Any tips for not resenting a chronically ill DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not mad at him for being sick, but boy am I tired of picking up all the slack. His defense mechanism is to pretend what I’m doing is not a big deal, which is more infuriating. The only thing he consistently does is work. Aside from that I pretty much feel like I am a single parent with a part time babysitter who swoops in when he feels like it. For example, it’s 8:00 and he is the only person still asleep in our house while I clean and get ready for next week.

Is he diagnosed chronically ill like with a condition? Or is he just chronically tired and self diagnosed? Why is he selectively Ok at work but then not OK at home? Perhaps he needs to hire more help since this is not a good priority.

Either way you need coupled counseling to communicate better and not feel taken advantage of and also whatever he is feeling.

I have two autoimmunue diseases. Both cause fatigue. One is Crohn's. I am also immunosuppressed due to biologics, so I get frequent viruses and infections on top of the autoimmune disease symptoms. I work full time as an elementary school teacher which takes about 3 of my 5 spoons for the day. I have to work in order to receive good health benefits. I would 100% prefer to not work and be able to do the majority of the household work. I don't have energy for both. My husband definitely resents it and truly doesn't seem to fully understand how I feel on a day to day basis. I feel guilty about it and used to try to hide how crappy I felt but that didn't do me any good. I have started to try to communicate more so that he better understands what I deal with.

Sometimes when he's being kind of a jerk about it I ask him what he'd prefer. Me to continue working in order to have great medical benefits where my $10,000 biologic infusions I need every 6 weeks are covered except for a $20 copay but I need to rest when I get home from work, or for me to stop working and have energy to do the grocery shopping, cook meals, do the sports practice runs, clean the house etc but have to be on his extremely high deductible/ high copay medical plan without my salary.

That's a long answer to your question.

Keep working. That’s the right choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I'm in the same boat. Sometimes he would have a moment of self reflection and acknowledge that he's been acting like an ass, but most of the time he's just angry, irritable, and self-centered. I got minimal emotional support from him when my mom passed away a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'm in the same boat. Sometimes he would have a moment of self reflection and acknowledge that he's been acting like an ass, but most of the time he's just angry, irritable, and self-centered. I got minimal emotional support from him when my mom passed away a year ago.

Op. My mom died last year too. Same. Sorry for your loss. Luckily my dh is mostly nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a DH with health & social anxiety who is chronically thinking up new diseases that he suspects he has. He has been on & off of anxiety meds but nothing has worked. He's promised to stick to a consistent exercise routine to minimize the anxiety, but doesn't follow through.

It's been 20+ years of - maybe it's a tumor, maybe it's cancer, could it be ALS? OMG! It's none of these things, except plain old anxiety. I wasn't a very patient person to begin with, but this has tested me to the limits.

The self-centered-ness of him playing out all these dire medical scenarios while I'm keeping the kids fed and house running smoothly has made be very resentful. I've outsourced housecleaning & yard work. He only does things for the house/family when explicitly asked. Never thinks ahead to what may be needed and only awaits instructions. It's tiring.

I could have written this post. It's *always* something with my husband. A stubbed toe turns into six weeks with an air boot and a cane. indigestion turns into three days in bed.

Now that our son is a teenager he has started to kiss respect for him. It's heart breaking. I think my husband honestly believes he's incapacitated, and it's a self-fulflling prophecy. Meanwhile because he's a professional patient I always have to work through every illness. We don't have the luxury of my getting time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of support groups out there specifically ones for caregivers.

If it is something like RA there are ways to minimize the pain (that don't include lifelong presciptions) which is what DH struggles with (so I totally understand how resentful it can be AND he is such a Debbie Downer about everything since he isn't feeling very well which makes me disappointed and grumpy and than that wears off on the kids).

Have you talked to the doctor to weigh options for pain mgmt?

What are the ways to minimize RA pain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a ton of support groups out there specifically ones for caregivers.

If it is something like RA there are ways to minimize the pain (that don't include lifelong presciptions) which is what DH struggles with (so I totally understand how resentful it can be AND he is such a Debbie Downer about everything since he isn't feeling very well which makes me disappointed and grumpy and than that wears off on the kids).

Have you talked to the doctor to weigh options for pain mgmt?

What are the ways to minimize RA pain?

^^ search the Health forum. Managing RA pain is a topic that comes up every few weeks.
For DH, he totally switched out his diet - anti-inflammatiry foods all the time/every meal (lots of salmon, garlic, curry, berries, etc), he wakes up 20 min early each day and does RA specific stretches (no longer in PT), exercises daily which seems counterintuitive but really helpful, list goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have my sympathy, OP.

My mother has been chronically ill her whole adult life, with multiple sclerosis. Chronic illness does something to a lot of patients: it makes then self-centered. If they cannot contribute, they start making light of others’ burdens out of self-defense, otherwise in a busy household they would feel guilty all the time. My father has done everything in the house for many years, was the sole breadwinner as well, and has up til now, at 70 years old, displayed angelic patience. He was rarely appreciated fairly by my mother. Now he is starting to weaken cognitively, losing his filter, and gets upset at her... I feel the next decade isn’t going to be pretty.

It’s SO HARD to get out of that cycle, and it takes humans with a high degree of emotional intelligence to manage the guilt/resentment, especially in periods of stress. I recommend finding a therapist specialized in dealing with chronic diseases, particularly the one your husband has.

Good luck to both of you, and your kids.

That sounds more like dementia and you sound like a pretty mean person. She is not self-centered and you don't really understand it given your post.

Unless you have been married to someone with MS, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I cared for someone with dementia, far worse for many years. I have a chronic illness so yes, I know how it feels. Thank goodness I'm not married to you.

I have both cared for someone with dementia, and been married to someone with MS. I repeat, you have no idea what you are talking about.

DP. Don't bother. You are right, of course, but the poster you are responding to won't listen to reason. I recognize the poster you are talking to. She believes caregivers should be subject to the worst abuses, and it is fine because the abusing spouse is sick. She lashes out at anyone who even remotely suggests that caregiving can be hard for the caregiver, even when the sick spouse is also abusive. I am convinced she is an abusive spouse.

You haven idea what its like to have chronic illness. No one is talking about being abusive but you as you are looking for something not there.

I have a chronic illness myself. You post regularly seeking to justify your abusive or borderline abusive treatment of your spouse because you have a chronic illness. It's wrong and deeply messed up.