Facing a career move and don't know how to juggle everything -- advice needed!

[Anonymous]

I'm currently facing a big career decision, and need some advice. All of my friends with kids/babies have lives where one of the parents works a demanding job and the other parent either stays home with the kids, works part-time or works a 9-5 job with no evening or weekend work. We have a 6 month old baby and both work; my husband is a journalist and works whenever the news breaks (which is always) and I have a great job where I set the hours (8-4 normally), however there's no more room for me to grow at my company and I'm admittedly getting a bit bored. I have the opportunity to accept this incredible new job opportunity, and while it'll be demanding and challenging for sure, it'll also be exciting. It's a corporate job, so it's also about twice what I make now, meaning we could afford to have a second kid in a couple of years and sell our condo and buy an actual house. However, it also comes with longer hours and travel. We have no family in the area (closest relatives are in NYC and we're in DC), so we can't call someone to pick our daughter up from daycare on the nights where we'd both have to work late. Do I pass up on this opportunity and wait another year until she's a bit older to look at jobs (the thought of being away from her makes my heart hurt), or do I accept this opportunity and try to negotiate the hours/travel, etc? I would love some advice from couples where both people work demanding jobs and have kids, and really hear from you what's been good and hard about it. I know the decision is ultimately mine (and my husband's) to make, but I would really appreciate some advice from people who have been there. Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

If you take this job, there would be no time for a second child, seriously. It is a catch-22. Time or money.

I would keep the daycare and hire an evening/overnight nanny/housekeeper for the rest. They would have to be flexible so they would cost more than the usual nanny.

[Anonymous]

I am the flexible-job half of a very similar couple--my DH is even a journalist! We are a little farther down the road than you, with two kids now in middle school.

It is a tricky situation with no perfect answer. Our lives would be easier in many ways if I had a job that paid significantly more. As it is, we don't hire out anything: I clean the house, take days off when the kids are out of school, etc., all while working a full-time (but very flexible) job.

But here's the thing: We recently ran into a serious health issue with one of our kids. I have been able to take quite a bit of time off for appointments, etc., without anyone giving me a hard time. At this moment, I am so glad that we have flexibility built into our lives. Even before this happened, there was always SOMETHING. Being able to take sick days, hold up our end of the carpools, get home every night by 4:30--that's all made parenting less stressful and more enjoyable.

Then again, we're always a little short on money. I'd recommend really thinking through the ways your life will improve and also all the ramifications of losing that flexibility you have now. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Would the new opportunity be demanding and require travel long term or just in the short term (even 2-3 years) while you learn the ropes? If it would be a forever demanding role, I'd really take a step back and consider the pros and cons. If you think it would be really demanding in the short term but flexible long term, I'd jump at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would the new opportunity be demanding and require travel long term or just in the short term (even 2-3 years) while you learn the ropes? If it would be a forever demanding role, I'd really take a step back and consider the pros and cons. If you think it would be really demanding in the short term but flexible long term, I'd jump at it!

great question. I'd be hiring on more people in the next 12-18 months, so I could then delegate out the majority of the travel. It would be super demanding for the first couple years, which is manageable in my head, but then in reality means I would be missing out on some of her childhood (I mean, I probably wouldn't be, but it feels like that). On paper, the amount of travel would be about 10% of the time / year, but in the interviews it came across like it would be more, which is why I'm thinking I should negotiate that part before accepting.

[Anonymous]

We have two big jobs (biglaw and leader of a large organization), no family anywhere nearby. LO (2) is in daycare.

It is...hard. Most days it feels like we parent, work, and sleep and maybe only two of those.

Things that make it work:

-One of us works at home and daycare is right nearby

-We hire out everything- batch cook for the toddler 1-2 times a week and everything else is delivered.

-We have a few go-to backup sitters we trust for illness, etc. We have money to throw at this when we have to.

-Both jobs are senior enough to have some flexibility - if we need to free up X date for something, at least one of us generally can.

-Only one job travels (although as the biglaw spouse has gotten more senior, they are being asked to travel more and it is becoming a problem)

I don't know if I'd recommend it. Some days I want a 9-5. but I also like that my daughter sees me engaged and fulfilled professionally and I don't think those jobs would do it. I have complete peace that she gets good quality time with both of us and is well cared for otherwise, but our personal lives suffer to do it. I can't imagine how a second would fit (but that's ok for us)

[Anonymous]

I am of the mindset that only one, or preferably both parents, should have flexible jobs when parenting young children. But I also am taking the long view of my career, and I don’t believe the myth that we can have it all. The truth is you have to pick and choose. My perspective is that I will be working 30 or more years, but my children will be young exactly once. You don’t get a do over if you aren’t around or present. Sure, a house is great but if you and your spouse are spending your life commuting and not seeing your kids, does that extra square footage really matter? Personally we have chosen to stay in the city and rent for short commutes and time with our child. These years are extremely challenging and precious. Time is a finite resource.

Right now it’s more important to me that I prioritize my family over my career. I never want to be the parent sending my sick kid to daycare dosed up on Tylenol so I can work. I never want my kid to feel like I wasn’t there when they were growing up. I need flexibility for sick days, school holidays, doctors appointments, and the zillion other issues that arise with kids.

