Food and todder - parents disagree - who's right?

[Anonymous]

Want to help settle this for me?

The kid: just turned two, more agreeable/easy-going than average (according to other parents) but still definitely two. She is 85th percentile for height and weight, and perfectly proportional. She's never been an easy eater-- maybe a 6 on the pickiness scale, 1 being indiscrimiate omnivores and 10 being a kid who would rather starve than eat anything but one specific brand of mac&cheese.

The table:
I had hoped to get her to sit at the table during meals, at least for 10 minutes or so.
Dad lets her run around freely, sometimes coming to the table for bites, sometimes following her into the other room to pop a bite in her mouth.

The food options:
I want her to eat more or less what we're eating. I offer several choices, always including something I know she will eat, and always offering the meal that we're eating. If she does not eat what is offered, that's that.
Dad thinks that if she does not touch these options, she should be offered bread and/or cheese, which she will almost always eat.
Actual conversation: Me: "You want her to fill up on bread?" Him: "I want her to fill up on something!" He doesn't think that we should jump up to cook plain noodles on demand, but that she should be given something simple if the meal doesn't tempt her.

What is an approprite level of control here? He thinks she's too young to grasp my rules (sit at the table, the meal is the meal) and should be allowed to free-range during meals. I think we need to start now, because it's easier to instill good habits (even with some initial fussing) than it is to break bad ones.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

YOU have a better understanding of your child's overall needs. What time does your husband arrive home? Your child should be seated in a highchair and not be running around during mealtime. Clearly we all know that eating on-the-go is a bad idea, and leads to problems. Lifelong habits are being formed now.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I could have written this post...it sounds just like the kind of arguments my husbands and I have! our 2 1/2 year old dd does sit at the table for about 15 minutes and the rule is that she does have to eat some af the food I have made..I have found that on the days she is busy playing with stuff or does not seem to like the food, I tell her that she must eat 5 scoops of food and then I will load the fork and feed her while also counting with my hand to show her how many scoops she has left. I think 5 is managable for her and she likes when she can see on my hand how many more she has left. I am a big believer in "you have to eat what's on the table and if you don't then you will have to go to bed hungry", howvere, my husband will often give her a bagel at a later time of run out and get her something else. I agree with you that is is important to teach them good table manners at an early age and a two year old should be able to sit at the table for 10-15 minutes during a meal.

[Anonymous]

For a 2 year old, I agree with dad here. The rules you have mentioned I am now instituting with my 3 year old; prior to that, I don't think she had the verbal ability or the impulse control to sit still long enough to eat. As for what she should eat, my dd is very thin and a very picky eater, so I was reluctant not to let her eat something (usually yogurt for her). But for a kid with better weight gain, I might insist on eating what we eat, as long as the meal was things that I think she would like.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain OP. My almost three year old it the same way. He is not so much picky as just too darn busy to eat. I swear sometime he doesn't eat because he can't stop talking long enough for something to go in his mouth. (If he eats, I generally don't get too many complaints, he ate Kale and bean soup with red peppers and tomatoes last night).

But, the getting up and running around, the wiggling, the absentmindedly banging the fork on the table, the need to go potty 5 minutes into the meal. Infuriating!!!

He is 3rd percentile for weight -- looks like a refugee from a famine -- so I engage in the same bad behavior your husband does. But, boy would I like to figure out a way to stop it.

If your kid is not super skinny. I'd try really hard to stick to your guns and not feed on the run. But, I think at this stage the most important thing is not to let eating become an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a 2 year old, I agree with dad here. The rules you have mentioned I am now instituting with my 3 year old; prior to that, I don't think she had the verbal ability or the impulse control to sit still long enough to eat. As for what she should eat, my dd is very thin and a very picky eater, so I was reluctant not to let her eat something (usually yogurt for her). But for a kid with better weight gain, I might insist on eating what we eat, as long as the meal was things that I think she would like.

I disagree. I don't beileve 2 is too early to sit still to eat dinner for 15 minutes. When DS was 2, he sat at meals with us, whether it was at home or at a restaurant. He is now 3 and still sits still for meals. I think if you wait until 3 it will be harder to get him or her to sit still because they are not used to it. If it is instilled in them as a habit, it won't be a problem.

As for the food issue, I agree that you should not make separate meals. I think you are doing well by feeding her what you are eating and including something you know she likes. If you start giving in to her demands for plain noodles now it will never stop!

I am fortunate because DH is in complete agreement on these issues.

[Anonymous]

I think you are right on target with this given how you describe your child. My just turned 2 year old is also somewhat picky. And, she doesn't eat that much, but stays at the 5th percentile for weight so no one is concerned about this. We require her to sit at the table for awhile with us, but not necessarily the whole meal - Lord knows that would never work because her older brothers are the slowest eaters in the world and even I can't sit at the table as long as they take to eat. We make one meal, also including things we know the kids will eat. If she chooses not to eat, fine. But, we don't offer alternatives and we NEVER chase her around to get her to eat. If she is hungry later in the evening, she can have a snack. Where I do give her leeway is that she has her own seat and she can either sit or kneel and I am not hard on her if she uses her fingers instead of a utensil.

