Accepting that some people accept being treated badly

[Anonymous]

My parents bend over backwards to help two of my siblings. They sacrifice their own activities and trips, they drop everything and rush to help at a moment's notice, they put themselves in bad financial situations to help them, they give up their own time and energy leaving them exhausted, they provide free childcare...and what they get in return is people who are not appreciative, don't mind taking advantage of them and at times actually are rude and disrespectful to them.

I have talked to them about it as they aren't getting younger (mid 70s) but they feel they have no choice. In their minds this is what parents do and they love their grandkids and they also feel like they need to do anything and everything to keep their DILs happy or else they will be not allowed to see the kids. Both my SILs are very emotional people who get their feelings hurt very easily.

I see the impact it has on my parents and they vent to me. My dad would be willing to make changes and say no sometimes but my mom just cant'. Since they give so much to my siblings, they end up turning to me when they need help (mostly time or to do something for them - they don't ask for money).

In one case my sibling and his spouse decided they need a SAHP so they are always strapped for cash and they have 5 kids so they are always needing a break or help. In the other case my sibling has a very hot tempered wife and my parents are always trying to rescue my brother and the 3 kids from her rage and keep her happy.

It just sits like a slow burning fire smoldering in the back of my head. We get together for family events and it really impacts my desire to even see my siblings.

[Anonymous]

My mom martyrs herself to her younger brother, who is a hot mess, and used to complain and vent to me. But she wouldn't take control and change her interactions with him.

I can't change her interactions with him, but I sure can control MY CHOICE...I choose not to listen to her vents and complaints anymore. I told her flat out, "You've made Robert your problem, but he's not my problem. I'm not listening to this anymore."

If she mentions him, I very pointedly say, "How about those Colts?" If she tries again, I say, "Sounds like something to talk to a therapist about, but I am not a therapist." She finally has come to terms with the fact that she can't dump on me.

You are in charge of whether you listen to this or involve yourself in any way. Don't like it? Don't participate.

[Anonymous]

I have come to believe that parents like this create their identities and sense of value by becoming martyrs to over-demanding and manipulative adult children. They will literally exhaust themselves physically, emotionally, and financially to support an adult child who is completely capable, but unwilling, to support themselves.

My mother used to tell me stories when I was growing up of how her own mother, my maternal grandfather, was worked to death by her husband, my grandfather. Now, this was not a situation where he owned a factory and put her to work on the assembly lines until she just dropped dead. Apparently his expectations of a clean house and home cooked meals just finally killed her after all those years.

In hindsight, I look back on this story as my mom's first foray into the development of her own martyrdom complex. She is now retired, in her 70s with zero financial safety net, and spends all of her little spare money and emotional energy propping up the ridiculous lifestyle of my sibling and my sibling's child. It's exhausting to watch, and no amount of reasoning or encouragement to either party in this dynamic will convince them to change their behaviors.

For what it's worth, I am truly sorry that you have to witness this dynamic in your own family, and that the burden of your parents' secondary needs arising from this dynamic are falling upon you. If you do not want to help them out when they turn to you for support, I would say something like this: "Mom and Dad, over years I have watched you drain your wallets, psyches, and bodies to perpetuate a system of support for my siblings which is plainly unsustainable. When you provide 110% of yourselves daily to this dynamic, you are destroying your own experience in this life and crowding out the ability to help me also feel like a valued and loved member of this family. While I love you both with all my heart, I cannot help with this latest project/situation/issue that you have requested of me. This is the only way that I can play a role in helping break this cycle. If you are interested in finding resources to help you reclaim your independence from this dysfunction, I will do everything in my power to help with that."

Lots of love and luck to you. I'm in the same situation and it's heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

To be honest I’d just tell them that their lack of boundary setting is so upsetting it is damaging your relationship w them and your siblings. Advise you don’t want to hear what they are helping with and dont want to be asked for help.

You could literally have an intervention to address the dynamic and mom and the siblings will go right back to it.

[Anonymous]

I've seen this dynamic so many times: all you see is your parents suffering, because they're venting to you and letting you see the negative side of their actions. What your siblings see are loving grandparents willing to help out. I'm sure your siblings are grateful and thank their parents, but perhaps not in your hearing or not enough to your liking. And when people interact closely like this, obviously there's going to be friction. Your parents are getting SOMETHING out of that relationship! They are getting the joy of caring for their grandchildren, and the satisfaction of being needed and "mattering".

They are also getting SOMETHING out of their relationship with you: your help, your crusading on their behalf, and the satisfaction of "mattering", again.

The conclusions are:

There is nothing worth doing that isn't hard work. They have chosen to do this hard work, and have chosen you to vent to when they're fatigued. That's a little manipulative of them. However, soon enough they won't have the energy to help out and the situation will resolve by itself. I suggest you don't wage war on your siblings. This is on your parents, and after they've gone, you still have to get along with your siblings. Perhaps by then you'll have kids too, and your perspective will change a little bit.