Food and todder - parents disagree - who's right?

[Anonymous]

YOU ARE RIGHT. DH is totally wrong and is going to start a pattern of behavior that will be awful for you both and anyone else around you during meal time.

Most importantly, no one, regatdless of age, needs to run around during a meal. Secondly, humans will always eat when we are hungry. Your daughter being 85% for both H & W means you have some leeway with her weight anyway. Having a lower weight to height ratio is better from a health perspective although having it identical is fine. But, clearly, she is not close to starving or too thin. You do not want her to eat unhealthily - like only bread. Better to eat nothing. Offer fruits and vegetables and proteins, too. She will eat it when she is hungry. Its a slippery slope and you intuitatively seem to understand that. Your husband needs to read some parenting books. Also, search for the old thread on taking young children to restaurants, that should be an eye-opener for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For a 2 year old, I agree with dad here. The rules you have mentioned I am now instituting with my 3 year old; prior to that, I don't think she had the verbal ability or the impulse control to sit still long enough to eat. As for what she should eat, my dd is very thin and a very picky eater, so I was reluctant not to let her eat something (usually yogurt for her). But for a kid with better weight gain, I might insist on eating what we eat, as long as the meal was things that I think she would like.

I disagree. I don't beileve 2 is too early to sit still to eat dinner for 15 minutes. When DS was 2, he sat at meals with us, whether it was at home or at a restaurant. He is now 3 and still sits still for meals. I think if you wait until 3 it will be harder to get him or her to sit still because they are not used to it. If it is instilled in them as a habit, it won't be a problem.

As for the food issue, I agree that you should not make separate meals. I think you are doing well by feeding her what you are eating and including something you know she likes. If you start giving in to her demands for plain noodles now it will never stop!

I am fortunate because DH is in complete agreement on these issues.

I could have written this reply and agree with what was said. Our DD ALWAYS sat at the table with us either in a seat-belted booster and now at 4 in her chair. She also ONLY was given the one meal I made for dinner. She now knows the rules and doesn't even try to get up to play around. She's been great to take out to eat as well. It's hard if both parents don't agree and I imagine will be a harder habit to break later.

Our DS, only 9m but is still put in his high chair and stays there for the length of dinner even when he is done eating.

I agree with you on this one.

[Anonymous]

I think expecting a 2.5 year old to sit still at the dinner table is too much... But chasing her around the house while she eats is ridiculous. My boys (now 3 and 5), have always been expected to eat at the table. When they get down, they are done. Some nights they sit for 5 minutes and then jump down. Others they sit for 20. And there is still a lot of wiggling and reminding them to sit still. But that is normal for the age. But if you let her run around the house, when and how will she ever learn this?

As for the food, I think you both need to meet in the middle. My older son is an 8 on the pickiness scale. The kid likes mac n' cheese, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, pizza, and peanut butter. All complete JUNK in my mind, and not things I serve very often. Around 2.5, I got to the "eat what you are served" position. Frankly, it didn't work. While he didn't starve, he didn't eat. He'd go to bed hungry and cranky and wake up hungry and cranky and eat 5 bowls of cereal (which thankfully he likes). If you keep giving her bread and cheese, she has no incentive to expand her palatte. So, slowly I came around to the idea that it was in everyone's best interest to bend a bit. I serve hot dogs for dinner more often than I'd like. But there are also nights when I make a meal and I say "sorry bub, that's it". Frequently I put my foot down when I have made a "good" meal (like 3-4 items that are not completely off-putting to my son, e.g., chicken with noodles, broccoli, and peas). On those nights, where I know he'll eat some of it, or its at least not a casserole or something "yucky," I tell him to man up and eat it -- or not. Having been through it... I'm a big fan of making some comprimises here. It avoids food battles, encourages them to expand, and also ensures that they're getting SOMETHING to eat every night. My son will ALWAYS eat apples. So some nights, we all have apples as a side item. That way, if that is all he wants to eat, he'll get something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your approach is the better one for the long term, even if she were on the light side. She'll eat if she's hungry and she won't eat if she's not. But she needs to only be given food at regular meal and snack times. Basically, don't make mealtime a battle. You put out the food, she comes to the table and either eats it or she doesn't. End of story.

If DH won't come around to your point of view alone, read Ellyn Satter's book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and good sense. It's pretty much the approach you're using. (She also says to put dessert on the table with dinner and let the child eat that first if she wants to, but I tossed out that idea! If you always have applesauce or fruit for dessert, maybe it would work. We don't always have dessert and sometimes when we do, it is downright junk. Everything in moderation.)

I LOVE this book. Another one to consider is My Two Year Old Eats Octopus. It's all about food/meals with kids, and the author is local.

[Anonymous]

Read "child of mine" by Ellen Satter

photo copy the page of guidlines and put it on the fridge so DH can see it each day as well

You are right about chasing her around trying to get her to eat, that is not helping. In the book it says it is the parent's job to provide nutritious meals and snacks, it is the child's job to say how much and what they will eat. She does recommend giving a slice of bread at dinner though so they have something to eat if they don't like what is for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Is a 2 year old capable of sitting for 15 min at a meal? Yes.

