Moving While Your DC is in College

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I recently got the opportunity to telecommute full time. We've been in the Washington area all of our adult lives and have seen how the area has grown and become high cost and high stress. We've talked about relocating for a long time and now have done it. DC just finished freshman year in college. We sold the house in March and have just moved to Richmond. I was surprised how hard the transition was for our DC. We waited until she finished high school and thought her year away in college would provide an adequate transition into adulthood that would make the adjustment easier. It isn't! She's coping but there were tears saying goodbye to the house and neighborhood she grew up in and her best friend. We chose Richmond because it's still close to family and friends in Washington and significantly less expensive while still offering many amenities. For her though it's never going to be home. Has anybody been through this? How do you balance parenthood with your needs/desires as a couple as your kids transition into adulthood?

[Anonymous]

Just keep treating your daughter like an adult. Emphasize the importance of independence and supporting herself. She will be the better for it.

[Anonymous]

Were you expecting it to be her home? She’s an adult. Her home will be college and then wherever she lives afterwards. Sounds like you have unrealistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

She can easily do overnights or 2 night stays with friends in dc.

She will understand as soon as she starts trying to save money.

[Anonymous]

I’m not surprised. Kids do not consider their home to be college. They consider their home to be the place they grow up. All my kids enjoyed coming home during summer breaks, less and less as they got older, but it was typical to have them visit and reconnect with high school friends. We waited until last child graduated before we thought about selling my home, but that doesn’t mean that’s only way to do it - it worked out that way with our career trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Sounds wonderful OP! Congrats of now doing what you and DH please. What kind of telecommuting jobs did you find? Do you mind sharing the fields and if F/T or P/T? TIA. Richmond is so awesome - just make sure to do fun explorations/eating out when she comes so she can find some places that will become regular haunts. As you set up new holiday traditions, it will become normal. I agree, they're adults now and will shortly not even be coming around as much anyway.

We will be going through it soon - in the next year or two or three. We sort of warned the kids this will happen but of course it will be a shock especially because we intend to spend part of the year in other countries - probably Spain or Mexico, maybe Costa Rica. We plan to buy them tickets to visit. Not sure how summers/breaks will work though.

[Anonymous]

It won't be her home. And it will be fine.

My parents moved during my first year in college due to a relocation. I went home during the summer to stay in my father's office. My things were in boxes where they stayed until I finished college and got an apartment which threw me for a loop for a couple days, but I found a job and got over it.

It's your life. She'll adjust.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter was very fortunate to grow up in a stable community and home that she loved.

Those roots will serve her well as she establishes herself elsewhere. You and your DH did your job. Now it's time for you to get your life back, in a sense.

If she wants to spend the summer back in the DMV, she should look for a job here and try to stay with one of her friend's families or a group house. It isn't on you to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you expecting it to be her home? She’s an adult. Her home will be college and then wherever she lives afterwards. Sounds like you have unrealistic expectations.

No, that’s not how I read OP’s question. I read it as OP asking whether they should have delayed their own move because their child would
miss having her childhood home. I don’t think they were necessarily expecting the daughter to embrace the new home in Richmond, but I also don’t think they were expecting such an emotional response.

OP—You and your husband made the move that was best for you. Your daughter will be fine. I would not have stayed in DC just so my kid could come home several weeks a year and maybe in the summer. That doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

The only time I’ve seen it backfire is when the parents had something else going on, like a brewing divorce, that was revealed after the move. Examples:

My freshman year boyfriend’s parents moved from near Rutgers to a lower COL Southern state. Within a year, they divorced. His dad moved back to the Rutger’s area and the AP that my BF’s mom had moved them away from.

My sophomore year roommate’s parents moved to hide that her dad had lost his job. She found out when there was no $ to return junior year. They also moved to a state without good state schools so she couldn’t simply live at home and go part time. She dropped out and went to flight attendant school.

[Anonymous]

That is our plan as well and we’ve been open about it with our kids. My youngest is adamant that she doesn’t want to move before she completes Hogg school and I get that. And I imagine that it will be difficult for her when we do move. But I don’t really think our retirement home should feel like my kids’ home. It’s going to be fine for them to visit but they need to build their own lives. And we are looking forward to the break from the high cost of living and the winter weather.

I have a friend who moved from his kids’ childhood home when his kids left for college. But they stayed in the area. His kids were fine. But they didnt have to say good bye to friends.

[Anonymous]

OP freshman year the student still had a foot in HS. By sophomore year the internships / overseas programs pull them away more and more.

[Anonymous]

I would have waited at least another year.

[Anonymous]

No, that’s not how I read OP’s question. I read it as OP asking whether they should have delayed their own move because their child would
miss having her childhood home. I don’t think they were necessarily expecting the daughter to embrace the new home in Richmond, but I also don’t think they were expecting such an emotional response.

OP—You and your husband made the move that was best for you. Your daughter will be fine. I would not have stayed in DC just so my kid could come home several weeks a year and maybe in the summer. That doesn’t make sense.

OP here. Yes that's certainly one thing going through our minds right now. Would it have been better to wait a year or two. For us the driving factor was the knowledge that we couldn't afford to retire in Washington, nor did we want especially want to. Since at some point we had to leave, we thought we might as well do it sooner rather than later.

However, moving from a house you've lived in for many years and raised a family in is really hard! Much harder than we thought it was going to be. I used to wonder why older couples continued to live in their big houses even as empty nesters. Now I'm a lot more sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

We moved out west with a rising freshman and rising junior in college. The one thing I did was schedule a nice winter vacation the first two years so we weren't sitting for weeks over the holidays in the new home with two kids wanting to be in the DC area. Other than that, I acknowledge their feelings but also don't apologize excessively. One of the kids is really enjoying the new location, the other is still missing the old house a bit but will be fine.