Destination Bat Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

I think the issue here is more family relationship than religious, but time will tell!

My family is Jewish. Personally, although I'm very invested in my synagogue and religious studies, I've never felt that much of a connection to Israel. I also find Orthodoxy problematic, and, in fact, the only time as an adult I have set foot in a gender segregated synagogue was for my niece's Bat Mitzvah.

So, the issue. My brother's family (same Orthodox one) has decided to have their younger daughter's Bat Mitzvah in Israel during the school year. Our entire family is local, so everyone attending would have to travel overseas. Aside from just no connection to Israel, I also have a significant fear of flying (that, granted, I do deal with to travel to places I really want to go), and, like everyone limited vacation time and finite funds.

My nuclear family is me, my husband, and our tween daughter. My husband, an atheist to the point, tbh, of obnoxiousness sometimes, has said there is no way he is going. I truly want to go to my niece's Bat Mitzvah, but I'm rather dreading the plane ride, the travel, the expense, I really have no interest in extending it longer than the event itself. The only solution, which I'll do with only internal complaining, is to fly there for 48 hours, go to the ceremony and party, and return home. I don't think it is at all reasonable to take a tween on that short of a trip, and for his own reasons (missing school, expense, vacation time, lack of interest, generally feeling looked down upon by my religious relatives), my husband has put his foot down about taking her for longer or sending her on her own.

So, overall, it's rather dumb. I'm flying overseas for 48 hours. But, I'd prefer that to missing the event entirely. I'm really not trying to be a martyr. I can see how it could come across that way.

Problem - I am getting no end of complaints from my mother and brother. I'm being unreasonable. I'd love Israel. When there is a location I'm interested in, I'll fly and visit for a week or two. I'm denying my daughter a unique opportunity. What 4 or 5 days of middle school? To me, this seems so black and white, I'd never, in a million years, assume someone should love or revere something that is meaningful to me... just because.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this.. but I'd love to hear thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t go!
Who’s paying for the trip?
But still even if they are paying for it! If you don’t want to go, don’t go. It’s not that important. Also 48 hours is killer even if you’re flying business class. She can do her reading for you at home.

[Anonymous]

Honestly to fly to Israel for 48 hours IS unreasonable. Consider about 12 hours flight each way (sometimes with a change of planes) and a unavoidable jet lag. You would be probably a zombie at the ceremony. Just go for at least one week and consider it a special vacation/family time to enjoy or don’t go.

[Anonymous]

OP. Seriously! That would make the most sense. But, the bottom line is, I really do want to be there. Maybe, in some way, I want "credit" for going to a ton of trouble. Which is very unfair.

It's still preliminary, but I believe a three day stay and tour would be paid for. Extended tours and airfare are not paid for. According to my mom, "everyone" is doing an extended tour

[Anonymous]

Ask if they can livestream it.

[Anonymous]

There’s no way I would drop thousands of dollars and burn vacation days for my niece’s church trip.

[Anonymous]

Destination whatevers [fill in the blank for the event - weddings, bat mitzvahs, etc.] are completely optional, and anyone who organizes one and expects guests to spend thousands of dollars and take significant vacation time to attend is not worth a moment's thought. IMO.

[Anonymous]

I have never been a fan of destination weddings and now there are destination bat mitzvahs? Oy vey. If you decide to hold a milestone event out of the country, fine. You then forfeit the right to comment, react or judege in any way the way people rsvp to said attend. This applies to everyone - Gramps, lovely Aunt Sue or your best girlfriend since 1st grade. If the one's dicatating location get to determine such, so do the invited guests.

[Anonymous]

If you plan a destination event, you have to accept that some people won’t attend!

What’s not reasonable is insisting that everyone should be excited about traveling to a specific place at a specific time.

You choose what is most desirable for you: don’t go, go briefly, or go extended.

Them tell them what you’ve decided and to please stop pestering you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no way I would drop thousands of dollars and burn vacation days for my niece’s church trip.

You sound like my husband except he refers to it as a birthday party. It’s not helpful

[Anonymous]

In your case, I'd decline. If you want a destination event, of any kind, you have to graciously accept that some people will be unable or unwilling to attend, and it's not a test of how much they love you or value family. The only solution is to politely decline, and then let them complain. Don't argue with them, don't explain anymore, just say it doesn't work for your family. You can't control their reaction, you can only control your actions.

[Anonymous]

Going to Israel for 12 hours is insane. Don't do it.

Either decline -- that's the risk when you have a destination event -- or take the whole family for longer. We recently had to go to my Orthodox niece's bat mitzvah in Israel (they live there, so it wasn't a destination event) and it wasn't that bad. Orthodox girls aren't allowed to read from the Torah or in the sanctuary, so it was really just an extended dinner in the social hall. My DH and I did lots of eye rolling, but it wasn't the many hours long service in a segregated synagogue that you're envisioning.

And regardless of what you think about Israel or its politics/policies, there is some amazing history there and it's an incredible place to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no way I would drop thousands of dollars and burn vacation days for my niece’s church trip.

+1. I’m resentful of even local bar/bat mitzvahs when the families are clearly secular. If you are truly religious, I get it. Else, it’s just a HUGE gift grab.

[Anonymous]

all else aside, i agree going on a 48 hour trip is not a good idea. the shortest i have gone is like 3 days to that part of the world, and even that is pretty crazy.
btw, there is now a direct flight from dulles on united, that might make it just a tad less crazy. it will save you at least 4 hours of travel time if you decide to do it.
sorry about the situation.

[Anonymous]

I would go on my own. I'm not Jewish but I think the bat mitzvah tradition is so cool and meaningful - I wish we had something similar in my culture. I also think you are giving Israel the short-shrift. It *is* a super amazing place - with something for everyone. I think you would enjoy it more than you think you will (even if you never feel any kind of spiritual connection to is).

I travel a ton and you can get by on adrenaline on the first day and jet lag really kicks in on the second - you might be able to coast through and just collapse on the plane ride back.

But your mom and brother are being completely unreasonable and rude. Once you make your decision, work to just shut them down. "Mom, Larlo, just stop. This is what works for our family - that I come on my own. I'm excited to be a part of Larla's special milestone but don't ruin for me with all the complaining." Or "Mom, Larlo, We will be excited to celebrate Larla after the bat mitzvah when you all get back, but it's just not going to work for our family to come. Please just focus on Larla and her special day and stop hounding me about this."

I would not take my tween out of school for this given the background.