Donor embryo, how do you know?

[Anonymous]

I have been posting on and reading this forum for a few years; I post this knowing that it could get hijacked by the anti-donor egg person who has been a loud voice in recent months but I am hoping for some perspectives of people with experience. We are at the end of the road with my own eggs and about a month ago started the turn to donor eggs, which is expensive bc we are self pay. Unexpectedly, a set embryos have become available through our clinic that were donated by a family who had success and completed their family. All we would have to pay for is the transfer cycle.

The embryos were created using donor material on both sides, so young and healthy. The female donor is caucasian and has an ethnic background matches a mix of DH and I. The male donor comes from a South American country and lists Latino and Caucasian ancestry that partially matches the female donor and DH's background. If we were setting out ourselves to create embryos we probably would not have picked this combo but its being offered it checks our big boxes: high probability of success, good medical background, good education level (both donors were students when they gave have since finished college, the male has a master's degree).

What should we be thinking about as we weigh this path over the next few days? For the record, DH is fine with having no genetic tie to the baby. I want kids and desperately wanted my own eggs to work. He wants us to be happy and our life to be fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

I would use my dh's sperm.if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would use my dh's sperm.if possible.

WTF is your problem and what is wrong with you?? Why would you post something like this? How is this relevant to her question at all? OP just painted a very clear picture of this opportunity and their options.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm...making parents feel happy and fulfilled is a tall order for child who was an embryo that you feel iffy about. I think your heart is set on having some genetic connection through your DH’s sperm. Although I’m enthusiastic about donor embryos, I think this one is not the way you ought to go. And that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this sounds perfect to me, and I don't know that there are that many more boxes to be checked. You have to feel comfortable, of course, but (in my experience) you're not going to feel like you're "friends" with the people or really "know" them. Good medical history, some evidence of intelligence, young, and the right ethnic background are really what we can ask for in this process.

And, has been pointed out to me, if someone handed you a baby and said "it's yours," would you turn it down because the parents weren't [X}? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

I didn't hear her say anything about a genetic connection being their priority. These embryos exist already and it would be wonderful to do this. It is less expensive and difficult to do it this way. My only concern is that some clinics make it so anonymous that the donor-conceived children cannot make a connection with their biological relatives later if they wish to do that.

[Anonymous]

What is it about this combo that you wouldn’t have picked?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the universe has handed you an opportunity and you want to take it. Make the leap!

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH are in the same position. We just crunched the numbers today and realistically we think at least $30,000 to pursue DE. That’s a lot of money. Is it enough for your DH to give up his genetic link to his child?

The answer will be different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it about this combo that you wouldn’t have picked?

Neither DH or I is Latino and I doubt we would have picked that if we were starting from scratch but its not like there are no similarities and we are very open people. The caucasian background of the male donor partially matches the background of my husband and the female donor. I partially match the background of the female donor as does DH.

There is actually pretty good amount of detail and pictures re: the female donor. The male donor came from Fairfax cryobank and there is just 1 semi-blurry toddler pic of the donor.
If we create our embryos through a new donor egg retrieval our plan is to fertilize half with donor sperm and half DH's sperm. The Dr said this was path ppl in our shoes have pursued and again DH is wants success more than genetic tie or nothing. I have a slight preference for the profiles Ive looked at on California cryobank bc I feel like you get more detail (more pictures, major information, gpa information). But am I just being swayed by good marketing?

I am not iffy about the embryo. In many respects after all the heartache this feels like a wonderful opportunity.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like fate has handed you a gift to be parents with the opportunity to be pregnant and have that deep tie to your child/ren.

Think about it, many couples go through ivf and other medical interventions and then end up adopting. With no genetic connection and more waiting, more expense and no experience of pregnancy, birth or nursing (if that's in the plan).

[Anonymous]

Seriously you can have a down payment on a house or put that money in a college fund. This is a wonderful opportunity to get through this quickly.

[Anonymous]

Do it! I’m listening to my 2.5 year old, created through donor embryo, breathe in her sleep right now. She’s absolutely the best thing about my life, and the idea that a child with my genes would be somehow better or preferable seems absurd. Take the donor embryos the universe is giving you! One or more of those is your future child.

[Anonymous]

Do it, OP. And wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP speaking as one with experience, I would spend the money on DE. We did. If you are successful you will have this child for a long time.