Destination Bat Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go on my own. I'm not Jewish but I think the bat mitzvah tradition is so cool and meaningful - I wish we had something similar in my culture. I also think you are giving Israel the short-shrift. It *is* a super amazing place - with something for everyone. I think you would enjoy it more than you think you will (even if you never feel any kind of spiritual connection to is).

I travel a ton and you can get by on adrenaline on the first day and jet lag really kicks in on the second - you might be able to coast through and just collapse on the plane ride back.

But your mom and brother are being completely unreasonable and rude. Once you make your decision, work to just shut them down. "Mom, Larlo, just stop. This is what works for our family - that I come on my own. I'm excited to be a part of Larla's special milestone but don't ruin for me with all the complaining." Or "Mom, Larlo, We will be excited to celebrate Larla after the bat mitzvah when you all get back, but it's just not going to work for our family to come. Please just focus on Larla and her special day and stop hounding me about this."

I would not take my tween out of school for this given the background.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue here is more family relationship than religious, but time will tell!

My family is Jewish. Personally, although I'm very invested in my synagogue and religious studies, I've never felt that much of a connection to Israel. I also find Orthodoxy problematic, and, in fact, the only time as an adult I have set foot in a gender segregated synagogue was for my niece's Bat Mitzvah.

So, the issue. My brother's family (same Orthodox one) has decided to have their younger daughter's Bat Mitzvah in Israel during the school year. Our entire family is local, so everyone attending would have to travel overseas. Aside from just no connection to Israel, I also have a significant fear of flying (that, granted, I do deal with to travel to places I really want to go), and, like everyone limited vacation time and finite funds.

My nuclear family is me, my husband, and our tween daughter. My husband, an atheist to the point, tbh, of obnoxiousness sometimes, has said there is no way he is going. I truly want to go to my niece's Bat Mitzvah, but I'm rather dreading the plane ride, the travel, the expense, I really have no interest in extending it longer than the event itself. The only solution, which I'll do with only internal complaining, is to fly there for 48 hours, go to the ceremony and party, and return home. I don't think it is at all reasonable to take a tween on that short of a trip, and for his own reasons (missing school, expense, vacation time, lack of interest, generally feeling looked down upon by my religious relatives), my husband has put his foot down about taking her for longer or sending her on her own.

So, overall, it's rather dumb. I'm flying overseas for 48 hours. But, I'd prefer that to missing the event entirely. I'm really not trying to be a martyr. I can see how it could come across that way.

Problem - I am getting no end of complaints from my mother and brother. I'm being unreasonable. I'd love Israel. When there is a location I'm interested in, I'll fly and visit for a week or two. I'm denying my daughter a unique opportunity. What 4 or 5 days of middle school? To me, this seems so black and white, I'd never, in a million years, assume someone should love or revere something that is meaningful to me... just because.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this.. but I'd love to hear thoughts.

This a totally and completely ridiculous request. If someone was paying for you all to go it might be less ridiculous, but not much.

Reminds me of when I was asked to be my niece's confirmation sponsor and finally had to pull out b/c my husband's family refused to accept that we could all afford to fly (we lived overseas at the time) and that we couldn't make a vacation of it.

It's just not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

^^ could not all afford to fly.

All that said, if someone else was paying the freight on this trip, personally I would go if I could and I'd pull my tween out of school for it too.

[Anonymous]

If you truly want to go and don't mind the time and expense, I think your solution to only go yourself is completely reasonable, but it's also fine to skip it entirely. Nothing to feel guilty over.

For the family giving your grief, just keep repeating "We made a decision based on what works for us. Please respect that. If you can't respect that, I'm going to end this conversation." Then follow through - hang up the phone, walk out of the room.

[Anonymous]

OP since you are being pulled in so many directions, I would do only what YOU want to do and not torture myself with a super short trip. So I would go for a week, enjoy the time with my extended family, see Israel and just look at it as a solo vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Destination whatevers [fill in the blank for the event - weddings, bat mitzvahs, etc.] are completely optional, and anyone who organizes one and expects guests to spend thousands of dollars and take significant vacation time to attend is not worth a moment's thought. IMO.

+1 and, as a PP said, let them livestream it.

[Anonymous]

48 hours is rough. Even 48 hours back and forth to the UK is hard.

I am Jewish. We are planning a trip to Israel in the next few years and even with the level of comfort I have with travel, we still don't fly there unless it's first class and give ourselves downtime for jetlag.

I would not go. That would be so hard to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask if they can livestream it.

nonstarter for the orthodox.

[Anonymous]

You should go and represent your family.

The rest should stay home. Blame it on the school.

[Anonymous]

I have a niece. If she cared about my being there, I'd be there. I'd hug her and say "I'm sorry Uncle Mike and Jamie couldn't come, and that I can't stay longer. But I'm so proud of you and so glad I got to see you do this!"

And then I'd literally walk away from mother and brother when they started giving me crap. Or ignore their texts about it. Or whatever.

Bro: Why can't you stay for five days like everyone else? Because of your idiot of a husband?
You: See ya.

[Anonymous]

The rule for destination "anythings" doesn't matter if it is a wedding or a Bat Mitzvah is that guests are invited but not expected to attend. The expense and time is a unreasonable expectation. Not all schools allow tweens to take a week off for a destination family event and while the ceremony is religious it won't count as an excused religious observance.

[Anonymous]

I agree with other pos that you ahould try to attend but leave the reat of the family at home.

[Anonymous]

I have never heard of a destination Mitzvah! Sure, some families opt for doing it at the Wall, but it's usually just the nuclear family (and cheaper than the big party).

Given your situation:
1 - I would go with DC, for more than just a weekend. Your child can make up the work, and would probably learn more during a week in Israel than in class (religous reasons are excused);
2- no way would I go for 48 hours. That. Is. Insane.
3 - if you absolutely refuse to pull teen from school, go yourself for a week.


You will not regret going to Israel. So much to do and see, even historically and currently (they are teaching the world about limited water use and desalinization), not religiously.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for your attending but your DD and DH stay home. How much is the trip going to cost you? Do the shorter tour, plan on being there a few days not 12 hours, and explain to your mother and brother that the whole thing is a big ask already and they shouldn’t push you to do more than you can afford.

[Anonymous]

I would go alone and extend for just a bit longer to make the travel worthwhile. Try to have more of an open mind though. I think your inherent negativity is preventing you from finding any good in it. Allow yourself to find something interesting about it be it history, religion, architecture, culture, art, whatever and indulge a little in exploring that. Extend your wishes from DH and DD who had far too many commitments to travel so far during the school year. If you get any backlash from family you tell them you’ll give them your reservation number if they’d like to gift you with an extension on the trip but for now this is all your budget would allow.