Reply to Accepting that some people accept being treated badly

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[quote=Anonymous]I have come to believe that parents like this create their identities and sense of value by becoming martyrs to over-demanding and manipulative adult children. They will literally exhaust themselves physically, emotionally, and financially to support an adult child who is completely capable, but unwilling, to support themselves.

My mother used to tell me stories when I was growing up of how her own mother, my maternal grandfather, was worked to death by her husband, my grandfather. Now, this was not a situation where he owned a factory and put her to work on the assembly lines until she just dropped dead. Apparently his expectations of a clean house and home cooked meals just finally killed her after all those years.

In hindsight, I look back on this story as my mom's first foray into the development of her own martyrdom complex. She is now retired, in her 70s with zero financial safety net, and spends all of her little spare money and emotional energy propping up the ridiculous lifestyle of my sibling and my sibling's child. It's exhausting to watch, and no amount of reasoning or encouragement to either party in this dynamic will convince them to change their behaviors.

For what it's worth, I am truly sorry that you have to witness this dynamic in your own family, and that the burden of your parents' secondary needs arising from this dynamic are falling upon you. If you do not want to help them out when they turn to you for support, I would say something like this: "Mom and Dad, over years I have watched you drain your wallets, psyches, and bodies to perpetuate a system of support for my siblings which is plainly unsustainable. When you provide 110% of yourselves daily to this dynamic, you are destroying your own experience in this life and crowding out the ability to help me also feel like a valued and loved member of this family. While I love you both with all my heart, I cannot help with this latest project/situation/issue that you have requested of me. This is the only way that I can play a role in helping break this cycle. If you are interested in finding resources to help you reclaim your independence from this dysfunction, I will do everything in my power to help with that."

Lots of love and luck to you. I'm in the same situation and it's heartbreaking.[/quote]

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