How to handle keeping up a relationship with brother, SIL and nephew?

[Anonymous]

OP, that’s bizarre. I’d say not to bother visiting them.

[Anonymous]

OP, check out this thread. I’d say flying CA is a little different but it covers the issues:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/813398.page#15285646

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were invited to the birthday, not to their home. Sorry they were not the gracious and welcome hosts you were expecting. But throwing a birthday party and entertaining in laws for 3 days sounds exhausting.

I’m wondering what exactly you were expecting.

Really it’s that exhausting for a 3 year old’s party???
It’s exhausting to be nice????
Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

So they are lazy? Did you parents teach any common manner and hosting? Were your parents good hosts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, SIL said to my face - 'you're coming to the bday party in July, right?' This was in January. And then brother emailed me a time or two after that checking.

Next time I'd take their invitation at face value, as it seems like they were literally inviting you to the birthday party, not for a visit.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bother with visits but perhaps the big family vacations on neutral ground. Just know you should probably plan on mostly doing your own thing. I'd let the kids facetime and that's about it. They were pretty blatantly rude. Certainly it is a visit when someone flies across the country to see family. Your expectations are totally reasonable. I would be upset, too.

[Anonymous]

I would think about who, exactly, invited you, and whether the other spouse only agreed under duress...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would think about who, exactly, invited you, and whether the other spouse only agreed under duress...

But here, again, I think well - ok, yes, I could analyze the nature of the invitation, but hte point stands that the invite was issued. In this case, it was by both parties. But even if it wasn't - am I supposed to ask if an invite is issued if both brother and SIL are issuing it? If it is only coming from one of them? That seems awfully strange to do. I mean - sure, husband invites his mother and sister over with her kids. It isn't an invite I feel the need to make, but they are his family, so of course I'll host them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So they are lazy? Did you parents teach any common manner and hosting? Were your parents good hosts?

Yes, mine were. Preparing meals, asking what to have in teh house in advance, planning activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can tell you that I feel overwhelmed when ILs walk into my house and I can't really describe why. Its kinda like we are here now give us attention. I have found it much easier on my nerves to let DH welcome them and then I come in after they have settled down for 10-15 minutes.

[Anonymous]

^^ BTW, I love when they visit, just feel overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can tell you that I feel overwhelmed when ILs walk into my house and I can't really describe why. Its kinda like we are here now give us attention. I have found it much easier on my nerves to let DH welcome them and then I come in after they have settled down for 10-15 minutes.

But they are there now and they do want attention? I get that that is overwhelming, and I think you've found a nice workaround. But, I don't really fault your ILs for wanting attention? They just came to visit you!

[Anonymous]

Easy: you decide what this relationship is worth to you, and you act graciously without expectation of a return.

My bro and I have had good years and bad years, good visits and bad visits. Now at middle age, we are devoted to eachother and open to the fact that we have nothing in common. It took a continued effort for a lot of time.

And in some years, the cousins got along and in others not. Now that they are entering adulthood, they are friends.

It is all because my bro and I simply kept at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would think about who, exactly, invited you, and whether the other spouse only agreed under duress...

But here, again, I think well - ok, yes, I could analyze the nature of the invitation, but hte point stands that the invite was issued. In this case, it was by both parties. But even if it wasn't - am I supposed to ask if an invite is issued if both brother and SIL are issuing it? If it is only coming from one of them? That seems awfully strange to do. I mean - sure, husband invites his mother and sister over with her kids. It isn't an invite I feel the need to make, but they are his family, so of course I'll host them.

Right. Perhaps they'd just had a fight or something, or they realized after the fact that your coming would stress them out, what with party plans, etc. It's nothing you did wrong, but you'll know for next time to beware of their casual invites...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a perfunctory invitation... Plus, why are they having to check so, so much if you are coming! Two weeks before and they don't know if you are coming to CA? It sounds like you are all socially anxious and went overboard with not intruding.