood did this occur in?

[Anonymous]

As a poster above hit on correctly, it's too bad the mom of the boy who was supposed to go trick-or-treating with him and cancelled didn't fix the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Well, STA has no way of knowing about this incident unless a parent tells them. And it's awkward to do it if it's your kid. If you feel so strongly about this, did you share wi any of the STA administrators? If not, then you have no right to say the school should have done something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the poster that posted about the Halloween party. It was not my son as I've said several times. I am regretting posting it. The parent of the boy would never mention it to the parent, as they're not approachable and they were worried it would make it worse for their son. I posted it because that is not the STA I have known and loved so when I heard about it it upset me, especially because it seems to be a trend in the same circles and I'm hoping if attention is brought to it it will stop. I will follow up by saying STA is such an amazing school and the school really does all it can to create a community and most of the community really is kind and wonderful to one another. School needs to pull aside the parents and kids not abiding by the community values and let them know it will not be tolerated.

Well, STA has no way of knowing about this incident unless a parent tells them. And it's awkward to do it if it's your kid. If you feel so strongly about this, did you share wi any of the STA administrators? If not, then you have no right to say the school should have done something.

I am not the poster to whom you are responding but I must say your tone is really snarky and not helpful. No one is blaming Sta if you read the posts clearly. The post was speaking in general terms about anytime these incidents happened with parents or if boys are known to be social bullies they just need to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying that I believe STA is an excellent school and a wonderful community. I agree that excluding a child from an all class party is not appropriate, but this does not sound like that kind of situation. It sounds to me like a child was not invited to a private party with a handful of friends who live within a neighborhood or two. Every neighborhood borders another neighborhood (unless it is an island), so any number of boys could feel excluded if they lived in bordering neighborhoods, especially if they are also friends with this group. Instead, it sounds to me like a group of friends got together for a halloween party, but did not invite all the boys or even a majority of the boys in their class. They selected their friends who live in their neighborhood and maybe one adjoining neighborhood. As someone else mentioned boys at STA live all over the DMV, so two bordering neighborhoods of boys would just be a small percentage within a class. If the kids and/or parents are friends then they were probably included. Not everyone has to be friends and they are clearly sending a message that they are not friends. The good news is there are 30-40 other boys in the class/grade that you can be friends with. Why would anyone want to be friends with people who clearly don't want to be friends with them and, in turn, don't include their child in social events outside of school? If this is purely a parent issue and not a child issue (meaning boys are friends, but parents are not) then the good news is in a few years the boys will be in high school and the parent social engineering will lessen as the boys will socialize on their own without parents having to be involved (or be friends).

This also does not sound like something the school administration would ever get involved in since it is a private party that does not include the whole class/grade or even a majority of students.