Deciding on second and scared of something going wrong

[Anonymous]

We have a 17 month old who is awesome, bright, and always happy (still difficult with sleep and food so not “perfect” baby but up there haha).

I follow a few friends on Instagram and two had kids w Down syndrome (one tested one didn’t). Seeing their posts and grief in some cases to the life that could have been or the stress about the health issues and how relationship changes with the first baby, I’m so so scared of having a second. How do
You overcome an anxiety like that? I know it’s life but the photos and their posts make me cry every time I can sense the love and their sadness and I can’t imagine being that strong, I’d blame myself for ruining what we have.

[Anonymous]

Could have happened with the first too. Same leap of faith every time.

[Anonymous]

Following, but I don't know. Not Down Syndrome in particular, but my husband is convinced that we got too lucky with the first and doesn't want to try for a second because there are so many things that can go wrong. I always wanted her to have a sibling but when he brings this up I don't know how I feel - our first is pretty much perfect, true, but who knows what will happen later? She's healthy now but that's no guarantee, just like there's no guarantee a second would be born healthy (or sweet, or a good sleeper, etc). Ours is only 6 months old so I don't know what we'll decide but the starting point for our decisionmaking seems similar to yours.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get it with the leap of faith, you’re right but no matter what I wanted a child so the dynamic was us two and with a baby added. Now we have our son to think about, how it will impact him if something goes wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 17 month old who is awesome, bright, and always happy (still difficult with sleep and food so not “perfect” baby but up there haha).

I follow a few friends on Instagram and two had kids w Down syndrome (one tested one didn’t). Seeing their posts and grief in some cases to the life that could have been or the stress about the health issues and how relationship changes with the first baby, I’m so so scared of having a second. How do
You overcome an anxiety like that? I know it’s life but the photos and their posts make me cry every time I can sense the love and their sadness and I can’t imagine being that strong, I’d blame myself for ruining what we have.

I would talk with a professional. It’s normal to have a fleeting thought like that, but clearly it’s enough that you’re consistently thinking about this to the point of posting here. You may have crossed over into unhealthy and unproductive thinking. Also, step away from social media for a moment. Stop follows these friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you sister, I worry about the risks of another baby and even the pregnancy. So I am one and done.

[Anonymous]

DH and I agreed before trying to get pregnant what we would do if we found out the fetus had downs or any other abnormality.

Have a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed before trying to get pregnant what we would do if we found out the fetus had downs or any other abnormality.

Have a plan.

Was coming on to say the same. Most issues that you seem to fear would be picked up at the anatomy scan, if not sooner.

[Anonymous]

Once you see the ultrasound you and your hormones may not be able to follow the plan. it may be too gut wrenching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a 17 month old who is awesome, bright, and always happy (still difficult with sleep and food so not “perfect” baby but up there haha).

I follow a few friends on Instagram and two had kids w Down syndrome (one tested one didn’t). Seeing their posts and grief in some cases to the life that could have been or the stress about the health issues and how relationship changes with the first baby, I’m so so scared of having a second. How do
You overcome an anxiety like that? I know it’s life but the photos and their posts make me cry every time I can sense the love and their sadness and I can’t imagine being that strong, I’d blame myself for ruining what we have.

I would talk with a professional. It’s normal to have a fleeting thought like that, but clearly it’s enough that you’re consistently thinking about this to the point of posting here. You may have crossed over into unhealthy and unproductive thinking. Also, step away from social media for a moment. Stop follows these friends.

+1 Mom of 3 here. I totally understand this fear -it was rather consuming during my pregnancies and early infancies with both 2 and 3. I have intrusive thoughts/anxiety too, and if you've gotten to the point where they are barring you from having a second child it might be very beneficial to talk to someone!

But another thing: when I meet the siblings of disabled people, I am always AMAZED at how well-rounded, other-centered, and accomplished they are. You're second child will most likely be healthy and happy too -but if s/he is not, you'll still have a loving family and your first will not begrudge you for it.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees. Not when you are having a baby. Not once the baby arrives.

[Anonymous]

I had same worries about going for the third. I had 2 healthy smart awesome boys. I was getting older (37) and wanted to go for the third.

Have a beautiful healthy girl who is 2 now. Feel very blessed.

Plenty of kids with disabilities born to parents as firsts or seconds or thirds.

Go for it and get proper tests done during pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

There’s lots of things that go wrong after they are born, too. Cancer, psychological issues, accidents, drugs, etc. Having kids is an exercise in constant crippling anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s lots of things that go wrong after they are born, too. Cancer, psychological issues, accidents, drugs, etc. Having kids is an exercise in constant crippling anxiety.

+1

I was convinced there was no way I could have a 4th healthy pregnancy and baby. I was worried I would miscarry or have a baby with a trisomy. It didn’t cripple me though, it was more in the back of my mind, and I went on to have another healthy pregnancy and baby. I know I’m lucky, but I also think most people have healthy babies, we just remember and think about the ones who don’t more often.

[Anonymous]

Every single person is a gamble and we love them anyway.

It helps me to not think of Down Syndrome as a death sentence. I mean, I think an ALIVE child with down syndrome is better than a child passing away. Right? It is grim, but true.

Also, just because you birth a perfect child doesn't mean they will stay that way. He can hit his head sled riding and have brain damage.

Hope that helped your anxiety.