This is not a popular view inside the Beltway, where the ladders to climb are enticing and never ending. Where someone always has more than me—prestige, money, power. But at the end of the day only you can decide what matters to you. Often the default answer is “lean in” but it’s okay to have a different perspective. I like the Ann Marie Slaughter perspective—that you can lean in at different points in you career, and at other points when your caregiving responsibilities are larger (young kids, aging parents) you may need to hold steady.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I both had demanding jobs with one child. We had a very flexible nanny who could stay late as needed and all the parent time with ds was quality time bc he had full 1:1 attention. It’s very feasible and I feel like ds one got plenty of time and attention. We now have 2 kids and it broke the system. The before / after work time with ds is now stressful trying to get him to do things while also taking care of a baby. He acts out because my attn is divided so we all end up upset and exhausted. One parent (or the nanny) doing bedtime themselves is tough so it makes tag teaming more difficult. I no longer feel like ds (or baby) gets enough quality time and am pulling back my career so I can give them each some relaxed individual attention during the week.

[Anonymous]

OP, I switched to a way more demanding (and higher-paying) job when my twins were 10 months old. I worked my ass off for a few years, leaving for work before they were awake, and sometimes having to work late meaning I wouldn't see them all day. Luckily I pretty much never worked on weekends, so I was with them for those two full days. My husband's job was pretty demanding as well, so we paid a ton of money for a wonderful nanny. I also tried to work from home once a week so that I could steal moments during that day to spend with them. It was rough for all of us, and after a few years I was in tears and needed a change. Luckily, the hard work paid off and I was able to switch to another firm and use all the work I had done to negotiate a way less demanding but still high-paying job where I now have a ton of flexibility and could see myself doing this until I retire. So if you think the really hard work will pay off in the long run, it can be worth it to do it in the short run. If you think you're setting yourself up for a mad dash on a hamster wheel for an indeterminate amount of time, I'd make sure that's really what you want to do (and it may be, no judgment here).

[Anonymous]

I realize this is a difficult ask for a journalist (and may not be possible), but in an effort for gender equity so you could take this job, is there any possibility for your husband to ask for more flexibility for a couple years? Maybe just the ability to work from home more could make a difference.

Our careers aren’t quite as demanding I don’t think, but more demanding than the friends in your circle you mentioned. I had previously had a good bit of flexibility though and was definitely primary for appointments etc. I took a new position recently that I knew would decrease my flexibility and increase my hours, but likely temporarily. so we decided it was worth it but this was after discussion with my husband offering to take on more so we could make this work. I had taken on more during election season when he was swamped, so we saw this as the ebb and flow of keeping both our careers moving forward. Luckily he’s earned enough chips at his office that he went to his boss and asked for increased flexibility for the next year. He was pretty transparent that we were going to be switching primary roles due to my new job. His boss was supportive and has let him have a lot more flexibility with work from home so he could handle appointments etc recently.

I realize every office environment is different, but I do think it’s the only way women will not have to downshift so often is if men start asking and taking this on.

[Anonymous]

Should clarify I’m pp above and only have 1 child - made work transition at 12 months. I agree with others with two likely harder but there are definitely people that do it. Primarily with babies to help so it’s really balancing all of that, what you’ll gain long term, if it’s worth the nanny cost etc

[Anonymous]

For now, forget about the house. You don't need it. You don't need it until you have kids well into school and then maybe need it re: school districts

Extra money you make will go towards childcare. You will need a reliable nanny

[Anonymous]

Haha nannies not babies. Sorry on my phone

[Anonymous]

OP here. First, thank you so much for all of your advice and replies thus far. It's been really helpful to read your notes and find myself agreeing or not, which in turn is helping me sort out what to do and how I feel about it. Things I think I should also point out:
1) I would have the ability to work remotely a couple days per week, meaning that I could be the one who picks her up from daycare a couple times per week. I'm not sure yet on if the job would be flexible enough to let me not work the hours from pickup through bedtime, and that's a big question I'm going to ask during negotiation.
2) My job now is about 8 minutes via bus to her daycare, 20ish minutes walking. New job would be about 20-30 minutes drive or metro
3) My husband's job is demanding, but there are days when congress is out that he can work remotely. It's just when they are in that he isn't available
4) the travel would mostly be during the week, and mostly domestic (with some longer international trips thrown in). I would be fine traveling for a few days per week every other month, but not more. Is this possible to negotiate?
5) My husband floated the idea that I could always come back to my current job and ask them to meet the salary at least halfway, which would still enable us the flexibility and give us more breathing room, financially.
6) One set of our parents has entertained the idea of moving down here in the next year or two, which would be a huge help, too.
7) we absolutely love our daycare, but does it make sense to also get an afternoon sitter/nanny for pickup-bedtime on the nights we can't make it work? does this type of person/position exist, and how does one find such a person?

[Anonymous]

The answer depends entirely on how much travel and how much longer the hours would be. My husband and I both have stayed in jobs that give us lots of flexibility but at different times we've each taken on more responsibilities that entailed more constrained. But within reason. You can find workarounds - in our case we relied heavily on a nanny service to handle sick days and last-minute needs - but only within reason and only if the job is worth it to you. Only point I'd make is that there are no "easy" times to lean in; bigger kids come with different needs but no less demanding on parents' time and energy.