If your child was small and not gaining weight or if she had some health problems, I would think about this in a different way.

[Anonymous]

You are 100% right and he is wrong. Does he want a three or four year old who runs around during meals and you have to chase down to put food in her mouth? Reminds me of that dinner scene in the Melissa Gilbert Helen Keller movie

You start teaching them NOW.

[Anonymous]

Ten minutes at the table and eat something that the parents prepared seems fine.

Can you split the difference? Child must sit at the table for 10 minutes, but you always serve (whole grain!) bread with dinner, so she can eat only that if she's so inclined?

Big screaming NO to chasing the child around with food. Your husband is making it into a big deal, and she will work you on that.

[Anonymous]

DD is almost 2 and has been pretty good at sitting at the table for meals. Even so, she has her moments and we tended to think it's just typical of the age.

Then we happened to stop by day care during lunch time. She and all of her little friends (16-26 months) were squarely in their seats, eating happily and not the least bit restless. The teachers said they're always like that for snacks and lunch -- they know the rules about sitting at the table and trying/eating the food they're given without substitutions. It was so civilized and sweet, and the kids were chowing down.

Yes, it's normal for kids this age to be restless at the table quicker than adults. But I took the daycare scene as a reminder that some of it is setting expectations and putting an end to eating on the run.

[Anonymous]

No one is right or wrong. You both simply have different approaches. I don't think it makes a difference which one you go with as neither is bad. And FWIW at your kids age I would tend to agree with your husband about just making sure she gets something to eat. My daughter sat at the table for us, but never for the sitter. Made no difference as to how she is now at 5.

[Anonymous]

Your approach is the better one for the long term, even if she were on the light side. She'll eat if she's hungry and she won't eat if she's not. But she needs to only be given food at regular meal and snack times. Basically, don't make mealtime a battle. You put out the food, she comes to the table and either eats it or she doesn't. End of story.

If DH won't come around to your point of view alone, read Ellyn Satter's book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and good sense. It's pretty much the approach you're using. (She also says to put dessert on the table with dinner and let the child eat that first if she wants to, but I tossed out that idea! If you always have applesauce or fruit for dessert, maybe it would work. We don't always have dessert and sometimes when we do, it is downright junk. Everything in moderation.)

[Anonymous]

I think all kids are different. My friends have kids who will sit quietly at the table. Not us. We moved our son from a high chair to his own little table and chairs (right next to our table, so we still eat together) when he was a year and a half, for precisely the reason that he gets bored and MESSY. It doesn't completely prevent him from playing with food, but at least he can get up and announce when he's done (and play while we continue our meal in peace). Occasionally he will keep snacking on what's in his dish, and rarely will he ask for snacks after dinner. Of course, if he didn't eat much dinner at all and is raiding the cabinets because he's hungry, I'd rather give him a snack before bedtime than be woken up at 5am because he's hungry. I think it's ok as long as there's a lot of time (at least a half hour) between the end of dinner and bedtime snack, so they don't associate skipping the meal with food later.
So I'd say a happy medium - yes the child should get used to sitting down together for a meal, but once they lose interest in dinner, let them run free and be a kid until they are old enough to tolerate sitting still for longer. As far as the different foods, we'll occasionally offer a more child-friendly option or side dish IF the meal is kid-inedible (meaning, too spicy...like jambalaya), but it's certainly a rare occasion that we'll offer him other options during our meal.
We also rarely make a big deal out of how much our son eats - sometimes we have to remind him to keep eating (he gets distracted and starts playing with his food), but we don't bribe or make him sit there until he's eaten 'enough'. He's in the 25th percentile for weight - always has been - and eats a LOT throughout the rest of the day since of course his breakfast, lunch, and snacks are all foods that he gobbles up. So just a few bites of dinner = not a big deal in the scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

I agree 100% with 10:36. Your DH has set an extremely low standard for your 2 year old. Chasing the kid around spooning food in her mouth teaches her this is a game and she gets lots of attention doing this. We used to strap our kids into their booster chair at that age and made them sit at least 10 minutes. We also made them try everything on their plate. I also agree with the poster who said to serve whole wheat bread with every meal.

[Anonymous]

You are right about the food, but dad's right about not making her sit still at the table. A typical 2 1/2 year old does not have the ability to sit still at a table for very long, and I think to force her to do that is not a good idea. But I think you're right that you should offer only what you're eating. She will quickly get the picture that she needs to eat what you're offering because no other options will be provided. Obviously if several days go by and she's still not eating what you're offered you need to soften that stance, but it's worth trying for a couple of days.