If you're a working mom

[Anonymous]

I don't want to start a war about this but I'm really curious about something. Why does it bother you when SAHMs talk about what they do or express their frustrations? I was reading the "what surprised you about being a SAHM to young kids" thread and it was fairly reasonable and non-contentious for many pages. Mostly SAHMs and former SAHMs talking about the various pros and cons. But then a bunch of working moms had to come in and start shaming SAHMs for their choice.

Why does it bother you if SAHMs want to talk about their issues among themselves? Why do you feel the need to butt in to prove that you're better? "Well *I* have a flexible job that allows me to get home at 3:30 and I make 200k. My husband has the same except he makes 500k." I'm exaggerating but only slightly. Surely you realize that those are unicorn jobs? Great for you, I really mean that! But it's not relevant to the conversation or the OP's question. OP obviously doesn't have a situation like that or she'd mention it. She probably wouldn't be weighing whether to become a SAHM or not.

Why do you feel the need to butt in?

[Anonymous]

Why does it bother me? It doesn’t. Don’t paint all working moms with a single brush.

[Anonymous]

WOHM here and it also doesn’t bother me.

[Anonymous]

I find it hard to believe this is a genuine question, but I'll bite. It's a combination of trolls and insecurities.

If some thread by SAHMs really stuck to talking about their issues, things that really pertained just to their daily struggles, no WOHM I know would care. Frankly, I don't know why some WOHMs even click on those threads in the first place.

That said, it usually starts when some troll (and I do think they are trolls and not the majority of SAHMs) makes the comment that alludes to SAHMs being better moms who care about their kids or how kids *need* a parent home with them or something of that nature. Working moms have been hit with criticisms for decades. Most of us struggle daily with the push-pull between being good at our jobs and being good parents. If you admit this, the trolls will seize upon your insecurities to prove to you that you are a bad parent for working.

-OR- it starts when some troll makes negative comments about SAHMs to rile everyone up.

There probably are some working moms out there who are confident enough that they don't ever doubt there choices. There are some SAHMs out there who are confident enough that they never doubt their choices. But my guess is that most of us have some worry and insecurities about our choices and we don't take kindly to others attacking those very things we worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it bother me? It doesn’t. Don’t paint all working moms with a single brush.

+10000

I am not bothered by SAHM/SAHD. To each his/her own.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't bother me. It does bother me when people who stay home assume that they are 100% making the best possible choice and that people who work (either because they have to or because they want to) are selfish people who don't care about their children. It also bothers me when SAH parents characterize working parents as not parenting their children because they send kids to daycare, hire a nanny, etc.

I work outside the home and send my baby to daycare. I love my job. I always loved my job. I don't make $200k or work part time, but I also didn't stop loving my job when I had a baby. That doesn't make me selfish, the same way that staying home with your children doesn't make you boring and unambitious.

[Anonymous]

This is a silly thread and I suspect you know it, OP.

There are thousands of working moms on this forum (I think? I have no idea how many people are here) and none of us have any issues with SAHMs. For my part, I have nothing but respect but I know I couldn't do it, I'd go crazy. We don't randomly post in SAHM threads to say this though. There are probably a handful of troll-y people who are either insecure about their own choices, faking it to cause controversy for fun, or just mean people, who post things like that.

I could just as easily flip this question around to ask why "so many" SAHMs have to weigh in on threads judging working parents and telling us we don't love our children / are ruining their future / never should have had them; but I don't because I know that it's just a few dumb trolls trying to rile me up.

[Anonymous]

I only respond to posts shaming or criticizing working moms - as PP noted above, comments like "why do people even have kids if they don't want to raise rhem" really hurt. But I didn't even open that SAHM thread because from the title it clearly wasn't meant for me.

I also get irritates at the "I work from home 6 hours a day and make $200k" posts because that is obviously not a scalable solution. Or we'd all do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only respond to posts shaming or criticizing working moms - as PP noted above, comments like "why do people even have kids if they don't want to raise rhem" really hurt. But I didn't even open that SAHM thread because from the title it clearly wasn't meant for me.

I also get irritates at the "I work from home 6 hours a day and make $200k" posts because that is obviously not a scalable solution. Or we'd all do it!

THIS

Especially when they act like you're an IDIOT for not doing the same thing! Like duh I'll just pop down to my boss's office and demand that 6 hour/200k gig. No problemo.

[Anonymous]

I am a working mom, and I think it will drive me crazy if I am a SAHM. DH cannot make enough for me to stay home anyways. I think SAHM is a tough job, and I don't think I would do a good job educating my DC at home. Daycare/preschool is doing a better job than me.

