Happy with decision to have a second child?

[Anonymous]

I love my child but not having children. Since having a child I have realized I dont like children. I wouldn’t say I dislike them but that I don’t like them. D I’m happiest when my child is sleeping or I’m out without my child. I strongly disliked pregnancy and had a rough childbirth. I miss my old life tremendously. Now that I have a preschooler I finally have more of my life back. It’s easier to focus more on my career and he sleeps through the night. I do love my child and of course there are moments where I feel intense love for my child.

But I still have this lingering question of do I want another child? I worry about my child not having a sibling. I worry something will happen to my child and we will be childless. I know rationally I shouldn’t have another child. The expense and the fact I don’t like children.

Has anyone had these same thoughts , had a second child and ended up happy with their decision?

[Anonymous]

My mom told me she really disliked having young kids, but loved it once we were all grown (like college-age and above). Now that we are married with our own families, I think she likes it the best. She just relates to us so much better now than she did when we were young. She still had 2 kids though, bc she wanted us to have someone to play with when we were young bc she knew she didn't want to spend any time with us.

[Anonymous]

Such a stupid question! Everyone loves their second child and will, of course, encourage you to have another!! Better to ask those who stopped at one-and-only why and if they are happy.

[Anonymous]

Two is more than twice as consuming and involved than one. I’m not exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

I had a second and do not think you should. It is so much more all consuming than one and there is no guarantee siblings have a great long term relationship - in fact most siblings I know aren’t super close. I loved having one kid, enjoyed kids overall, and still sometimes feel like my life would be better stopping at 1.

[Anonymous]

You could be me. I have a second. It sucks for now. My first is a very difficult child, which probably doesn't help

[Anonymous]

Stop at 1. I have two kids and of course I love them both but the others are right. With one you can trade off with a spouse but with two it is non stop. DH and I have two difficult elementary school age kids, which is supposed to be the golden time and we were joking today about how we might go to prison to escape parenting. There is just no more down time. I should have stopped at one. Every family is different but in general more of something that isn’t making you happy will not make you happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop at 1. I have two kids and of course I love them both but the others are right. With one you can trade off with a spouse but with two it is non stop. DH and I have two difficult elementary school age kids, which is supposed to be the golden time and we were joking today about how we might go to prison to escape parenting. There is just no more down time. I should have stopped at one. Every family is different but in general more of something that isn’t making you happy will not make you happier.

This is a great point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be me. I have a second. It sucks for now. My first is a very difficult child, which probably doesn't help

But when does it stop sucking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could be me. I have a second. It sucks for now. My first is a very difficult child, which probably doesn't help

But when does it stop sucking?

It may never stop sucking.

[Anonymous]

The second is more work, more whining, another helpless human who you need to do everything for. It will introduce a sibling dynamic, which requires constant intervention and can bring out some bad behaviors. It will require extra planning, make preschool drop-offs and everyday outings 3x more difficult and more chaotic. I say this as someone who was enthusiastic about having a second, and had 2 relatively easy babies: the early years are no joke. Of course they are temporary, but I think some people adjust better to parenting. It sounds like you're not one of them and I would encourage you to stop at one. And BTW, the worries about your child don't dissipate by having more children. They multiply.

[Anonymous]

I am one and done and have thought about this endlessly bc I can v much relate to your post.

In the end my reasons for wanting to have a second were all based in fear. What if my child dies? What if he’s alone when we’re dead? What if what if what if! It was all fear based. And as a rule I don’t make life choices out of being scared. A second would be from a place of negatives, not of excitement. So we’re done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one and done and have thought about this endlessly bc I can v much relate to your post.

In the end my reasons for wanting to have a second were all based in fear. What if my child dies? What if he’s alone when we’re dead? What if what if what if! It was all fear based. And as a rule I don’t make life choices out of being scared. A second would be from a place of negatives, not of excitement. So we’re done.

OP here. This is very helpful. Such a great point. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I was iffy about having a second and am so glad I did. Parenting my first was anxious and stressful at every stage—the second time around it’s mostly pleasure and joy. Different kid and so much more confidence as a parent.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP. I had such a hard time bonding with my oldest. I still do. He's his daddy's son! We love each other and he's a lot like me but I'll tell you what - my second makes me wish for a third which would never happen - just not practical nor feasible for our situation but she makes me understand why parents have more than 1. Listen - everyone's right - with 2 it's hella more everything. You may hate it more but and it's a big but - kids are different. Your response to every kid you have will b different. You should talk to your partner about it. It's simply not true if you had a hard time with the first it's everyone sane nor if your first was great and you get excited on second, you get what you wished for. Typically though I admit it's one harder and one easier. However, my eldest is easier. Ironically though my second is a damn pain in my ass she and I are bonded and the identity I have as a mother is due to having her. I think like so many things in life you have to go with what you ultimately want v. What you think will happen. Sometimes it's a leap of faith that you only have. Good luck!