Is it possible to expect a 2 yr old to eat the same (appropriate) meals as the family? Yes.

Whether you choose to enforce these things is up to you. Our family does enforce these things and mealtime is rather peaceful given the expectations. I just make sure to have one part of the meal something I know DC will enjoy (a certain veggie, 1 slice of bread, or such)

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings about sitting at the table are correct. 10 minutes is no big deal to me. But I think you cannot be too rigid about eating what's at the table.

[Anonymous]

She is not too young. My baby has been at the table since she started sitting - I got a high chair that straps into a regular chair. She is two now. She knows that if she drops her spoon on purpose the spoon goes bye-bye. She knows she is not allowed to throw food. She knows she can't eat until I wash her hands. She is offered what we eat and now eats steak, calamari, shrimp, salmon, fried spinach and lamb kabobs, as a few examples. She ate Lox on Thanksgiving. And sometimes she won’t eat simple chicken but only grapes and cheese. All three are on her plate so that’s fine.

You start teaching rules - gently at first- until they are able to understand and comply. I don't penalize the kid for accidentally dropping her spoon. But when she throws it on the floor on purpose, game over. Two year olds understand an amazing amount of what we say to them and can follow quite complicated directions and rules. My 2 YO is in a preschool class and all the teachers have to do is say, "no, you can't take that toy, Johnny is playing with it" and the child puts it back, lets go, whatever.

Not to be snarky, just my experience talking on this next point: You don’t say if you SAH or WOH. I am betting your child does not go to preschool because if she did they would have already trained her to sit down for 10 – 15 minutes for a meal.

And you are not being overly rigid because you provide her with food options, always including something she will eat. Also, if my child doesn’t eat well and wants a banana before bed, I allow that – to a 2 YO dinner seems hours away at that point. Also, start teaching her now that there is no need to whine about what is on your plate. If you don’t want it, don’t eat it. No need to complain about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read "child of mine" by Ellen Satter

photo copy the page of guidlines and put it on the fridge so DH can see it each day as well

You are right about chasing her around trying to get her to eat, that is not helping. In the book it says it is the parent's job to provide nutritious meals and snacks, it is the child's job to say how much and what they will eat. She does recommend giving a slice of bread at dinner though so they have something to eat if they don't like what is for dinner.

Ditto this!

[Anonymous]

Why don't you both read "How to get your child to eat but not too much" by Ellyn Satter. Don't focus on who is right and who is wrong, just follow her direction.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the mom's ideas, but the child might not be ready yet to sit still for very long. I'd make her eat a few bites at the table. If she's hungry later, give her a snack. I know if our DD (almost 3) doesn't eat enough before bedtime she will either not go down easily or wake up really early saying she's hungry. I don't think you should make her a separate meal, she needs to learn to eat what you cook. I found that if my daughter ate a few bites (but not really enough) she'd then go play, if she got hungry 30-60min. later I'd tell her she had to eat her dinner (so we'd heat it up) and usually she'd eat it, then she could have a snack or dessert. She's learning now, if you don't eat dinner, then you don't get dessert, etc. later.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm reading all of these posts and wondering if I'm overly laid back in this area. My DS (4.5) always sits for the duration of his meal--always has. I never have to ask him to sit down and eat, and when he's done, he leaves the table. My DD (just turned 3), on the other hand, is a much more active child--she has ants in her pants. She's also a "grazer", and likes to eat a little bit, go play, and return for the rest. I only let her eat her food at the table, but if she wants to get up for a few moments, then return to the table to eat some more, I let it be. That being said, we live in an apartment where her table is right next to her toy box. So that adds an extra challenge. I will say that when we go out to eat (at least once a week) both kids understand what is expected of them and even my DD sits in her seat the whole meal.

[Anonymous]

I think that everyone is right but you also have to do what is right for you and your family and a 2 year old is not always the most easy going, even the ones that are can be moody.
Our situation:
2.5 year old boy who eats 80% of the food I make (but I dont make things I know he absolutely wont eat unless I have something as back up for him).
I have to strap him in the high chair for him to eat. There are days that my husband gets home early and he gets distracted and wants to hang out with dad down in the basement, so I bring the food down and chase after him like your hubby does (THIS DRIVES ME INSANE) but it is not the norm. I do it bc I want him to eat and am obsessed about it.
If he is in his high chair and refuses to eat, I let him go - and try again in an hour (sometimes they just arent that hungry) and most of the time he will eat later. The few times he does not sincerely like what I made and has tried a few bites and still refuses, I will make him a pbjelly sandwich or give him a cheese sandwich.
Feeding a toddler can be frustrating so you have to sometimes just go with the flow while still enforcing good table habits (ie. eating at the table, eating what is served, etc).

[Anonymous]

I also make my kids ask to be excused from the table (2 is too young for this). Anyone else do this or think it's passe?

[Anonymous]

My kids (4 and 6) must ask to be excused--it's so ingrained that they call out even if I've left them to finish a snack alone at the table.