Why am I always the one to initiate plans?
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Anonymous
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I've noticed a pattern with most - if not all - of the friends in my life and my kids' lives: I'm always the one to initiate plans, whether it's playdates, or family get-togethers, or couples nights out, or just a hang with a girlfriend. I have plenty of friends (of varying degrees of closeness) from many different areas of my life, but not one big group of friends -- it's like, a friend here from college, a friend there from high school, a family or two from the neighborhood, some families we met through preschool, etc. My kids are still young (6 and 3), but are social, well-adjusted, and well-liked, and have friends at their respective schools. Once I initiate an invitation, people are more than happy to get together (sometimes I host, sometimes they host, sometimes we meet out of the house), and we always have a nice time, so I'm fairly sure it's not that I'm a repulsive human being that no one wants to be around (at least I hope not).
I know people have busy lives (as do we -- two WOH parents with relatively high levels of responsibility), but still, I wonder why no one ever reaches out to me first. It's true that I'm a planner and an organizer, and I do enjoy doing these things, but it would be nice if someone else initiated the plan-making once in a while. What am I missing here? |
Anonymous
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I’m the same in my circles. I feel like I’m always hosting, inviting and planning. This is in all my circles.
DH, on the other hand, never plans anything. His friends invite him and he accepts or declines. He never ever initiates or makes the plans. It is what it is. The times others make plans I often don’t love the restaurant choice or hotel or whatever so I’m fine with it. |
Anonymous
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Me too, OP! I really felt this way. FELT.
I’ve recently reassessed. I realized that I had not initiated contact with 2 other friends in a long time, yet...they had not messaged me either in so long. It hurts, but if someone isn’t going to contact me then why should I bother? I have a few friends who I am up front about this, and it’s sort of a running joke: “my endless pursuit and commitment to our friendship”. And they say how grateful they are to me for that. So those relationships matter, even with the lulls. I do now have more people who initiate meet ups and it’s AWESOME. I’ve fallen into an incredible group and I love it. |
Anonymous
| Meh. I'm mostly the initiator too. I don't mind. It's a lot of mental labor and I think some are just swamped with other things to make the effort. If I want to see people, I initiate |
Anonymous
Doesn't that hurt your feelings, though? Like, if people wanted to see you enough, they would make the effort to initiate once in a while? |
Anonymous
| SAME! I literally just got off the phone from initiating something with a friend, who never initiates but always accepts an invite. It’s so odd. How is it that every relationship I have, I have to initiate? |
Anonymous
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OP I could have written this exact post, down to not having one big group of friends.
Over the years I've realized that it's almost never personal. I just try to remind myself of that. |
Anonymous
| For some people, socializing is very important. That's obviously true for you, OP. For others (like me), I'm totally fine not socializing. Happy to stay home with my family, watch a movie, etc. So I'm not going to initiate, but I'll usually be happy to accept. I also HATE hosting, so that's another reason I won't initiate. |
Anonymous
It does sometimes but I try not to dwell on it. Some people just don't think of others as much when they're in the midst of their own stresses. I'm fully aware that I'm much more in tune with other people's needs and wants than many. Comes from growing up with my mom who is great but whose feelings and expectations I needed to manage in order to have a peaceful relationship. I have found some other people who are lovely and easy going and initiate low key things and that's great and I enjoy spending time with them. |
Anonymous
| Introvert here. I tend to be invited more than I invite- and I appreciate it SO much when someone invites me to socialize. Fear of the word "no" intimidates me from asking others to get together, so I always like it when someone takes the initiative for a friendship. But also part of being an introvert is that I like to be alone and tend to not socialize unless someone else asks me first. Please try to not take it personally. Only take it personally if the people repeatedly tell you "no" to hanging out. |
Anonymous
| OP, I initiate and I resent it sometimes. Only way I can resent it less is to do something that makes me feel more empowered. I choose a time interval when I will initiate again. Then I put it on the calendar and forget it. If she initiates before then, great. If not, I feel some empowerment that I haven't let it occupy my thoughts in between. |
Anonymous
| You want to have company, for you and for your kids, that is why you initiate. Social need is strong with you. I don't see any reason for resentment, you are doing something that you want, let's not fake it you are doing it for Jane who is why. Shy Jane might be perfectly happy staying home, you, on the other hand, are not happy without company. What you are missing is that you are projecting your need for events and company to others. Maybe they can write a post how their friend Jill is constantly making them do things, they don't have a minute of peace? |
Anonymous
I want to see them more than I want to have a pity party about it. (this is a new poster) |
Anonymous
NP. I totally see what you're saying, but something I've learned in life is that not everyone is like me. My best friend and I are super planners, so we both initiate phone calls, visits, etc. But other friends aren't as good at planning. It doesn't mean they aren't happy to get together and don't have a blast when we do (and it sounds like your friends are the same) - it's that they're not the kind of people to look beyond the day they're in. It's like people who are on time versus people who are habitually late. I am always on time (and by that I mean a tiny bit early) to everything I do because it's in my nature to do that. I have other friends who are always late. I used to think it was a reflection of how they felt about me (if they really cared about spending time together, they'd be on time, etc.) but it really, really isn't. People are just wired differently. The way I see it, you have two choices - one is to be hurt about it and stop hanging out with people who don't initiate as often as you do, but then you're really cutting off your nose to spite your face. The other is to appreciate that everyone has fun when you're together and you are better at planning things than they are, so then you can just be happy to spend time with your friends. |
Anonymous
| This is my lot in life too. I just figure that if people don't want to see me/us, they will make an excuse and we will fade away. I'm happy to say that people usually are happy to make plans and follow through so I keep doing it. I'm an extrovert and I realize many people aren't but are happy to get together. IT is no big deal for me to send a text or email. |