Food and todder - parents disagree - who's right?

[Anonymous]

We make our kids ask to be excused. They are 3.5 and 5. They told us that they do it at preschool, so we started doing it for consistency. We usually excuse the kids once they've eaten their entree and if the adults haven't finished their entrees. We let them go play or do whatever they want. When we are done eating (or when we feel like getting up), we call them back to the table to eat the fruit course. We serve fruit after every dinner. After fruit, they get a small dessert (usually a popsicle or a little piece of candy). Again, 2.5 may be too young for this, but we were doing this last year when the kids were 2.5 and 4. That said, we had the 4 yo to act as a roll model for the 2.5 year old, which makes a big difference.

[Anonymous]

You're right.

[Anonymous]

Our son just turned 2 and always sits strapped to his booster chair. We feed him what we eat, but I also have string cheese as my stealth weapon that I dole out to him if he starts to refuse to eat. I also have shredded cheddar cheese that he is allowed to sprinkle on his food-he sprinkles it on everything, including pancakes and sweet stuff!

And, I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but it works for us: he normally fusses about getting in his chair, so we let him bring some toys to the table. Right now, his big thing is a toy dumptruck that he likes to put lemons and limes in. It keeps him occupied while eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then we happened to stop by day care during lunch time. She and all of her little friends (16-26 months) were squarely in their seats, eating happily and not the least bit restless. The teachers said they're always like that for snacks and lunch -- they know the rules about sitting at the table and trying/eating the food they're given without substitutions. It was so civilized and sweet, and the kids were chowing down.
.

Daycare was an inspiration for me too... in that my DD WILL eat something from all food groups and WILL sit still for a meal... just not always with me. Actually, my DD (who is 2) will usually sit for almost the entire meal. My problem is pickiness. Like you, I prepare one meal for all of us, which includes at least one or two items I know she likes. The problem is that she will eat an entire meal of rice, if given the chance. Like your husband, my husband will continue to load her up on the item she likes. I recently instituted a "two serving rule." Secretly, this rule does not apply to vegetables, but then again, she hasn't noticed.

Anyway, that's a long way of saying that while I don't have any solutions, I think you are on the right track-- that your DD can be expected to sit for a little while and she will be just fine if she chooses to only have a few bites.

[Anonymous]

A two year old is a bit little, but there are certainly rules to implement that EVERY child can follow.

I agree that a second meal SHOULD not be served (unless you are serving some kind of WILD dish you know DC won't touch).

I also think that in the next couple of months, the child should not be permitted to run amok (only b/c this bhvr is not self-correcting with development). Something to consider, children this age are NOT very hungry and dinner is often their worst meal of the day, so they WILL eat of they are hungry and then run amok when done. So, you eat and when DC runs around, meal over. Plate into kicthen. Next meal breakfast. You DC is clearly not starving and has no medical issues, so do not worry. DC will cry b/c of change in routine, and there is nothing to be angry about, so just do everything matter of fact.

Your DH sounds like he is avoiding conflict and a nice guy, but this WILL not be easier at 3.

GOOD LUCK.

[Anonymous]

Maybe we are lucky or maybe it is daycare, but our DS always sits at the tabel to eat. He is 23 months and for the most part, happily sits to eat for 15 minutes or so. Sometimes he does not want to go in the chair and lately says he wants to play. At which point, I tell him that he can play when he is done with dinner or let him put a toy or stuffed animal on the table next to him. He is not extremely picky about food, so we try to serve him what we are eating. But there are cases where we will offer cheese or some other item if we know what we are eating is not his favorite. Also, sometimes we offer fruit first because we know he likes it and that can prime his palette to taste other items, especially if he is over-hungry.

All in all, I do not think it is a good idea to encourage eating while on the go. Sitting in a chair during meals should be a requirement, IMO. If the child only wants to sit and not eat, then you can give a toy, etc. And it seems like offering a slice of bread or something you know she likes along with the other food makes sense at this age as long as you are not cooking a whole separate meal.

With our son, if he does not eat much as dinner, we justify it with the fact that he is going to have milk at bedtime anyway.

[Anonymous]

I read recently that you can expect a child to sit for a meal for 3 minutes for each year of age - thus, a 2 year old can reasonably be expected to sit at the table for 6 minutes. My own 2 year old sits longer in her old high chair than in her Tripp Trapp (unstrapped), and usually will stay at the table for 10 minutes or so.

All my kids eat what we eat, but I am lucky that they are not picky eaters. But I took an early childhood development class a few years ago where this was discussed. They recommended always offering the child your food, but having something to feed them, too, that you know they will eat, such as fruit or bread or cheese sticks. The one thing you don't want to do is to get into a battle with a toddler over their eating. Eating is one thing that the child controls, and they will always win that battle.

[Anonymous]

Okay, fwiw, I think sometimes it's easy to feel bad reading posts like this one if you have a child that won't sit still for meals and someone else writes in that their child always sits still - I think too often the moms with the "sitter" pat themselves on the back for their parenting prowess.

The thing is - kids are soooo different. I have a 4 year old who is a picky eater, but he is also a slow eater and very good about sitting through mealtimes. He's also always been great in restaurants. Now I have an almost two year old who is just the opposite - eats what she will eat in 2-3 minutes and that's it, meal over.

