How to handle keeping up a relationship with brother, SIL and nephew?

[Anonymous]

Brother and his family live in CA. We see them once a year or maybe 2 times. We just concluded a 3 day trip to their home for nephew's bday. We were invited to attend. We rented a house next to them so that we woudl not crowd them in their own home. They were polite yet distant and aloof the entire time, seemed indifferent to our presence, acted like we were in teh way of their routine (which I mean, we were bc we are out of town visitors?) and were honestly pretty rude. For example, when we arrived at lunch time after flying across the country to see them, did not offer any food for lunch (I also have 5 and 6 year olds), and asked, instead, what our lunch plans were. Or, they weren't even present at the house when we arrived and when they did get there (while we were waiting outside for them in order to get into the house) didn't even really greet us or give us a hug or even a hey! You all came to visit!

Again, we were invited to visit. We did not just descend upon them.

They appear to want to maintain relationships with my family (including my parents) but clearly aren't comfortable/good at hosting. Even when we vacation in a nuetral location in a big vacation house, they are aloof and distant, and really, it is just plain awkward for everyone.

If this describes your interactions, how do you handle it? I want to see them, and they want to see us, esepcially for the sake of the cousins. But, since we cannot just drop by for an hour or so on a weekend due to our living locations, we have to travel somewhere or visit each other, and honestly, it is just excruciating.

[Anonymous]

OK? You handle it by accepting invites to come see them every now and then, understanding that they're not overly warm and welcoming and gracious. You make the most of your trip to CA by planning a few fun activities for your family, understanding that they might not come along.

You invite them to come visit every now and then, but hey, if they don't come, that's fine.

You keep the lines of communication open, but you don't overly invest in a relationship that's not a two-way street. You do invest in friends and family who show they care for you.

You take them as they are, and let go of who you think they should be.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a personal/ individual issue , in other words, they are weird.
Were you and your brother close? Is naturally socially awkward?
Look, I believe in dealing with people as they are. Do not make plans around them.
If you want to go visit them, stay in a hotel and make definite plans to meet them
For specific activities.
Do not expect them to be effusive and “personal”.
Let the cousins FaceTime sometimes.
Call, chit chat and catch up occasionally but do not spend a lot of time trying to figure out why they do what they do which is very different from your own relationship style.

[Anonymous]

I would probably just keep it to seeing them when you vacation in a neutral location as a big family holiday and even then I would keep it every few years. There are so many great places to visit that I wouldn't want to spend all my vacation time feeling uncomfortable. It almost sounds like everyone feels obligated to do this rather than what they really want to do. At least at a neutral place you can choose somewhere interesting to visit with lots of other activities to keep everyone occupied.

It doesn't sound like it was much fun. They invited you so it's perhaps just their personalities but what's the point of doing this vacation if it's excruciating. Holidays are suppose to be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably just keep it to seeing them when you vacation in a neutral location as a big family holiday and even then I would keep it every few years. There are so many great places to visit that I wouldn't want to spend all my vacation time feeling uncomfortable. It almost sounds like everyone feels obligated to do this rather than what they really want to do. At least at a neutral place you can choose somewhere interesting to visit with lots of other activities to keep everyone occupied.

It doesn't sound like it was much fun. They invited you so it's perhaps just their personalities but what's the point of doing this vacation if it's excruciating. Holidays are suppose to be fun.

It was not fun at all. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire time, like I was intruding on their lives, and that they were counting the minutes until the end of the trip. Which I was, too. It was truly awful and not at all how I want to spend my time or money. I 100% get that having guests is stressful, SIL was putting on the 1st bday party for the nephew and therefore was stressed, and that our presence created an added burden. But again, we were invited and encouraged to visit. We didn't even stay in their house, defintiely didn't come to theirs for breakfast, provided our own meals, and/or contributed to dinner costs when it was ordered out. I took the kids to the park multiple times a day or they played outside in the courtyard so as not to bother my brotehr/SIL. When baby was napping, we left the area so that we didn't bother their routine. I mean really, I tried really hard to accomodate their preferences, which is OK, but at the end of the day, it was really awful.

[Anonymous]

You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably just keep it to seeing them when you vacation in a neutral location as a big family holiday and even then I would keep it every few years. There are so many great places to visit that I wouldn't want to spend all my vacation time feeling uncomfortable. It almost sounds like everyone feels obligated to do this rather than what they really want to do. At least at a neutral place you can choose somewhere interesting to visit with lots of other activities to keep everyone occupied.

It doesn't sound like it was much fun. They invited you so it's perhaps just their personalities but what's the point of doing this vacation if it's excruciating. Holidays are suppose to be fun.

