How to deal with a workaholic?
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Anonymous
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DH works a ton. On a typical day he is wake between 4 and 5am. He works at home until 7, when he runs, showers, and goes to work. He is at the office by 8:30am and most nights until at least 7, but often until 10,11,12. If he comes home at 7, he arrives at 7:30, eats, says goodnight to kids (maybe reads to them), and then falls asleep. At least one day a weekend he works, and when he isn’t working he is telling me all about the work he needs to do, the problems at work, etc. He runs at least 10 miles on Saturday after sleeping in , meaning he has no time for us until early afternoon- when he usually needs a nap because he is so exhausted. (Running is apparently what gives him the energy he needs to do anything) He says yes to every travel opportunity, volunteers in positions tangental to work, and never asks my opinion on any of this. He is too exhausted to do anything related to our house or family on a consistent, reliable basis. He has told me before that he has outsourced all of that to me. I also work full time, serve as the default parent, manage the house, yard, finances, etc. I am lonely because he is never home or only wants to discuss his job. I have to schedule girls night months in advance because he can never accommodate me doing anything. I grocery shop late at night when he is sleeping. When my parents visit, he doesn’t come home and I run all my errands.
Does he work big law and make tons of money? Nope. He is in education. Government job. Decent salary but not enough for me to hire out anything. Plus, he doesn’t want us spending money on that stuff. He wants nice suits, nice shoes, etc. And he pays out of pocket for most of his travel expenses for work. And he pays for frequent drinks, coffee, lunch, etc for the people who work with him. This is more important to him than a cleaner or yard crew. When I ask him if he could just focus a little bit more on the family, or maybe reserve one night a week for family, etc, he tells me that the alternative is him getting fired. This seems extreme. He is basically telling me to deal with it. Am I being unreasonable? He thinks I have confirmation bias and only see the bad, but even when he does help it is so inconsistent I can’t rely on it. It is like he is doing me a favor, not being responsible for anything. |
Anonymous
| Was he always like this? |
Anonymous
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Why did he want to be married and have kids?
Seriously. I'd ask him what he sees his family life like. It's clear what he wants his work life to be but it's at the expense of all of you. That can't go on without breaking and major resentment from his kids. The fact that he chooses to sleep in and then run and avoid family even when he's not working is a big flag. And I'm sorry, he's clearly not a partner in your marriage or parenting. |
Anonymous
We met and married right after college. So no... this was a gradual character development/change. And by the time I realized it was him, and not just adjusting to a new job, or trying for a promotion, or pre-kid focus, whatever- we had 2 kids, the behavior didn’t change, and it was complicated. |
Anonymous
When I try to talk about any of this, he turns it around on me. According to him I need therapy to deal with my own issues. According to him, anyone who doesn’t work as hard as him is a slacker or in a career field not as “virtuous” as his, so not important. |
Anonymous
| He has to compromise. That’s what marriage is. Why would he not want to be with his wife and children more? Consistently working until midnight? That doesn’t make sense. |
Anonymous
Ugh, is this what he thinks about you? I’m sorry. Yes, therapy. And then if that does t work, a decision about whether it’s easier to be alone with him or without him. Given how judgmental he sounds, that choice might be simpler. |
Anonymous
Ah. Well that's much harder then. So he gets to work and you get to work AND do everything else. If I were you I would go to therapy. Not because you have issues but because you need tools for you and for your kids to deal with this in the short and long term. And to make it clear to yourself as to what you want. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like he is working through issues related to his self-image, since all of the investment is there. If you have a solid relationship, do you think he would respond if you did the 180? Simply stop expecting things from him, do you think he would have a desire to spend more time, schedule date nights, etc.? Don't dangle on a thread for the possibility of someone that isn't willing to invest the same in you. It should be a mutually beneficial investment of time when you are with your spouse. Maybe marriage and family life is weighing more than he thought and work is an escape; maybe he is coming to terms with past childhood issues he had as a father or son, it is amazing what children will bring out of parents. You have 2 children, how long have you been married and outside of this do you generally get along? Still intimate? You have to look at the whole picture.
My partner is a workaholic, but he respects and always factors into his planning times for me, family, his health (that is actually a good thing that your husband is doing), and his work. Circumstances may not always balance equally but you can learn to optimize your time. |
Anonymous
| Are you sure he isn’t having an affair? Someone at work? |
Anonymous
Sorry to say it, but this is what I thought as well. Him spending his own money on government work travel is not something I’ve ever seen another Fed do - that’s a big red flag. Also the same for taking colleagues out to lunch, etc. it sounds like he’s having an affair with someone at work - I’m sorry. |
Anonymous
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Wow, I’m sorry OP. No, you’re not being unreasonable. He is a narcissist. I don’t understand what kind of educational field in Fed that requires him to work until the wee hours. I’m sorry, but I too think he might be having an affair. He hardly spends any time with you or the kids, spends all his money on his upkeep and colleagues. I thought at the very least that he makes big money and you are a SAHM. This is not a normal behavior from a caring husband and a good dad. He should feel bad that he can’t do more which doesn’t seem the case.
I’m married to a workaholic but I’m a SAHM. He travels a ton but he spends weekends cooking for us and trying to help out as much as possible. He works hard to provide for us and to build his career so that we have a good life not just to impress others. If he’s working so hard, why would there be a risk for him to get fired? Makes no sense. Do you know any of his coworkers? You really need to have a serious discussion with him and do some digging around so you can plan. Also the fact that you two have been together since college is concerning since people change a lot in their 20s and 30s. |
Anonymous
| He says he’d lose his job? Is he bad at it? Does he have to work longer to accomplish the same amount as others? Is there a perception that he has to work harder (eg age discrimination)? |
Anonymous
+1 narcissist or affair. Divorce. He will At least have to take the kids a few nights a week and you will get a break. He’s freeloading in your labor right now. Suck that you will both have to live in apts but it’s what I would do in your shoes. |
Anonymous
| I hate to say it but I agree re the divorce. You don't have a partner? you have a bad roommate. If he isn't making big bucks, you can divorce and take care of your family as you are doing now. |