Donor Egg --- donor sperm?

[Anonymous]

I am married and we are having no luck with IVF. We are considering a donor egg. Has anyone done a donor egg and also used donor sperm? I feel it would be an odd dynamic to have only my husband's DNA in the child, but using a donor egg and donor sperm is almost like adopting. How have you broached this with your husband?

[Anonymous]

You can also use a donor embryo instead of a donor egg and donor sperm. That's what we're leaning toward these days. I have DOR and there is no male factor.

Embryo donation is a much cheaper option than egg donation, and there is the possibility of an open donation as opposed to anonymous. What appealed to me and my husband about embryo donation is that possibility. There is research showing that anonymous donation may not be the best option for the children conceived through egg/sperm/embryo donation. It is in fact no longer legal to anonymously donate gametes in the UK and Victoria, Australia based on that research.

I'd be careful in using adoption terminology/reference when referring to embryo donation as there are certain connotations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can also use a donor embryo instead of a donor egg and donor sperm. That's what we're leaning toward these days. I have DOR and there is no male factor.

Embryo donation is a much cheaper option than egg donation, and there is the possibility of an open donation as opposed to anonymous. What appealed to me and my husband about embryo donation is that possibility. There is research showing that anonymous donation may not be the best option for the children conceived through egg/sperm/embryo donation. It is in fact no longer legal to anonymously donate gametes in the UK and Victoria, Australia based on that research.

I'd be careful in using adoption terminology/reference when referring to embryo donation as there are certain connotations.

Thanks for responding and the info. I had not heard about embryo donation. Would an "open donation" mean that the child would be able to contact the donors? Would it mean that the donors had the right to contact the child? I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Sorry about the adoption reference, I don't know the sensitivities there and didn't mean to offend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can also use a donor embryo instead of a donor egg and donor sperm. That's what we're leaning toward these days. I have DOR and there is no male factor.

Embryo donation is a much cheaper option than egg donation, and there is the possibility of an open donation as opposed to anonymous. What appealed to me and my husband about embryo donation is that possibility. There is research showing that anonymous donation may not be the best option for the children conceived through egg/sperm/embryo donation. It is in fact no longer legal to anonymously donate gametes in the UK and Victoria, Australia based on that research.

I'd be careful in using adoption terminology/reference when referring to embryo donation as there are certain connotations.

Also, can you tell me who does embryo donation? A quick search of CCRM produced nothing. Does SF do it?

[Anonymous]

You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

If I were him, I'd say use my sperm or forget it. Those would be my true feelings. And if you said no, I'd go have a kid with another woman.

[Anonymous]

We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can also use a donor embryo instead of a donor egg and donor sperm. That's what we're leaning toward these days. I have DOR and there is no male factor.

Embryo donation is a much cheaper option than egg donation, and there is the possibility of an open donation as opposed to anonymous. What appealed to me and my husband about embryo donation is that possibility. There is research showing that anonymous donation may not be the best option for the children conceived through egg/sperm/embryo donation. It is in fact no longer legal to anonymously donate gametes in the UK and Victoria, Australia based on that research.

I'd be careful in using adoption terminology/reference when referring to embryo donation as there are certain connotations.

Also, can you tell me who does embryo donation? A quick search of CCRM produced nothing. Does SF do it?

This link has a lot of good information: https://pved.org/embryodonationprograms.php

SG does have an embryo donation program, but they only do anonymous donation: https://www.shadygrovefertility.com/treatments-success/donor-gestational-carrier/donor-embryo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

NP and I get what you're saying, and I for one won't flame you for it. I would really encourage you, though, to consider PP's point about your child having the genetic connection to one parent, completely aside from your husband's opinion on his manhood which is not the child's problem (though unfortunately it's yours; it's annoying, I know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

Dp. Do you think your dh did it delibetately? If not, and you still have a problem I wouldn't do it until I resolved this issue with myself. If it means talking to dh and a professional then so be it. Sounds like you shouldn't bring any kid into your family while you feel resentful of your dh

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be honest with him and see what he thinks. My husband had no sperm so it was sperm donor or adoption. I choose adoption because I did not want another man's child in my body as it didn't feel right and adoption did. Everyone is different. Go with your feelings and talk to him. Mine let the choice be mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

We did this too. I posted some weeks ago about our decision -- we had an option to take 3 donor embryos from a cohort that had produced a live birth for another family or donor egg and try for DHs sperm. If we went donor eggs we were going to do 1/2 DH sperm, 1/2 donor sperm on the recommendation of our RE. Given that our RE was not sure about DHs sperm we just decided to just skip the heartache and go with the embryos despite the fact that we had less choice about the donor eggs/sperm profiles bc they were already put together. The FET is next week and on balance we are optimistic for the first time since we began this (hellish) process in 2015.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

We did this too. I posted some weeks ago about our decision -- we had an option to take 3 donor embryos from a cohort that had produced a live birth for another family or donor egg and try for DHs sperm. If we went donor eggs we were going to do 1/2 DH sperm, 1/2 donor sperm on the recommendation of our RE. Given that our RE was not sure about DHs sperm we just decided to just skip the heartache and go with the embryos despite the fact that we had less choice about the donor eggs/sperm profiles bc they were already put together. The FET is next week and on balance we are optimistic for the first time since we began this (hellish) process in 2015.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

I'm the PP above. I felt the same - and it's not fair. DH insisted we wait and then it was too late. I was mad at him for wanting to wait and i was mad at myself for not pushing harder - lots of madness occurred. We also discovered he had severe MF, so the donor convo wasn't just about fairness of genetic relationship. For a while, I was concerned it wouldn't happen without a sperm donor. UGH - I'd never been so angry as I was in talking to DH about it all - I could feel my blood pressure spike. Getting through it took some therapy (coming to terms with anger at DH for delay and his position on sperm donor, my feelings of failure and loss at not having good eggs, understanding how DE would likely be perceived by child). I do think you can/should express your feelings to your DH b/c they're valid. In the end, though, it'll hopefully be about what's best for everyone as a family, including the child. Getting there can be hard - HUGS.

In addition to putting my feelings aside so the kid would have a dna link to at least one of us, I was also more comfortable with DE. I did a crazy amount of research into both. Egg donors seem to be better vetted and they don't donate as many times, so there won't be as many potential 1/2 siblings, which can also be a plus for the kid. Also, since it's a difficult process, I think that naturally helps (of course no guarantee) weed out people who only do it for $ and haven't really thought through what it means to them. I'm not trashing sperm donation by any stretch (and I would have done it if needed), it's just that DE by it's nature seems to have some additional safeguards built in.