If you are a low energy introvert married to a high energy extrovert type A person

[Anonymous]

How do you handle it?

My issue is that my husband is a perfectionist who can't sit still. So he doesn't "understand" why someone would want to spend a couple hours reading a book or watching a movie or bingeing a tv show. He never does any of that. He watches or listens to sports on the radio but in the background while he's cooking or answering emails/doing office busy work, etc. When we go on vacation, he literally brings fiance journals to read on the beach.

He has an extremely demanding job and makes a lot of money. I'm a SAHM by his request and my own inclination (like I said, low energy introvert). I'm really good about keeping the house extremely clean and organized, which I know he appreciates. I make ~ 95% of the kids' meals. My DH loves to cook so he'll make a special meal once or twice a week if he has the opportunity.

But that's the thing, when he's not doing work for his job, he's home doing something constructive and actually useful like mowing the lawn or sanding down our patio furniture and staining it or weeding the garden or cooking an elaborate meal. He makes nice wood furniture as a hobby. He's gets up early before work to go to the gym every single day, including weekends. He needs very little sleep and thinks it's crazy and need so much more than him to feel ok (I do need a lot of sleep, at least 8 hours but more like 10). He has no problem letting me know that he thinks sleeping in on weekend mornings instead of getting up early to be productive is lazy. He's very involved with our kids too. He arranges his schedule so he can go their school events in the middle of the day, he chaperones field trips along with me, he does half of their activities (this is a chore we split at his request because he likes to watch them).

I'm not saying he's perfect. He has his flaws. For one thing, he is very practical, almost too practical. He HATES talking about emotions or anything introspective or speculative. He doesn't understand people who can't keep a positive attitude and hates hearing complaints. I can't even say something like "wow is it hot outside today" without him hearing it as a complaint. When to me is more like an offhand remark. I'm pretty good about ignoring all of that and I've learned to stop "venting" about any problem I might have to him because he doesn't understand that "supportive listening" is a thing people do. If I tell him about an issue I am having, he wants to fix it in that conversation and then move on. He hates when I belabor things because he hears it as useless complaining, whereas I see it as talking things out. Sometimes when you can't change something but have to deal with it anyway, venting a little steam really helps. I don't even know if he has recognized that I've stopped 99% of this in fear of him hearing me complaining. He also has a tendency to take a tone when I am talking about something he thinks is silly like celebrity gossip or a tv show. I think once I tried to explain to him why people cared about Prince Harry and Meghan's wedding. He doesn't feel any compunction about letting me know that he thinks it is stupid that I know information like this.

So I'm not saying he is perfect. But the thing is, when you add up what he does for our family vs me it makes me look extremely lazy in comparison and yet I don't think I am lazy, I am more like a normal person. I want to say, it's not my fault that you never learned to watch tv or read for pleasure! I haven't even watched the last few episodes of Games of Thrones because I haven't had time to myself without him around and he thinks watching tv and being involved in a show like that is super silly. I can't even mention things like that to him without him rolling his eyes or making a grimace.

Anyway, can anyone relate to this? What do I do about this?

[Anonymous]

Also he is very very hard on himself when he makes mistakes. So I guess he's somehow trained himself not to make many.

I haven't done that and I am a flawed person like anyone else so of course I make mistakes.

And he gives me a hard time when I do.

[Anonymous]

You sound like very different people, OP. How long have you been together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like very different people, OP. How long have you been together?

Coming up on twenty years together this fall. We started dating in college. First super serious relationship for both, though we had dated other people before.

[Anonymous]

I'm a low-energy introvert like you, so he sounds exhausting and insufferable. His energy would be a positive thing if he didn't act arrogant and disrespectful toward you, but he doesn't respect or acknowledge the innate, unchangeable differences in people. I couldn't live with someone like that. I would suggested counseling so that an outside party could explain these things to him, but I'm sure he sees counseling as weak and would dismiss it. So, yeah. I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a low-energy introvert like you, so he sounds exhausting and insufferable. His energy would be a positive thing if he didn't act arrogant and disrespectful toward you, but he doesn't respect or acknowledge the innate, unchangeable differences in people. I couldn't live with someone like that. I would suggested counseling so that an outside party could explain these things to him, but I'm sure he sees counseling as weak and would dismiss it. So, yeah. I sympathize.

