Reply to Feeling sad after sister passed and learning of her kindness to others

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "Feeling sad after sister passed and learning of her kindness to others "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My sister recently passed a few months ago. Her spouse is grieving terribly and I have been calling to see how he is doing.  He has mentioned on several occasions many kind deeds she did for his family, neighbors, friends. Very generous favors.  
She always had an edge for me. I am close to her children and do a lot for them. They have no idea how mean their Mom was to me. Her husband thinks we were close, not so. Here, I am consoling all of them and very sad what she did for others and not for me or my children. I am not taking money related things, jut everyday kindness. I would never say anything, but it really, really hurts me.  I am helping pay for her memorial service, listening to all of their sadness. I am there for all of them, but she was not very nice to me.  Please help me sort out my feelings. I love her children (all in 40’s) .  Just venting and trying to figure out how to move on from my hurt feelings.  Thank you for any insights and suggestions.[/quote]

Yes, do see a therapist, you need someone to help you to heal and to find some light and peace. Chances are there was something about you that make her upset and she did not need daily reasons probably but just generally not liked you. Many times those things are related to the birth order.
Often an older sibling feels inside that the younger sibling destroyed their childhood and happiness by sheer arriving. They stole their spot, their light and the attention from the parents was never the same. 
Sometimes the opposite happens, the younger sibling is upset at the older one because parents favorize the eldest child, they constantly idolize them, let them get away with little crimes against the little ones that the little ones suffer and take a note and carry in for life and act upon them sometimes conscious other times subconsciously.

Whatever it was, if you feel that nothing you did could cause her being like that to you, and you were always there for her, but looks like she was barely if ever for you, yet now you learn how wonderful she was to others, this can hurt.

You are surely hurt and now the biggest problem probably is that there is no time  to level, to make anything right, to give her chance to make up to you for all those wasted and angry years. That is what hurts probably most. Some conflicts in the family are like that.. people are more angry at the diseased then when they were alive because they took away the opportunity to somehow make up. The ones that are left live on with the pain and sadness and unresolved issues with no chance for healing by reconciliation and some kind acts.

This is something that you can work through with your counselor. You most likely will need to find some things that will bring you a  new perspective and help you to heal. Perhaps when you look at some things from different perspective the pain of the children left behind, the grief of the husband and the loss of a life of your sister maybe this can somehow balance your pain because it is real. It is final and it is unchangeable. You are grieving and you are angry but they lost the mother, the wife and she is not coming back. You will get over it somehow, 
but sister is not someone you live with every day, mom and wife is, their hole in their lives are insane.

Also if you are in any way spiritual and believe in existence after life, then you might find that your sister is present near you and if you open your eyes to it and let yourself see the sign, then you will. It is also very possible that now she is one with love and peace of the universe and maybe she sees things she did to you and will try to make up to you. Look into yourself and maybe you will see and feel her presence.
I you think it is hard to live with some unresolved issues, think how hard it must be to be dead and not having a body and not being able to do anything to fix things one messed up. Eternity is a very long time. It is said that in forgiveness one finds real peace and healing.
It is also known how difficult forgiveness is. However if you look at it, you might realize that you can not loose much by forgiving her but you can gain everything. If you can not forgive her for any other reason maybe you can take a pity on her for her loss of life, loss of the joy and happiness of being with her kids, her husband and seeing them all grow older and old.. that is a huge loss. You still have it, she lost it all.

Don't rush anything, grief is a heavy companion and it will not let you run fast. You have to carry your load the way it lets you. Grow stronger each day and it will became lighter.

Please go to see a therapist, they will help you to sort all those feelings and sorting is half of the successful healing. You need to know what you are feeling and how you are grieving and then you will became stronger.

Hugs and peace!

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics