Worried about perpetually messy house impact on kids

[Anonymous]

I’ve been depressed and exhausted for over a year, and my house reflects it. I can’t seem to keep my house clean and tidy.

I’m very embarrassed by it and my kids have not had anyone over for a long time. I feel bad for them but still can’t seem to change. It’s all I can do to work, keep my kids well fed and nicely clothed. Cooking, laundry, and play time with kids happens. I spend as much time with them as I can. I help with homework and am there for them. They seem to be healthy, happy kids. Cleaning and tidying just doesn’t get done. There are piles of mail on the front table, clutter everywhere, and vacuuming and mopping gets done rarely.

DS has a demanding job and is never home. I work full time too but most of the childcare and all of the house are falls on me. I’ve been trying to hide the depression from the kids. To outsiders I probably seem functional, but I feel just on th edge of breakdown sometimes. I’m always so tired and drained.

I don’t have the time or money for therapy. We can’t afford cleaning help right now.

I worry about the impact of a messy house on the kids. I’ve made it clear they can’t bring friends over until the house is neater, but it never seems to get there. They are too young to help although the oldest really tries to be helpful.

Please don’t snark. I already feel so bad.

Does anyone have helpful ideas on how to get out of this mess?

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

6, 5, and 3.

[Anonymous]

You may be surprised how much young kids (over age 4) want to help, and with some guidance they can actually accomplish small tasks.

[Anonymous]

Do one chore everyday. You’d be surprised how much neater your house would be in a week. Just cleaning up the mail, vacuuming and mopping would be huge. They are also necessary since your very young kids are playing on dirty floors. Take it slow, but get started.

[Anonymous]

Can you arrange for both kids to go to their friends’ house one of these weekends and use the time they are away to make a big dent in getting the house back under control?

I don’t know that a messy house will damage them, but it does set the gauge for what is “normal” for them as they get older. I’ve always made my bed because it was impressed upon me at a young age that you just can’t leave the house with an unmade bed (or without tidying before you walk out the door). My parents were neatnicks.

Also, I do think the kids could grow resentful that you are conditioning their ability to have friends over on something that is out of their control.

I’m sorry you are struggling, and hope things improve for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Use the weekends when you aren’t working to clean. You need to get a handle on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use the weekends when you aren’t working to clean. You need to get a handle on this.

Not so easy if you are depressed....

[Anonymous]

Sounds really challenging, OP. Bless you.
I want to give you and your children a big hug.
They must know how much you love them.

[Anonymous]

That you’ve turned this into not just your character flaw, but something that is going to hurt your kids, tells me that the first step here is treating your mental health. Lots of love and best of luck finding a good treatment option.

[Anonymous]

You are not damaging them bc of the state of the house. You aren’t living in squalor. You are keeping them happy healthy and fed. Is it cluttered? Sure. But it won’t give them a complex unless you specifically bring attention to it.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. The clutter is probably effecting you. Can you set a timer to go through the clutter for a certain amount of time each day? Even if you start with just 10 minutes of going through the mail stack at night? 10 minute vacuum the next night? It may seem stupid at first but those 10 minutes may lead to more motivation to do other things other times of the day. Also, every week or every two weeks increase the time by 2 minutes, until you have the mess under control

[Anonymous]

Understanding how you feel but I wonder if no friends over for the 6 yo and 5 yo hurts more than it helps. Worried about what people will say? (Mom, their house is so messy!) No place for them to play?

Are you able to at least get an antidepressant from your primary care doctor? Does your job have an EAP (employee assistance program)? That's usually good for a few (like 3) sessions of basic counseling. That might help you get a foothold on one piece of the overwhelming stuff. Also find out where the public mental health provider is (something through your state's department of human services)--they will often do sliding scale, they can also assess for medication and can often provide that more cheaply (although generic SSRI's are very cheap). Or university programs in counseling may have clinics where the students do practicums or clinicals or whatever they call it. Several years ago I used one of those and it literally only cost me $5 a session.

The other thing is that although of course you're concerned about the kids (and a depressed mom does have an effect on children!) it's very easy to ruminate yourself into a deeper and deeper hole, sort of meta-depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not damaging them bc of the state of the house. You aren’t living in squalor. You are keeping them happy healthy and fed. Is it cluttered? Sure. But it won’t give them a complex unless you specifically bring attention to it.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. The clutter is probably effecting you. Can you set a timer to go through the clutter for a certain amount of time each day? Even if you start with just 10 minutes of going through the mail stack at night? 10 minute vacuum the next night? It may seem stupid at first but those 10 minutes may lead to more motivation to do other things other times of the day. Also, every week or every two weeks increase the time by 2 minutes, until you have the mess under control

I agree with this. Just run of the mill messy is no big deal to kids. Make an appt for Salvation Army or Purple Heart to come to a pick up. Getting rid of the stuff you don’t need makes keeping up with cleaning a lot easier. Once you cleared away excess stuff make a cleaning schedule and do one room per night after the kids go to sleep. You can do it and you will feel a million times better.

[Anonymous]

This solution may not work for you, but maybe try occasionally having someone over so you can't put off the cleaning? My DH and I are not depressed, just busy and with limited energy, but for years we've had to invite someone over every few weeks just to create some kind of external motivation to clean. It doesn't get done more than minimally otherwise. I'm not talking dinner parties, just neighboring kids whose parents will come in, low key stuff. Feel free to ignore if that sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

1) Be kind to yourself. Clutter— as long as it isn’t hoarder-style piles of stuff— never hurt a kid.
2) Agree with others that the mess is a symptom not the cause, and first step is looking out for yourself. Have you talked to your primary care physician? You might be able to get a very low dose antidepressant that helps you feel things are more manageable and have a little more energy to get things done.
3) Take baby steps. Start with one thing or area of the house, and work on just that at first. Build momentum with small wins.
4) Include the kids. Set expectations like “no screen time until your room is clean/laundry is put away/dishwasher is empty/whatever”. We grew up without assigned chores, but with the expectation that if we saw things that weren’t clean/done, we should ask “what can I do to help?” While helpful for getting a house clean, I also think that approach teaches a collaborative work ethic that has helped me as an adult.

Good luck! FWIW, my mom struggled with anxiety and depression, and we all turned out fine, even though we frequently had cluttered counters,etc