Dealing with Parental Anxiety

[Anonymous]

I was wondering if someone could give me some advice on how to become a less anxious mom, as the worrying is making me exhausted. A bit of background. I have two girls 20 months apart. My eldest is 4 and a half and my youngest is almost 3.
My eldest was born with a congenital defect that made it difficult for her to breathe and eat and needed surgery to correct the defect at 2.5 months. The time leading up to the surgery was difficult to say the least because I had to watch her every breath to make sure she was breathing. She continued having some breathing issues related to the sect until she was around 1 and now is doing well. My second had severe reflux as a baby - we tried both zantac and omerprazole and in the end we’re able to get it under control with a high dose of both when she was 5 months. Leading up to that time she would be crying 24/7 and would sometimes refuse to drink milk. I think I suffered from post party anxiety with both girls... With my first the anxiety hit AFTER the surgery and when she had gotten better. My OB said it was probably post traumatic stress disorder saying that looking after my daughter pre surgery was so difficult that I didn’t have time to process my feelings. When she finally got better I went from survival mode to finally focusing on how I had felt over the entire thing. My anxiety subsided at around 6 moms post partum with both kids just as they started to sleep through the night.

Fast forward to today. I have to amazing girls. They are a delight and are enjoying preschool. People always come to me for advice. They seem to think I’ve got it together and always are amazed at how calm I am and how relaxed I am around my kids. I find this funny since internally I am still an anxious parent: I just am able to project calm. But those who know me really well such as my sister, husband and best friend know how anxious I can get. For example my eldest has chronic constipation and although it is a manageable problem and we have a great GI it causes me anxiety and I am worried that she will be dealing with this forever. The clean outs we have to go through stress me out and so does managing the clean outs. She also has asthma and needs glasses but for some reason those issues (maybe cuz I can control them more?) don’t stress me out as much. Youngest has constipation issues as well though not as bad as the eldest. Overall they are doing well and according to my eldest’s GI her problems are manageable and will improve with treatment. They are happy loving girls. They are surrounded by family, have friends, love playing and running and doing the things that kids their age love doing. I’m not sure why I can’t just deal with their health problems as health problems and look at the big picture. My brain tells me to do that but it’s hard to change how I’m feeling. I have been trying to focus on myself: I'm seeing a physical therapist for my post partum back issues. I’m working out. Just got a haircut Trying to read more fiction (I love reading in general and it calms me). Anyways I just wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. These are first world problems definitely and I do realize how lucky I am.

[Anonymous]

You've been through the ringer, OP.

Try cognitive behavioral therapy--that helps you retrain your brain to think about things differently.

And don't be afraid to try meds if warranted--it's shocking the difference they can make.

[Anonymous]

I empathize! Unlike you, though, I had a pretty easy go of it for the first few years of motherhood. Then my sweet 9-year-old son had a sudden onset of OCD symptoms, which threw us all for a loop. It was kind of terrifying to witness. He was diagnosed with OCD, got the proper therapy, and is doing well now. But I can't seem to relax. I guess my brain is still in survival mode, and now I'm starting to have physical symptoms.

What does really help is intense exercise. You're working out, so that's great! I should probably see the same CBT therapist my son did but I just don't have the time or, really, the money. But have you considered that? Your health matters too!

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs. Has anyone tried CBT and can recommend someone? My issue is that I need (a) time and (b) money. I’m already spending money on Physical Therapy and a personal trainer (after a year of working out with worsening back issues I decided to splurge and get a trainer who can give me specific exercises that won’t make my problems worse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs. Has anyone tried CBT and can recommend someone? My issue is that I need (a) time and (b) money. I’m already spending money on Physical Therapy and a personal trainer (after a year of working out with worsening back issues I decided to splurge and get a trainer who can give me specific exercises that won’t make my problems worse).

Where do you live? I've found that the best way to make therapy doable is to have it located conveniently to your house or job. If you're on or near the Hill, I can recommend Washington Anxiety Center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PPs. Has anyone tried CBT and can recommend someone? My issue is that I need (a) time and (b) money. I’m already spending money on Physical Therapy and a personal trainer (after a year of working out with worsening back issues I decided to splurge and get a trainer who can give me specific exercises that won’t make my problems worse).

Where do you live? I've found that the best way to make therapy doable is to have it located conveniently to your house or job. If you're on or near the Hill, I can recommend Washington Anxiety Center.

Thanks.. falls church city and DC next to Farragut west.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I get it. I haven't dealt with a fraction of what you have, but one of our kids had a rare reaction to a virus that involved extensive monitoring and so I understand the state of heightened vigilance it puts you in. Also when you're afraid that your child might die (as with your first baby) it's very hard. I'm sorry you have been through so much.

Re: anxiety, not sure if this will be relevant to you, but a lot of what came up for me is understanding that I feel responsible for things outside my control. There is no easy path through these situations, but once I tried to do all the practical things I could to assist in healing/good health and think positive thoughts about the possible outcome, it was a little more bearable. Try to set some time aside for yourself to take care of yourself and dig down deeper to see what this might be bringing up for you -- feelings of inadequacy, guilt, etc. These situations can be really hard on the caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, I get it. I haven't dealt with a fraction of what you have, but one of our kids had a rare reaction to a virus that involved extensive monitoring and so I understand the state of heightened vigilance it puts you in. Also when you're afraid that your child might die (as with your first baby) it's very hard. I'm sorry you have been through so much.

Re: anxiety, not sure if this will be relevant to you, but a lot of what came up for me is understanding that I feel responsible for things outside my control. There is no easy path through these situations, but once I tried to do all the practical things I could to assist in healing/good health and think positive thoughts about the possible outcome, it was a little more bearable. Try to set some time aside for yourself to take care of yourself and dig down deeper to see what this might be bringing up for you -- feelings of inadequacy, guilt, etc. These situations can be really hard on the caregiver.

Thank you! This is so helpful!

[Anonymous]

Therapy. I see someone at Virginia Family Counseling who is helping me process the trauma I went through when my son was born, and the years that followed (abusive ex, custody battles, etc). I also take a VERY low dose of zoloft and it makes things manageable while I treat it with therapy too.