How to handle keeping up a relationship with brother, SIL and nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfunctory invitation... Plus, why are they having to check so, so much if you are coming! Two weeks before and they don't know if you are coming to CA? It sounds like you are all socially anxious and went overboard with not intruding.

What are you talking about? I never said this.

[Anonymous]

When baby was 6 months they were super excited, blah blah. At one year mom and dad are kind of “meh” as many are at 1yr, has NOTHING to do with you, just bad timing.

Let it go and check in a little later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a perfunctory invitation... Plus, why are they having to check so, so much if you are coming! Two weeks before and they don't know if you are coming to CA? It sounds like you are all socially anxious and went overboard with not intruding.

What are you talking about? I never said this.

Ok, SIL said to my face - 'you're coming to the bday party in Ju.ly, right?' This was in January. And then brother emailed me a time or two after that checking.
Sorry, I misread two, to two weeks! Embarrassing. This happens to me with BIL, in fact happened with a graduation party for his dd to his dad, sister, cousins... He is just so weird. One year DS and I stopped by on our way to a sporting event, and they knew about it, and we were in a hotel, and he said best if you head back early tomorrow. I didn't even stay but for 2 hours that afternoon. Your brother is weird. His wife is weird. I've come to realize that most people are just jerks. Heck, sister of that same BIL, hence my SIL, made it clear that she will not see her brother's MIL during this same visit! She lives with BIL and pays a lot of things, and they were all childhood friends, I am the only outsider, so to say. I wanted to visit her as she was in a hospital and a friend... and SIL said, "I will not go see her, she was not nice to me last time I was here." I didn't even ask her if she will go see her. These are old family friends from 40 years ago. DH's father was the same, he decided he hates bunch of people who were nice to him after MIL passed away. He took offense to that!

[Anonymous]

Did your brother and SIL know you were staying at the house next door to them? How long before the trip did the know?

FWIW, I think their attitude was odd. When you invite people, you plan to host. Were there any other family members attending (grandparents etc)? Were they treating them the same way?

Just thinking off the top of my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your brother and SIL know you were staying at the house next door to them? How long before the trip did the know?

FWIW, I think their attitude was odd. When you invite people, you plan to host. Were there any other family members attending (grandparents etc)? Were they treating them the same way?

Just thinking off the top of my head.

Yes, they knew months in advance. they organized the renting of the other house for us. We paid them for it, of course.

Yes, my parents came too. So it was 5 of us - our parents, me, and my 5 and 6 year olds. They were treated the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like was an obligatory invite and they were hoping you wouldn't come. This happened to us last summer - we were invited, they followed up multiple times asking if we were coming, etc.

Once we actually arrived, it seemed that they were resentful of having to spend any time with us whatsoever. We, too, made our own housing arrangements (hotel). We did not insist on time together. We fed and entertained ourselves as we knew they were busy with the party activities. We asked well in advance and again upon arrival how we could help. Etc.

I think they invited us but were hoping we'd say no. Then they were following up to firm up the guest list, out of politeness rather than a genuine desire to see us attend. I refuse to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can tell you that I feel overwhelmed when ILs walk into my house and I can't really describe why. Its kinda like we are here now give us attention. I have found it much easier on my nerves to let DH welcome them and then I come in after they have settled down for 10-15 minutes.

I agree. I try to be nice and gracious but I'm overwhelmed and stressed out the second my inlaws come. I can't calm down. Honestly I probably just need a xanax. They aren't bad people and I've tried for nearly a decade. I no longer want to plan kid birthday parties for this reason, but it's the only thing my kids want for their birthdays.

I do like when my SIL comes a lot more than when MIL/FIL come. I'm sure if DH discussed things with his parents I'd feel less stress, but that's never happened even after lots of prior discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can tell you that I feel overwhelmed when ILs walk into my house and I can't really describe why. Its kinda like we are here now give us attention. I have found it much easier on my nerves to let DH welcome them and then I come in after they have settled down for 10-15 minutes.

I agree. I try to be nice and gracious but I'm overwhelmed and stressed out the second my inlaws come. I can't calm down. Honestly I probably just need a xanax. They aren't bad people and I've tried for nearly a decade. I no longer want to plan kid birthday parties for this reason, but it's the only thing my kids want for their birthdays.

I do like when my SIL comes a lot more than when MIL/FIL come. I'm sure if DH discussed things with his parents I'd feel less stress, but that's never happened even after lots of prior discussions.

Oh, and in terms of keeping up a relationship? We text occasionally, we send holiday and birthday cards and gifts for the kids, we tell them they are welcome to visit any time (and we actually mean it). That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like was an obligatory invite and they were hoping you wouldn't come. This happened to us last summer - we were invited, they followed up multiple times asking if we were coming, etc.

Once we actually arrived, it seemed that they were resentful of having to spend any time with us whatsoever. We, too, made our own housing arrangements (hotel). We did not insist on time together. We fed and entertained ourselves as we knew they were busy with the party activities. We asked well in advance and again upon arrival how we could help. Etc.

I think they invited us but were hoping we'd say no. Then they were following up to firm up the guest list, out of politeness rather than a genuine desire to see us attend. I refuse to go back.

Sadly, pp's experience sounds like yours. Next time, don't give them this effort, since they clearly don't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

They probably didn’t expect you to fly across the country for a birthday party. It was an invite that a person with the relationship you describe yourself as having would politely decline. You are not close- they didn’t think you’d really come. There is not really anything you can do to make them want to have a close relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

I live in California. I had two doctors appointments this morning and a full day of work. I am terrible at hosting.

So if you showed up in the middle of the day I'd figure between being adults, Google, Uber Eats, etc., that you could figure out lunch yourself.

[Anonymous]

Could be a number of things. But I remember at least one other family with similar story as yours: bil/sil invite them to a kid's birthday party; op drive down 6 hours only to find the host acting put out. The moral of the story is, never make a long distance trip for a kid's birthday.

But back to your brother/sil. It could be that they're just inept/awkward hosts. Or they're undergoing some stressful times with the demand of the baby, sleep, etc. Or they may very well wanted you there when they issued the invite and later changed their minds.

How's your relationship with them outside of this incident? My brother doesn't do hugs, greetings and all that, and when we visit he's on his phone a lot. But we have a lot of affection for each other. I might get irritated with his behavior at times, but I never question his love for me.

[Anonymous]

To fly to CA just for a 3 year old birthday party- for 3 days only— seems nuts unless you are already close. I might consider it if I could turn it into a vacation. Or it was a milestone event, like a bar mitzvah, first communion etc.

I wouldn’t worry about this bc I assume it won’t happen again (meaning you won’t be flying out to Ca for a minor event).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in California. I had two doctors appointments this morning and a full day of work. I am terrible at hosting.

So if you showed up in the middle of the day I'd figure between being adults, Google, Uber Eats, etc., that you could figure out lunch yourself.

Don't INVITE people, then, and that's fine.

But if you INVITE people, and then act like it's a chore to have them there ***when they have paid thousands and traveled for 6+ hours to see you, at your request*** you are a complete piece of shit if you can't slightly alter your schedule/provide one or two meals to be welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Who cares if they didn't expect her to fly? She was there, be gracious a out it. If you don't want her there, then tell her so. Man up people.