Deciding on second and scared of something going wrong

[Anonymous]

Grief is a normal part of accepting having a child with special needs. It DOES NOT mean that the child "ruined" the family. And every single relationship changes after the first child. Please stop projecting all your fears and concerns onto special needs kids...really gross and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Omigod, please do some reading about disability. People with disabilities are full, valuable human beings. They do not “ruin” families. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Your first is 17 months old. There’s still plenty of time to discover something is “wrong” about them too. Learning disabilities, mental illness, addiction. All can come later. This is the gamble of having children. They are humans.

[Anonymous]

You should not have a second child.

[Anonymous]

This is why it’s so hard to have a child with special needs. Not because of the child. Because of attitudes like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it’s so hard to have a child with special needs. Not because of the child. Because of attitudes like yours.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it’s so hard to have a child with special needs. Not because of the child. Because of attitudes like yours.

How is her attitude creating major difficulties for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it’s so hard to have a child with special needs. Not because of the child. Because of attitudes like yours.

How is her attitude creating major difficulties for you?

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I agreed before trying to get pregnant what we would do if we found out the fetus had downs or any other abnormality.

Have a plan.

Was coming on to say the same. Most issues that you seem to fear would be picked up at the anatomy scan, if not sooner.

So much that you aren’t going to pick up with prenatal testing - autism, asd, mental illness. These are real concerns and all life changers. I don’t know how you make the decision to take the risk but you are wise to think about it. I know so many people who regret their decision and wish they had really considered the possibility that their child could have special needs.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I never meant to say any of these things you’re talking about. I realize that raising kids and then adults with SN is costly, emotional, likely extremely anxiety ridden, draining, and stressful. That’s what I meant by the ruined comment, we barely keep it together now as parents. My comments are about how I don’t think I’ll be strong enough like these other two friends. I know you’d love your child forever and always but I am anxious about implications for the whole family. Anyway...was just wondering about something I know we can’t control and how others overcame those thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I never meant to say any of these things you’re talking about. I realize that raising kids and then adults with SN is costly, emotional, likely extremely anxiety ridden, draining, and stressful. That’s what I meant by the ruined comment, we barely keep it together now as parents. My comments are about how I don’t think I’ll be strong enough like these other two friends. I know you’d love your child forever and always but I am anxious about implications for the whole family. Anyway...was just wondering about something I know we can’t control and how others overcame those thoughts.

17 months is a tough age. If you are barely keeping it together now, you should space a second kid (if you have one) farther apart, like 3.5-4 year age gap. We did not do that deliberately -- ran into secondary infertility -- but my two are just under 3.5 years apart and it is so, so much easier than it would have been if they'd been 2 years apart like we'd planned. My second had some minor health issues for the first few months and my first was very understanding and able to entertain himself in a way a 2 year old could not have. Plus he'd already been potty trained and was past the worst of the tantrums -- big plus.

Unless you are nearing 40, I'd say give it at least one more year before you even consider getting pregnant. By then you will have a better idea if you can handle two kids at all. Some people are better off with one and there's no shame in that. We are at our max with two. Hypothetically I'd love a third but realistically I know it would break us.

[Anonymous]

Please consider seeking therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you sister, I worry about the risks of another baby and even the pregnancy. So I am one and done.

But aren’t you scared about something happening to your only child? That is the flip side of the coin. There’s risk either way. Being a parent is scary stuff at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please consider seeking therapy.

What exactly would she need therapy for? Having another child is a very big decision.

[Anonymous]

OP you really need to be aware of the ableism in your post. I say this as a mom of one healthy/typical kid and one with a disability that we never in a million years would have anticipated, cannot be detected in ultrasounds or tested for prenatally, and could not have been prevented. It has been humbling to realize that I too was pretty ableist leading up to my son’s birth and now I see just how rampant ableism is in our society. I wish my son did not have a disability but it does not define him. We cannot imagine our family without him and we are all better people for having him on our lives. It has opened up our world in ways we never could have imagined in terms of the people we have met and new things we have learned. People with disabilities don’t want your pity they want acceptance and understanding when it comes to the challenges they face.

For a while I was on the fence about having a third child. When I realized that I would regret it if the child had a disability or medical condition, that was my answer that I should not have another. If you truly in your heart want to have another child you have to be willing to roll the dice and accept whatever happens.