The Black Sheep Liberal of the Family, Back in the Conservative Wolf Den on Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Any advice on how to handle? Politics will come up, it always does. Do I just keep my mouth shut? Some things I can't just abide, though, like the racist stuff. I don't want my kids to think I condone these ideas by keeping silent. And no, I don't think all conservatives are racist. But that's one ugly manifestation within "my" family.

[Anonymous]

What do you usually do when you're with your family on the holidays?

[Anonymous]

I have similar situations. We always argue on politics--but racist has never really come up with my parents and that generation of relatives. Although my grandfather, bless his heart, still uses terms of colored people and orientals. That's not worth fighting, he's in his 90s, but I wouldn't let my parents speak that way now--I think I'd walk away if racist statements were being used. But real political arguments like healthcare, guns, taxes, palin on a pedestal (I mean WTF!) etc, I/we indulge in. Some I let lie when there's no point, but at the same time, I view it as good to expose them to outside their conservative bubble! However, this is why I also require alcohol at all settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you usually do when you're with your family on the holidays?

I used to debate with the best of them and feelings be damned. But they get really mean (I of course don't) and it's not the example I want to set for my kids.

Family dynamics just seem to have taken on a whole new spin since I had kids and now actually care what they see and hear.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? My instinct is to pull back from the discussions -- basically play a listening role and hold yourself back from joining in.

If your family could handle a heated discussion WITHOUT getting mean, that's one thing (and it would set a good example for your children). But I happen to think it's a bad idea for you to engage in front of your kids if you know it's going to get ugly.

In terms of what to tell them, I think it depends on how old they are. But there's an opportunity her to talk about listening skills, ways to disagree without being mean, and how to be a polite guest.

If your children are older (middle school /high school) it's also a great opportunity to talk about the substance of your views and your family's views -- maybe to preview the conversation before you get there and talk it through on the way home.

The discussions with your kids don't have to be (and shouldn't be) indoctrination. I bet there's a way to talk about the fact there are lots of issues upon which reasonable/smart/educated people can disagree (most political things, really) and other issues where there really is a clear right and wrong (racism).

[Anonymous]

OP, here. They are 2 and 5. I think it would be disturbing to both for raised voices all around, regardless of what's being said. And my 5 year old will probably say something about "bad words" depending on what gets said.

If they were closer to teens, I'd completely agree -- great learning opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask the relatives to make it a "politics-free zone" in advance? My crazy, racist, fundamentalist family agreed to this. It turned out that they preferred it to being reminded that a few of us are going to Hell.

If they say no, bring activities for your kids and use their "need to get up from the table and color as an excuse to escape and do the same.

[Anonymous]

Just go along with them and act like you agree. It can be kind of fun. Last time I was home, my extremely conservative family members started going off about "socialized health care." I made a big point about agreeing with them, and then started warning them about how Obama is going to ban guns and go door to door seizing all weapons. It actually took them several days for them to realize I was being sarcastic.

[Anonymous]

how is saying "colored" or "oriental" racist? outdated terms but hardly racist. what the heck does the NAACP stand for then?

[Anonymous]

OP, here. They are 2 and 5.

I think the kids are more likely to be upset/disturbed by the arguing rather than the substance of what is being said. The 2-yr old obviously isn't going to understand any of it, and if the 5-yr old picks up a few bits and pieces, you can discuss it privately later. If it were me, I would just ignore, nod along, change the subject, pour myself a 3rd, 4th, 5th glass of wine, etc. It would be more important to keep the tone pleasant for my kids than it would be for me to expose and debate my family's idiotic views.

And I know where you're coming from as I was raised in a very conservative household; I still consider myself fairly conservative on many issues but I am so much more socially liberal than my parents and siblings that we could really get going if I wanted to engage with them, which I don't.

My parents literally refuse to hear opposing viewpoints, so it's not worth talking with them about politics because it's not a conversation, they just say their piece and then do a silent version of "blah, blah, blah, I can't hear you" when you try to respond.

My mother will watch presidential debates and press mute when the democratic candidate is speaking, so she only hears the republican, whom she agrees with no matter what, just because he's a republican. Dh and I find this hilarious. Fox News is the only news they watch. We subscribe to the NY Times, so they won't read the newspaper when they're at our house - it's too liberal. I am not kidding. I could not make this stuff up.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go along with them and act like you agree. It can be kind of fun. Last time I was home, my extremely conservative family members started going off about "socialized health care." I made a big point about agreeing with them, and then started warning them about how Obama is going to ban guns and go door to door seizing all weapons. It actually took them several days for them to realize I was being sarcastic.

hilarious. my parents can't figure out how 2 of their 3 kids ended up to be "raging" liberals. dad is always trying to provoke me. after my mom repeated something ridiculous she heard on Fox News (probably death panels or how "illegals" and trial lawyers are really the problem with healthcare) I looked at her, stunned, and said, "mom, do you *really* actually believe that?" she got mad and said yes, it's true.

at that point, I decided I would never again engage in political discussions with them. how can you reason with such ridiculousness? it sucks so much energy out of me. and seeing my youngest sib buying into that garbage just kills me...

[Anonymous]

I'd call them on racism (and ask them not to use racist terms in front of my kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go along with them and act like you agree. It can be kind of fun. Last time I was home, my extremely conservative family members started going off about "socialized health care." I made a big point about agreeing with them, and then started warning them about how Obama is going to ban guns and go door to door seizing all weapons. It actually took them several days for them to realize I was being sarcastic.

Excellent! Stephen Colbert is a great model, and so is Nathan Lane's character in that movie with Robin Williams-- Was is Birdcage? Lane, as the flamboyant partner of Williams, impersonates a woman so they appear as a heterosexual couple when the son brings his fiancee and her conservative parents home to dinner. When the discussion turns to politics and abortion, Lane declares, "I don't even approve of abortion if the woman's life is at stake. After all, if the baby dies, the mother ought to go down with the ship!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd call them on racism (and ask them not to use racist terms in front of my kids).

Absolutely. I would tell them that disagreement is healthy but racism is unacceptable. Period.

Saying nothing when people make ignorant comments and assertions--especially in front of my kid--is the same as agreeing. I want my son to know I feel differently and that I do not condone these attitudes. My aunt has let a few things slip from time to time, and I tell her that I love her but I do not want my son hearing that. She adores him, so she cuts it out. (Also, as an aside, I know that she does not discriminate--she has her own company and her hiring is very diverse at all levels--but my son is too little to know this or that she is "joking," so I make it stop.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how is saying "colored" or "oriental" racist? outdated terms but hardly racist. what the heck does the NAACP stand for then?

The NAACP, like "the Negro Leagues," uses the term in a historic and formalized context. It doesn't mean it would be acceptable to use it in conversation. You are correct it's not blatantly derogatorily racist but it's still unacceptable usage and children shouldn't hear it used conversationally.