It was not fun at all. I felt like I was walking on eggshells the entire time, like I was intruding on their lives, and that they were counting the minutes until the end of the trip. Which I was, too. It was truly awful and not at all how I want to spend my time or money. I 100% get that having guests is stressful, SIL was putting on the 1st bday party for the nephew and therefore was stressed, and that our presence created an added burden. But again, we were invited and encouraged to visit. We didn't even stay in their house, defintiely didn't come to theirs for breakfast, provided our own meals, and/or contributed to dinner costs when it was ordered out. I took the kids to the park multiple times a day or they played outside in the courtyard so as not to bother my brotehr/SIL. When baby was napping, we left the area so that we didn't bother their routine. I mean really, I tried really hard to accomodate their preferences, which is OK, but at the end of the day, it was really awful.

Oh, man. Definitely don’t feel like you need to go again. Would you be into video chat with them? Ours does that with her cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

Op here. Fair enough, but....really? You'd invite family to your kid's bday party and then expect to only see them at the party? If they had to fly across the country? We didn't stay in their home, but yes, I did expect to see them fairly often during the 3 days we were there because...why else would be come all that way?

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to visit them, then don't.

If you want to visit them, but now know they are lacking in certain ways, prepare for that. Understand that you'll largely be doing your own thing.

Consider inviting them to visit you instead of the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

Op here. Fair enough, but....really? You'd invite family to your kid's bday party and then expect to only see them at the party? If they had to fly across the country? We didn't stay in their home, but yes, I did expect to see them fairly often during the 3 days we were there because...why else would be come all that way?

We have family in CA. We visit them when we go there, but I consider that time a vacation and we do touristy things in CA for much of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

Op here. Fair enough, but....really? You'd invite family to your kid's bday party and then expect to only see them at the party? If they had to fly across the country? We didn't stay in their home, but yes, I did expect to see them fairly often during the 3 days we were there because...why else would be come all that way?

Did you ask them if hanging out the other days would work with their schedule? I think you should have assumed that you'd be there for the party and as their schedule allowed, you'd see them.

[Anonymous]

So we just had a first birthday party for my son, and invited my ILs. They came (as we hoped they would) and are staying with us. We invited DH's cousins from out of town (a flight away) as well, but were hoping they wouldnt come. Thankfully they didn't come, but even if they did we would've hosted gracefully in our home.

I say all that to ask - did they REALLY invite you or did they invite you hoping you wouldnt come?

As for your relationship with them - if you and brother were ever close, then it's worth having a heart to heart. If you guys were never close, you should accept that this relationship isn't really working out and you should find close friendships elsewhere. Some of my closest pals growing up were family friends because our actual relatives lived across the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

Op here. Fair enough, but....really? You'd invite family to your kid's bday party and then expect to only see them at the party? If they had to fly across the country? We didn't stay in their home, but yes, I did expect to see them fairly often during the 3 days we were there because...why else would be come all that way?

Did you ask them if hanging out the other days would work with their schedule? I think you should have assumed that you'd be there for the party and as their schedule allowed, you'd see them.

Well, to be honest, no i did not ask them if my coming to visit upon their invitation worked with their schedule. So, yes, I did assume that we would spend the majority of the time with them. Because they invited us. Again, I didn't expect them to entertain us 24/7 or feed us all 3 meals. We did our own thing, but when we were with them, it was just so obvious that we were impeding. I mean, I guess the point here is that some people expect people to fly across the country for a family event and only be around for the 3 hours of that event and then disappear afterwards. That clearly doesn't match with what I think is acceptable, so next time, we will say no to the repeated invitation. I simply cannot conceive of inviting people to buy plane tickets for my child's event and then expecting them to disappear once the candles are blown out. So I suppose our relationship really just won't continue because our ideas of how to interact or visit or maintain teh relationship are just polar opposites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we just had a first birthday party for my son, and invited my ILs. They came (as we hoped they would) and are staying with us. We invited DH's cousins from out of town (a flight away) as well, but were hoping they wouldnt come. Thankfully they didn't come, but even if they did we would've hosted gracefully in our home.

I say all that to ask - did they REALLY invite you or did they invite you hoping you wouldnt come?

As for your relationship with them - if you and brother were ever close, then it's worth having a heart to heart. If you guys were never close, you should accept that this relationship isn't really working out and you should find close friendships elsewhere. Some of my closest pals growing up were family friends because our actual relatives lived across the world.

Ok, SIL said to my face - 'you're coming to the bday party in July, right?' This was in January. And then brother emailed me a time or two after that checking.

But, sure I guess I don't know if they really wanted us there.

But I do think if you issue the invite, you accept the resposnbilities of hosting. I'm not sure it is totally my responsibility to analyze their true intent behind the invitation?

[Anonymous]

Sounds really odd. I’d continue most of the visits but try to plan accordingly, knowing now they are.

Are you certain brother/SIL don’t have issues with you? Or your parents?

Do they have warm relationships with other family (her side) and friends etc? Am wondering if this is specific to you and your family, or if they are socially awkward in general, perhaps?

I’m not the best hostess myself- it stresses me out and is not something I’m naturally very good at. I am an introvert and find spending long weekends with family stressful at times. But- I try very hard! Do brother and SIL reach out to you regularly in other ways (send pics, emails, text, ask about your kids etc)?