Worried about perpetually messy house impact on kids

[Anonymous]

As long as it's just messy, and that dirty, there is no problem. You're doing the important stuff, feeding them clothing them playing with them. There are some who think a clean house is a waste of time...

[Anonymous]

They will be fine. Kids are very resilient.

Are you up for playdates at a park? You could “host” a friend at a playground and so you don’t need to worry about the house.

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel any better I only have one kid, we do have a maid and my house is still a wreck sometimes.

I try to keep the main floor clutter free but proceed up or down a flight of stairs at your own risk!

I watch YouTube cleaning videos to get motivated sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I am not being snarky or judgy, but can you really not afford cleaning help or have you just not prioritized it?
If for you it is not a priority for your expenses but you can afford it then please do it.

I have a relative who always says she can't afford to do stuff and usually another relative will step up and pay, yet the same relative goes on nice vacations every year and has money to out for drinks with friends a couple of times a month. So she can afford dinner with the family when we are all going out but she has decided the other stuff is more important. Wrong imo but if others are gonna keep enabling this then I guess its working for her.

I also would not stop them having friends over because of a messy house. Their friends won't care. You want to create happy memories for your kids, they will remember having a fun house with friends over, not that it was messy.

[Anonymous]

First step, have a conversation with DH. You are concerned about your mental health and you need his help to make a plan to get you help.

Have you confided to any friends and family about this? It sounds like you feel ashamed, and that is making you more depressed and isolated. I've helped friends clean their homes, friends have helped me when I was in need. I think talking to someone who cares about you could be a big help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have ADHD and mood issues-- I get it. Things that helped to varying degrees over a looooooong period (in order I implemented them):

-Organizing from the Inside Out (Also Time Management from same author):

https://amzn.to/2vvIRV6

-Getting an ADHD diagnosis/meds/coping skills

-Flylady.com (or many of the principles)

-Marriage counseling

-KonMari:https://amzn.to/2DHfDas

-Almost always doing chores *with* my kid

-And another thing-- with ADHD, I often have to be moving, so if I'm chatting with my husband, it helps both my brain to concentrate on the conversation AND to have a cleaner house if I'm unloading the dishwasher or folding laundry while talking.

-Having people over ~1x/week

Each of these things helped in some way. To be fair, over a 15-year period. Maybe try one of these things? I never have hired anyone to clean my house... I probably could afford it by making other sacrifices, but not easily. I would say, although my house is far from spotless, KonMari probably made the biggest impact without requiring minimalism (although I'm not sure if I'd have been able to do it without doing other things first). There's just not as much to clean, and it's not as overwhelming. So I think... hiring cleaners would still be nice, especially to deep (or medium) clean, but the house is not usually a disaster without that-- 90% of the time it is either sorta presentable or can get to legit presentable (for planned guests) within 20-60 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Our mother was depressed and our father never around (sound familiar?) and our house got more and more messy over the years to the point that we WERE different, and it's had a lasting effect on the entire family. Get a handle on this OP, and do it now.

[Anonymous]

Enlist them to help clean--kids can help with picking up toys, folding laundry, dusting, etc.

Do one thing every night--sort the old mail, or clear the clutter from one place, or vacuum one room. Pick one room each week to focus on. The small things will add up.

Let them have friends over. Little kids don't care about messy houses. You've turned a logistical problem into a moral failing and a social handicap, and it doesn't need to be.

Don't make this bigger than it is. The neatness of your home is not a measure of your character or moral worth. If you don't like your house being cluttered, work on that, but keep it in perspective.

Also, take care of yourself. Take the kids on walks with you so you can get some exercise and fresh air. Do your best to get good sleep. Meet with a therapist to develop some ways to cope--maybe talk therapy, or medication, or other options.

[Anonymous]

Treat your depression, not the messy house, OP. Start by talking to your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Get the Feeling Good workbook and start it now. Save up $2000 for a 10-session course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a reputable specialized practive that delivers CBT with fidelity, and really dig in and commit to it.

In the mean time, I suggest accepting that the house will be messy for now. Your DH could clean on the weekend but choses not to - you do the same!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our mother was depressed and our father never around (sound familiar?) and our house got more and more messy over the years to the point that we WERE different, and it's had a lasting effect on the entire family. Get a handle on this OP, and do it now.

One of my cousins has a lot of anxiety about clutter and mess because she grew up in a house like this too. OP, it is SO hard when you're feeling depressed. I agree with those who say you need to treat that first. The rest will follow, a bit at a time.

[Anonymous]

For Mother's Day request a one time cleaning service, rather than a meal out or flowers.

Attempt 20 minute blitz now and then. Set timer and zip around and do a quick declutter.

Make it a game with the kids. Baby wipes to dust.

[Anonymous]

Depending on the level of clutter, yes, it could impact them because as they get older they will start noticing that their house is messier than their friends.

Like the other posters, you do sound like you should see your doctor to manage your depression and find ways to overcome the exhaustion.

In the meantime maybe try this: Get several clear large plastic bins. Fill them with the piles of stuff that are around the house(counters, tables, etc... all cleared off) and stack in the garage, a bedroom corner, wherever you have a bit of space. This will clear your home up and could make you and family feel better. Clutter does weigh people down and it makes it difficult to focus. In all likelihood you won't need to get anything out of them in the future, but it's there for awhile if you do. After 6 months, send off the contents to the dump.

[Anonymous]

My mom was you - overworked, exhausted, and yes depressed (but never sought treatment), and we chronically had a messy, cluttered house. But, my siblings and I were loved and every need was taken care of. I grew up and became a bit of a neat/clean freak, so I guess the have opposite issue... I’m not sure if that is related to my upbringing, but it can’t be accidental? But I am also fine. Yes sometimes we had mad cleaning dashes before friends came over, but other than that it really wasn’t the end of the world. But please listen to the other posters and consider seeing someone for depression.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this post.

One: I decluttered. I just dove into it while watching Marie Kondo and got rid of 40% of stuff I have.

Two: I'm on meds, and they help me not look at my life is overwhelming.

Three: Rather than think my house is a mess, think: I need to do a load of laundry today. Once it's dry, enlist the kids in a game of who can put stuff away faster. Fold and give them stuff to put away.

Four: sometimes, you need to realize that you won't do it. But as long as the kids are loved, safe, and happy, and not living among roaches and mice, you're good.

Five: My mom spent her whole life stressed out about cleanliness. We have the cleanest house but our childhood was full of fights. I don't remember many happy times, but I remember being yelled at for walking in white socks over the floors because I might get them dirty, or for not immediately washing things and putting them away, or not making my bed, so much drama as a kid.

Six: set your alarm. I set my alarm for 10 minutes sometimes. I chose ONE thing and I do it till my alarm rings. If that's all I can do, at least I did that. But most times I have more in me so I go more. The nice thing is, this little 10 minute clean session makes you feel like you did something good and succeeded, and it boosts your mood.

Seven: BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Life is tough.