Any tips for not resenting a chronically ill DH?

[Anonymous]

I’m not mad at him for being sick, but boy am I tired of picking up all the slack. His defense mechanism is to pretend what I’m doing is not a big deal, which is more infuriating. The only thing he consistently does is work. Aside from that I pretty much feel like I am a single parent with a part time babysitter who swoops in when he feels like it. For example, it’s 8:00 and he is the only person still asleep in our house while I clean and get ready for next week.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself if you would trade places with him. Have some compassion and hire more outside help.

[Anonymous]

So he’s chronically ill and you want him to operate as a normal person?

Accept the fact that he can only do so much, be thankful that he is able to work and get therapy and outside help.

[Anonymous]

The tip is self care for you. If you are getting your needs met, you won’t get to that worn through too thin place where resentment sets in. The start of our relationship through the first three years of marriage, I was the chronically ill person. DH played basketball one night a week. Now, he has cancer. I am learning to carve out a couple hours for myself.

Sleep is absolutely critically to healing. He may be sleeping longer than you did, but his body needs it. He might have slept poorly during the night and is still exhausted.

[Anonymous]

I have a chronic illness & see both sides. You MUST work together. He works so give hi credit there. If his illness includes chronic fatigue & pain, please don't discount the mental toll it takes. He works so props to him for that. And props to you for picking up the slack. Maybe he can pick up more of the mental load and you handle the physical tasks. He can meal plan & make the shopping lists, schedule appointments, pay the bills, plan gatherings & parties, take on decluttering tasks where he can sit etc. I made a pointed effort to mentally support H when he picks up the slack. I take time to write a heartfelt note, record a new show he'd like, make a special dinner.

[Anonymous]

Get some therapy for the two of you to figure out how to manage communicating with one another. You need a third party to be objective and validate both yours and his current state.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I think it’s easier to feel guilty than appreciative.

Can you outsource cleaning?

[Anonymous]

Could you outsource more?

Are there things he could do that don't require much moving around, like order groceries on line, balance check books and monitor finances, order kids clothes and school supplies, order birthday gifts for upcoming parties? Folding laundry? Reading to the kids or overseeing their homework?

If you were a single parent with some disposable income, you'd order everything possible online and outsource things like cleaning and yard work.

Also: don't be a martyr. You don't HAVE to be up by 8 am on the weekends to clean and neither does he.

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Try a little empathy?

[Anonymous]

May depend on what the chronIf illness is and how he’s managing it.

[Anonymous]

Sooooo, just b/c he's chronically ill doesn't mean he shouldn't have to make you feel appreciated. Make it clear that you love them but you also need to feel appreciated and cherished. It's okay to tell him that sometimes the constant demands of the household makes you feel more like an orderly than a loved and cherished wife. You're not mad that they have an illness, and they don't need to be apologetic, but if they could openly be thankful that they have YOU to be there for them.... it makes a huge difference

-someone who has been there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May depend on what the chronIf illness is and how he’s managing it.

This. I’ve seen marriages where one spouse was ill due to lifestyle choices (alcohol, obesity, smoking, etc) and no way would I take care of someone who did it to themselves. I know one wife who became extremely ill herself due to the stress of taking care of her addict husband, and he was useless in caring for her.

Also, it this indefinite or is their a light at the end of the tunnel?

[Anonymous]

Maybe a few sessions with a therapist together to help with him showing appreciation and you gaining empathy. You both could probably use a little more insight into the other.

Also, remember life is usually long. There may be a time when he will have to shoulder more of the responsibility to carry you through a rough patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

That sounds more like dementia and you sound like a pretty mean person. She is not self-centered and you don't really understand it given your post.