If we are rich, I don't mind staying home though. And, I definitely would sign up DC for part-time daycare/preschool & have fun attending some classes or we go explore everywhere if money is not the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to start a war about this but I'm really curious about something. Why does it bother you when SAHMs talk about what they do or express their frustrations? I was reading the "what surprised you about being a SAHM to young kids" thread and it was fairly reasonable and non-contentious for many pages. Mostly SAHMs and former SAHMs talking about the various pros and cons. But then a bunch of working moms had to come in and start shaming SAHMs for their choice.

Why does it bother you if SAHMs want to talk about their issues among themselves? Why do you feel the need to butt in to prove that you're better? "Well *I* have a flexible job that allows me to get home at 3:30 and I make 200k. My husband has the same except he makes 500k." I'm exaggerating but only slightly. Surely you realize that those are unicorn jobs? Great for you, I really mean that! But it's not relevant to the conversation or the OP's question. OP obviously doesn't have a situation like that or she'd mention it. She probably wouldn't be weighing whether to become a SAHM or not.

Why do you feel the need to butt in?

First of all, I notice you don’t butt out and continue to propagate division.

So why don’t WOH parents butt out?

I imagine for the same reason that the SAH parents appear on every WOH thread, lecturing working parents on sacrifice and how children thrive with a parent at home.

The reality is, that as a society, an environment has been created where parents feel the need to constantly defend their actions, which leads to them judging and lashing out on anyone who doesn’t do it their way. This ranges from what people do in pregnancy, to the way the eventually deal with their ILs.

It’s HARD to be a parent in today’s climate of publicly shaming people. It’s hard to be a parent in today’s world of social media, publicity, judgement, and lack of community.

My advice to you is to stop focusing on SAH vs WAH, and just continue to support all parents in what they need to do for their own families. Realize that judgment often works both ways, so stops fueling fires. Offer help if you’re in a position to do so, whether it’s a SAH or WOH (or heck, WAH) parent.

[Anonymous]

Generally it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when I hear SAHMs who have kids in preschool or other full-time educational settings and don't have unusual other commitments talk about how hard their lives are.

Yes, it's difficult taking care of young kids all day. No, it's not reasonable to draw an equivalency between working FT and having kids and staying at home while your kids are in school.

It's fine to say "hey, my life is easier than others and I'm grateful for that." The suffering Olympics is tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't bother me. It does bother me when people who stay home assume that they are 100% making the best possible choice and that people who work (either because they have to or because they want to) are selfish people who don't care about their children. It also bothers me when SAH parents characterize working parents as not parenting their children because they send kids to daycare, hire a nanny, etc.

I work outside the home and send my baby to daycare. I love my job. I always loved my job. I don't make $200k or work part time, but I also didn't stop loving my job when I had a baby. That doesn't make me selfish, the same way that staying home with your children doesn't make you boring and unambitious.

+10000

This also drives me crazy, and I’m a SAHM. Total respect for working moms, if my life had been a little different I might have worked full-time, and I’d hope other moms wouldn’t have taken issue with it. As it is, I’m staying at home for several years, and then will likely work part-time. There’s more than one way to raise a family, and NONE of my SAHM friends have ever said anything remotely judgmental about WOH moms in real life.

They are trolls, all of them - whether they realize it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when I hear SAHMs who have kids in preschool or other full-time educational settings and don't have unusual other commitments talk about how hard their lives are.

Yes, it's difficult taking care of young kids all day. No, it's not reasonable to draw an equivalency between working FT and having kids and staying at home while your kids are in school.

It's fine to say "hey, my life is easier than others and I'm grateful for that." The suffering Olympics is tiresome.

This. I WOHM, and I don't care what other people do so long as they don't make comments that suggest that SAHMs are better parents, or that WOHMs are selfish or whatever. But listening to SAHMs with kids in school talk about how busy they are and how hard their lives are...yeah, I roll my eyes. Sure, you might have special circumstances, like caring for an elderly relative or something, but acting like your life is so hard is silly. If I stayed at home, the logistics of my life would be so much easier (the finances, on the other hand, would not). It doesn't bother me or offend me, I just think it's ridiculous. IME, honest SAHMs admit that staying at home means their life is easier, and their family's life is easier, at least logistically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when I hear SAHMs who have kids in preschool or other full-time educational settings and don't have unusual other commitments talk about how hard their lives are.

Yes, it's difficult taking care of young kids all day. No, it's not reasonable to draw an equivalency between working FT and having kids and staying at home while your kids are in school.

It's fine to say "hey, my life is easier than others and I'm grateful for that." The suffering Olympics is tiresome.

People like that suck because they suck, separate from their choice to SAH. Honestly, there are a lot of complainers out there, and the “woe is me” attitude is found among all types (including PLENTY who don’t have kids at all!)