Haha, no he doesn’t see the benefit of therapy, especially for us. He thinks our marital squabbles are normal and to be expected. If you asked him, I’m sure he’d tell you we have a fantastic marriage.

It is pretty good most of the time. I just wish he could be more understanding and nicer. More generous

[Anonymous]

Of course he thinks you have a great marriage, OP. All of his needs are being met. It’s yours that aren’t.

[Anonymous]

My husband sounds pretty similar. He doesn't request that I SAH, though. In fact, he insists on the opposite. I think a lot of his Type A is actually caused by anxiety, though. He won't admit to it and sees these traits of his as strengths and people who don't possess these traits as weak. Specifically he has a ton of anxiety about money and that drives a lot of his Type A tendencies.

I am a low energy introvert (but can seem extroverted in some social situations) and I also have two autoimmune disorders which both cause fatigue and the medication causes me to be immunosuppressed. I work a very physically, emotionally and mentally demanding job and need the weekend to recover from the week and gear up for the next week. DH WAH and has a lot of flexibility in his schedule whereas I have none. DH does a lot around the house, like unload/load the dishwasher, run loads of laundry, does most of the grocery shopping etc. But that is because he can't stand to see one dirty dish in the sink, or a full hamper. He doesn't really give me the opportunity to do those things when I'm feeling up to it but then kind of holds it over my head that he does "so much" and I don't. He also "doesn't know any other husband" who does these things consistently. I'm not going to leave a sink full of dirty dishes, but I'm ok with a pan soaking for a bit before cleaning it. DH can't stand that and so just takes it upon himself to do it right away if he sees it all the while muttering to himself about how he's always doing dishes. My DH also doesn't take responsibility when he makes mistakes, but is very quick to point out others' mistakes and he seems like he gains enjoyment from doing so.

I started going to individual therapy and the therapist said it sounds like we really need couples therapy. I know DH doesn't believe in that. We did try a few sessions a few years ago and didn't really get anywhere because DH refuses to see his behavior as anything but fantastic and therefore people who aren't like him are weak and lazy. He also won't admit to anxiety and has no desire to "lose his edge". When I try to express how I feel he immediately goes into defensive mode and how what I'm saying is that he's a terrible husband and father. I'm not saying that at all, but that's what he hears. He accuses and blames and we don't get anywhere. I'm sick of suppressing my feelings because it only leads to resentment, but expressing them doesn't get us anywhere either.

Sorry, OP. It's a difficult and complicated dynamic.

[Anonymous]

If you have been together all these years then DH has accepted that you do less and it doesn't sound like he is judging you. Just accept that he accepts you as you are and let go of feeling guilty about not doing enough.
It sounds like you need to make a couple of friends to talk about gossipy stuff like TV, etc. Clearly your DH doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff (my DH doesn't). You may be an introvert but it sounds like you want to do a bit of non-important chatting.

[Anonymous]

I’m a high energy introvert I guess. DH understands that I can get sensory overload easily and find large groups for long periods of time exhausting. He kinda thrives on them. So we usually alternate types of socializing or entertainment. Right now, he’s in a health crisis and finally understands what I mean when I say that I’d rather be home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have been together all these years then DH has accepted that you do less and it doesn't sound like he is judging you. Just accept that he accepts you as you are and let go of feeling guilty about not doing enough.
It sounds like you need to make a couple of friends to talk about gossipy stuff like TV, etc. Clearly your DH doesn't want to talk about that kind of stuff (my DH doesn't). You may be an introvert but it sounds like you want to do a bit of non-important chatting.

+1 OP Needs girlfriends for some emotional support. Some marriages are like that, and the happy women have good sisters/friends to lean on.

[Anonymous]

We won’t even let you watch game of thrones? Dictating how you relax and have fun is too exhausting for me.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. You have a husband who makes a lot of money, supports your entire family, is handy around the house, cooks and gardens as hobbies, and is very involved with your kids.

And you’re complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have a husband who makes a lot of money, supports your entire family, is handy around the house, cooks and gardens as hobbies, and is very involved with your kids.

And you’re complaining?

ITA - another hard working, extrovert type A but wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have a husband who makes a lot of money, supports your entire family, is handy around the house, cooks and gardens as hobbies, and is very involved with your kids.

And you’re complaining?

ITA - another hard working, extrovert type A but wife.

Exactly. Another mostly high energy oerson here. I kinda think we should all strive for this. I hate complainers.