Same thing with pickiness -- I was so smug pre-kids - I would NEVER have a picky eater. I have never been picky and did all the "right" stuff - ate a range of foods while pregnant, while breasfeeding, made baby food and all of these fancy first purees, have always introduced a variety of healthy homemade foods. End result - two picky kids. I seriously think it is just their preference. That's not to say I think my efforts are totally in vain - I keep trying and I hope that eventually in their lives they'll have an understanding of good food choices and make good, varied choices, but it can be frustrating.

So, for OP, mostly I think you are right. I think your DH is way off in chasing after your DD with food - I could understand the temptation if she was underweight (my DS is so we have a harder time figuring out the right way to go on things like this but we would not even chase him to get him to take a bite). With respect to the "this is what we're having issue" - eh, I think you could go either way...whole grain bread and cheese are healthy foods so if she prefers that to what you're eating I don't think it's the end of the world. I think the real issue is not being a short order cook.

For my 4 year old DS who is underweight, we usually go with the "this is dinner" stance but we have a before bed snack that's a little hearty if he didn't eat much - e.g. yogurt, whole grain crackers and banana.

[Anonymous]

I completely agree with you. Children should not get used to having bread and cheese as a fallback.
You have the right idea!
Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

We have a sitter, but I totally get different kids, different habits.

That said, I don't think 2 is too young to ask to be excused. Our DD is not quite 2, and she's extremely good about saying please and thank you, and decent on the excuse me (needs more prompting there.) Some of it is temperament / verbal ability, but some of it is parenting. DH was insistent on the manners (please and thank yous) and very consistent in making her say it, and I have to give him credit - it worked.

[Anonymous]

Neither of you is right. There is no one right answer. It depends on the parents and on the child.

But, you are both wrong in that you are disagreeing and sending mixed signals to your child. You need to find a compromise.

Me personally, I'd be worried about safety with a child eating and moving around, so I would at least enforce a "you have to chew and swallow" before you take off running rule. I do have my son sit, but he's never really fought it.

As far as eat what is served or offer options, can you compromise on that? Is your concern the options your DH is giving? Would you feel better about healthier alternatives or limited alternatives. Or maybe a "so many bites" rule before other food is allowed? Or she can only have say.....half a piece of bread and no more? Find some middle ground you can both live with.

Me, personally, I don't believe the "eat what is on the table only" rule is good for my family. I remember vividly being forced to eat food I didn't like - or didn't think I liked - and I hated that food for YEARS because I was forced to eat it. I also enjoy the flexibility of being able to make food that I doubt my son will eat. It gives him more exposure to more kinds of food, because I feel OK making pad thai, knowing I can offer him alternatives. And he does end up eating a lot of the the food I would have never tried (the pad thai for instance) had I stuck with the "you must eat what I made" rule. But again, that is just what works for me. That does not make your husband right and you wrong.

[Anonymous]

Do most PP's sit down and eat with their children? My DH gets home just before the kids go to bed and I usually wait for him to get home to eat. I'll usually make something for the kids, and then a separate meal for me and DH. It sounds like most posters make one meal for the entire family and are able to eat as a family?

[Anonymous]

DS 1 & 2 (ages 4 and 9) get the choice to eat or not eat--I'm not a short order cook. And they're both on the thin side, but they can make it up at the next meal or next snack time. I've never given them much choice after the meal was cooked, although I will frequently ask them if they'd rather have x or y for dinner. They are both required to sit at the table to eat, a rule that was started early...probably (can't really remember) from highchair to table with no real break there. Works for us, they eat most things, and we cook a pretty large variety of cuisines.

So I guess I'm less on the side of Dad in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read recently that you can expect a child to sit for a meal for 3 minutes for each year of age - thus, a 2 year old can reasonably be expected to sit at the table for 6 minutes. My own 2 year old sits longer in her old high chair than in her Tripp Trapp (unstrapped), and usually will stay at the table for 10 minutes or so.

All my kids eat what we eat, but I am lucky that they are not picky eaters. But I took an early childhood development class a few years ago where this was discussed. They recommended always offering the child your food, but having something to feed them, too, that you know they will eat, such as fruit or bread or cheese sticks. The one thing you don't want to do is to get into a battle with a toddler over their eating. Eating is one thing that the child controls, and they will always win that battle.

3 minutes per year of age seems low to me for most kids. In my limited experience with 2 kids, my kids were able to sit much longer than that. We have several dinner time rules that have always applied at our house:
1. no toys at the table - ever
2. your feet touch the floor - your food is gone (only had to do this 2x - first time and a reminder a year or so later)
3. you eat what we eat (I cook fairly simple meals)
4. your dishes go in the sink or on the counter when you get up. (for a child a little older but they can bring some dishes when faily young - plastic of course)

When dinner is over the kids can be excused if we want to sit and talk. It sounds harsh as I type this but it really just seems like routine now and they are very good when we go out to eat.

[Anonymous]

3 minutes per year seems low to me, too. Babies spend longer than that eating strained whatever. I started a 10 minute rule because my kids would often rather play than eat, so they would leave the table even though they hadn't eaten much. Then, an hour later, they'd be hungry. If they had to sit at the table for a few minutes, they'd often eat what was in front of them, and if not, *THEN* I believed they weren't hungry and didn't just want to get back to their trains or fort or whatever.