Donor Egg --- donor sperm?

[Anonymous]

^addition to above post - I also don't mean that DE only will necessarily be where you land as I did, just that there's quite a bit to process in figuring out what's best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be honest with him and see what he thinks. My husband had no sperm so it was sperm donor or adoption. I choose adoption because I did not want another man's child in my body as it didn't feel right and adoption did. Everyone is different. Go with your feelings and talk to him. Mine let the choice be mine.

The only way another man’s child is going to be in your uterus is if you had sex with that man and became pregnant or if you are his surrogate. Please don’t equate using donor sperm/donor eggs as having another person’s baby, as I assure you when you going through fertility treatments you are 100% vested in YOUR baby before that 2nd line pops up on the pee stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

We did this too. I posted some weeks ago about our decision -- we had an option to take 3 donor embryos from a cohort that had produced a live birth for another family or donor egg and try for DHs sperm. If we went donor eggs we were going to do 1/2 DH sperm, 1/2 donor sperm on the recommendation of our RE. Given that our RE was not sure about DHs sperm we just decided to just skip the heartache and go with the embryos despite the fact that we had less choice about the donor eggs/sperm profiles bc they were already put together. The FET is next week and on balance we are optimistic for the first time since we began this (hellish) process in 2015.

Good luck to you!!!!

OP here and my husband's sperm is actually fine, so wouldn't be doing it for any medical reason. More of the other reasons I mentioned - how the dynamic would affect the family and my lingering resentment that he postponed our wedding and cut off my chances for this baby to be bio mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should definitely talk to your DH about it, even if it's just to let him know how you feel and what you're thinking. Be prepared for him to be anti-sperm donor (even if only initially) - the topic can bring out some feelings around manhood that you may not expect (and may find silly). That's what happened to me. Also, consider that a kid may like having a dna relationship to at least one parent, so it's a good idea to consider that (it'll be hard to tell a kid that you didn't want them to have it b/c it made you insecure). My DH had the perspective that I got to be pregnant and have that bond (and the influence my body had on dna expression) and he wanted to have the dna bond. After many many rounds of IVF, we did DE only.

You do bring up a few good points. However, and I know this sounds petty and I'm prepared to be flamed for this, he was the one who waited to get married with me repeatedly telling him that I had low ovarian reserve so I don't feel like it's fair that he still gets to have a genetic child and I don't. Just true feelings. I also feel that it will be an awkward family dynamic for us personally. I do feel my husband will be against it.

I'm the PP above. I felt the same - and it's not fair. DH insisted we wait and then it was too late. I was mad at him for wanting to wait and i was mad at myself for not pushing harder - lots of madness occurred. We also discovered he had severe MF, so the donor convo wasn't just about fairness of genetic relationship. For a while, I was concerned it wouldn't happen without a sperm donor. UGH - I'd never been so angry as I was in talking to DH about it all - I could feel my blood pressure spike. Getting through it took some therapy (coming to terms with anger at DH for delay and his position on sperm donor, my feelings of failure and loss at not having good eggs, understanding how DE would likely be perceived by child). I do think you can/should express your feelings to your DH b/c they're valid. In the end, though, it'll hopefully be about what's best for everyone as a family, including the child. Getting there can be hard - HUGS.

In addition to putting my feelings aside so the kid would have a dna link to at least one of us, I was also more comfortable with DE. I did a crazy amount of research into both. Egg donors seem to be better vetted and they don't donate as many times, so there won't be as many potential 1/2 siblings, which can also be a plus for the kid. Also, since it's a difficult process, I think that naturally helps (of course no guarantee) weed out people who only do it for $ and haven't really thought through what it means to them. I'm not trashing sperm donation by any stretch (and I would have done it if needed), it's just that DE by it's nature seems to have some additional safeguards built in.

Yes there is so, so much grief.

[Anonymous]

OP, most reputable fertility centers, including SGFC locally, will require you to work with one of their therapists, as a couple, before they will clear you to use DE. Given your situation they would undoubtedly mandate it if you were to use donor sperm given the lack of medical need, and I am not sure that SGFC's ethics policies would allow the use of donor sperm without medical need.

You need the help of a professional to talk through your lingering anger and resentment, since you are denying your husband a biological child out of a sense of "fairness" (which put another way, is out of a lack of generosity to your spouse), and your child a biological connection to either parent, which might not be viewed as ethical.

