Any tips for not resenting a chronically ill DH?

[Anonymous]

My DH also has a problem with minimizing my contributions as a coping mechanism. Nip that in the bud. And get more help.

[Anonymous]

I have a DH with health & social anxiety who is chronically thinking up new diseases that he suspects he has. He has been on & off of anxiety meds but nothing has worked. He's promised to stick to a consistent exercise routine to minimize the anxiety, but doesn't follow through.

It's been 20+ years of - maybe it's a tumor, maybe it's cancer, could it be ALS? OMG! It's none of these things, except plain old anxiety. I wasn't a very patient person to begin with, but this has tested me to the limits.

The self-centered-ness of him playing out all these dire medical scenarios while I'm keeping the kids fed and house running smoothly has made be very resentful. I've outsourced housecleaning & yard work. He only does things for the house/family when explicitly asked. Never thinks ahead to what may be needed and only awaits instructions. It's tiring.

[Anonymous]

DP here. My DH is sole breadwinner and I am SAHM with chronic illness. He has taken care of me, our two kids, and the house for more than 6-7 years. He helped me to get help for my condition and after a long time, I have become somewhat functional again. Yes, we outsource a lot of work and I was able to at least direct the people we hired to help out but it was not a great situation. I am so thankful to my DH for not losing his patience with me and being the most compassionate person. I sympathize with your situation and I know it is tough. The only path forward is to outsource as much as you can and get a lot of insurance for both of you. Hopefully, he will recover somewhat and things will become better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

This is our marriage. My husband has MS, and this is exactly what our marriage looks like.

Marriages where one spouse has MS have an extremely high failure rate. That does not surprise me one bit.

It is very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

That sounds more like dementia and you sound like a pretty mean person. She is not self-centered and you don't really understand it given your post.

Unless you have been married to someone with MS, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

That sounds more like dementia and you sound like a pretty mean person. She is not self-centered and you don't really understand it given your post.

Unless you have been married to someone with MS, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I cared for someone with dementia, far worse for many years. I have a chronic illness so yes, I know how it feels. Thank goodness I'm not married to you.

[Anonymous]

Why are you up at 8am cleaning on a Saturday morning? Who wants to do that? Unless that makes you happy, stop. Sleep in yourself too or go do something yourself. It’s understandable that anyone, and particularly someone who is ill, might want to sleep past eight on a Saturday.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful that you aren’t the sick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he’s chronically ill and you want him to operate as a normal person?

Accept the fact that he can only do so much, be thankful that he is able to work and get therapy and outside help.

When did OP ever say that? Chronic illness is brutal for the caretaker - which OP is. She wants him to show appreciation for what she’s doing. Do you really think it’s too much to ask for an occasional thank you?

Instead, he minimizes everything she does and acts like it’s nothing. That really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be grateful that you aren’t the sick one.

I’ve been the sick one. It’s better than being the caregiver (which I’ve done too.)

[Anonymous]

Op, is he in therapy? Depression, anxiety , and other mental health issues go hand in hand with chronic health issues. Its important to take care of the mental aspect the same as you take for the physical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

That sounds more like dementia and you sound like a pretty mean person. She is not self-centered and you don't really understand it given your post.

Unless you have been married to someone with MS, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I cared for someone with dementia, far worse for many years. I have a chronic illness so yes, I know how it feels. Thank goodness I'm not married to you.

I have both cared for someone with dementia, and been married to someone with MS. I repeat, you have no idea what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP here. My DH is sole breadwinner and I am SAHM with chronic illness. He has taken care of me, our two kids, and the house for more than 6-7 years. He helped me to get help for my condition and after a long time, I have become somewhat functional again. Yes, we outsource a lot of work and I was able to at least direct the people we hired to help out but it was not a great situation. I am so thankful to my DH for not losing his patience with me and being the most compassionate person. I sympathize with your situation and I know it is tough. The only path forward is to outsource as much as you can and get a lot of insurance for both of you. Hopefully, he will recover somewhat and things will become better.

This is why your situation is nothing like the OP.

How would your DH react if you told him hiring cleaners was NBD and he wasn’t even the one who was home to talk to the handyman and babysitters he hired? Would he still be compassionate with you if you said all the things he did to help you weren’t that hard and didn’t take much time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be grateful that you aren’t the sick one.

Statistically, the caregiver spouse is more likely to die first. Stress and getting worn out is what does it. Look it up, then decide if it’s really as great as you’re making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be grateful that you aren’t the sick one.

You sound like someone who has neither had a chronic illness nor been the primary caregiver for someone with a chronic illness.