Reply to Father w/Alzheimer's & Driving

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[quote=Anonymous]First off, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and that your dad has been diagnosed with such a heartbreaking disease.  I've been in your shoes.  My died passed away last year from a different form of dementia, but the years leading up to his death were filled with lots of these awful scenarios where we had to reassess his health and his independence and make changes to keep him (and others safe).

The first major issue that I can recall was taking away his driver's license.  Like you, we had suspected for a while that he had dementia and that driving probably wasn't a good idea.  He was never the best driver, but his skills were noticeably declined and I would never ride with him driving nor allow him to drive my kids.  But I think we all were in denial about how his dementia would affect his life, especially my mom.  After a very dangerous driving incident, my siblings and I stepped in and refused to keep our heads in the sand.  My mom continued to be in denial about my dad's condition for a long time after that, but it was at that point that we weren't going to let her make decisions (or fail to make decisions) that put him in harm's way.  When driving is concerned, clearly many others could be harmed by an incapacitated driver.  I'm not sure if you have siblings, but at the very least, you and your husband need to have a real talk with your mom about your dad's safety.  Check with your state about whether they can require a new driving test (some can based on age, etc.).  I would also loop in the neurologist as I highly doubt they would sign off on your dad continuing to drive.  Be sympathetic, but firm with your mom about the new phase that your dad is heading into and that you want what's best for everyone, with safety being a top priority.  We had that type of talk with my mom and then my sibling sat down with my dad and had a one-on-one about driving.  I think a one-on-one with you would be best following your talk with your mom.  My sibling was able to take my dad's license away and it stuck - he never drove again, and we were so thankful that we got through to them both.  It was definitely sad to acknowledge that step down in his independence and life, but it was a relief knowing that we could keep him and others safe in that regard going forward.

There were many other battles that we had to engage in over the next few years, but that was the wake up call situation for all of us kids.  We knew that my mom needed some really hands-on support and some tough love to make big decisions and that we'd have to be more involved moving forward to keep a check on his health related issues.  I would suggest checking out the resources on the Alzheimer's Association website - www.alz.org.  My mom was always reluctant to join a support group, but you should certainly suggest that for your mom.  It might help her feel more supported knowing that so many other spouses/partners are going through this unexpected shift into the caretaker role.  It's heartbreaking, but always better to know you're not alone in this and there are others who have gone through this before you.  I wish you the best as you navigate this hard road ahead.  [/quote]

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