[Anonymous]

PP 00:57 here. I wanted to add: I was gargantually disappointed that I wasn't able to have a bio child or a known closely-related donor (my sister). We ended up doing anonymous DE, choosing a donor from an agency, with sperm from my DH.

I adore my husband, and there's something that's quite awesome raising our DS, and seeing many of the things that I love in DH reflected in DS. I see plenty of myself, too, reflecting just how strong the influence of environment is. And sometimes I see what I suspect are elements of the donor in him, too, but it doesn't make me love him any less.

I think in rejecting the use of your husband's sperm, you're also denying yourself the opportunity to watch a child grow up with more elements of someone that you (at least in theory) love. If you decide, well, you don't want that, I'd seriously question how much you genuinely love your husband and whether or not you really want to have a child with him at all.

[Anonymous]

That is absolutely RIDICULOUS to suggest that SG would not allow donor sperm outside medical need. They would require both parties' consent. They also do donor embryo for couples. It's not limited to medical need for both egg and sperm.

[Anonymous]

We did donor sperm and donor egg at Shady Grove. Got pregnant on the first try. DC is now almost 11 years old. I cannot imagine life without DC. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

We had to demonstrate medical need at SGFC. Many donor agencies also require that you demonstrate medical need (our SGFC RE had to provide a letter). Maybe the policy has changed, I dunno.

[Anonymous]

We also did donor sperm and egg at Shady Grove. Didn't need to demonstrate medical need but did need to see a therapist when we decide on donor egg and again when we decided on donor sperm. We went through many cycles of IVF before finally having our children.

I think we both would have been reluctant to give up the genetic link if it wasn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

We did this too. I posted some weeks ago about our decision -- we had an option to take 3 donor embryos from a cohort that had produced a live birth for another family or donor egg and try for DHs sperm. If we went donor eggs we were going to do 1/2 DH sperm, 1/2 donor sperm on the recommendation of our RE. Given that our RE was not sure about DHs sperm we just decided to just skip the heartache and go with the embryos despite the fact that we had less choice about the donor eggs/sperm profiles bc they were already put together. The FET is next week and on balance we are optimistic for the first time since we began this (hellish) process in 2015.

Good luck to you!!!!

OP here and my husband's sperm is actually fine, so wouldn't be doing it for any medical reason. More of the other reasons I mentioned - how the dynamic would affect the family and my lingering resentment that he postponed our wedding and cut off my chances for this baby to be bio mine.

If you hold such resentment, don’t have a baby with your husband. You are being childish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to be honest with him and see what he thinks. My husband had no sperm so it was sperm donor or adoption. I choose adoption because I did not want another man's child in my body as it didn't feel right and adoption did. Everyone is different. Go with your feelings and talk to him. Mine let the choice be mine.

The only way another man’s child is going to be in your uterus is if you had sex with that man and became pregnant or if you are his surrogate. Please don’t equate using donor sperm/donor eggs as having another person’s baby, as [/b]I assure you when you going through fertility treatments you are 100% vested in YOUR baby before that 2nd line pops up on the pee stick.

[b]


Feelings don’t trump fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did donor egg and donor sperm but that was based on our doctors' advice at the end of a very long IVF road . If my DH had had good sperm quality we would have opted to do just donor egg.

We did this too. I posted some weeks ago about our decision -- we had an option to take 3 donor embryos from a cohort that had produced a live birth for another family or donor egg and try for DHs sperm. If we went donor eggs we were going to do 1/2 DH sperm, 1/2 donor sperm on the recommendation of our RE. Given that our RE was not sure about DHs sperm we just decided to just skip the heartache and go with the embryos despite the fact that we had less choice about the donor eggs/sperm profiles bc they were already put together. The FET is next week and on balance we are optimistic for the first time since we began this (hellish) process in 2015.

Good luck to you!!!!

OP here and my husband's sperm is actually fine, so wouldn't be doing it for any medical reason. More of the other reasons I mentioned - how the dynamic would affect the family and my lingering resentment that he postponed our wedding and cut off my chances for this baby to be bio mine.

You'd be using donor sperm to punish your husband.

You need to do some thinking with a therapist about that. You also need to understand that YOU decided to wait for your now-husband to want to get married, rather than date others or go it alone. Ultimately it's not his fault or anyone's that you had low ovarian reserve.