How to get DH to make peace with his sibling who has terminal cancer?

[Anonymous]

DH has a sibling (John) who he was very close to while growing up, and even into adulthood. Then a crisis happened in the family, involving their parents, and the kids took different sides. A few years ago John was diagnosed with cancer, reached out to the family to let everyone know (for genetic testing) and DH exchanged a couple of texts with John and that was the end of it. Since then there's been no communication beyond a quick greeting at a family event.

Now it appears that John's cancer is back and it is terminal. DH hasn't heard directly from John or other family about this. I told DH that I thought he should contact John and let him know he was thinking of him, etc. DH got angry and said that it's John's fault they don't talk, that he's the one who doesn't care, that it's not his responsibility. I'm just afraid that John will die and DH will feel awful for not ever having a chance to say goodbye. There were so, so close. I've never been close to John and I've thought about messaging him, but I'm afraid that even if I do that then DH still wouldn't break his silence. And I don't want to create additional difficulties and pain for John.

Anyone been in a similar situation? Anything else can say to DH to convince him to stop being so stubborn? To being the better person?

[Anonymous]

Oy, your H is acting like a big baby.

Maybe encourage him to see a therapist to work out his feelings? I donno. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Yet, in this case, he's stuck being angry while his brother may run out of time. I'd feel like slapping him upside the head.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. On the one hand, your DH sounds awful; on the other hand, there are so many people in my family who I could imagine behaving this way who are not awful people. Which is just to say, I'm sure your DH isn't actually awful, but what is he thinking? I assume John didn't do anything actually (arguably) unforgivable/wasn't himself the cause of the crisis (e.g., kiddie porn, child molesting) and, instead, they just took different people's sides in a crisis not caused by them (e.g., divorce, dispute over money)? If so, you need to impress upon DH that it doesn't matter AT ALL whose fault it was and that John is now likely not in a position where he can/should focus on this and the person he should want to be would step up. He doesn't have to say it's his fault, he just has to make it clear that he's there, he cares and he loves John. This really shouldn't be hard.

[Anonymous]

You said your piece. I think your part is done. You can’t make him contact his sibling if he doesn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said your piece. I think your part is done. You can’t make him contact his sibling if he doesn’t want to.

This.

But instead of badgering him about it, just leave him with a few open ended questions to consider on his own. 1) will he have regrets about his relationship with John after he dies? and 2) if there's any small part of him that think reconciling is the right thing to do, to listen to that part. Then tell him you will not say any more about it to him since it's his brother.

[Anonymous]

Are there any other siblings? Are the parents still alive? Does John have a spouse? I’m wondering if there might be any back channels open that could be used to help thaw things out.

It’s a tough spot, op, and I totally get why you are concerned. How old are they? Here in my 50’s I’m discovering it’s a wave of losses to cancer, and it can be hard to take. I hope your dh finds it in himself to soften his heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said your piece. I think your part is done. You can’t make him contact his sibling if he doesn’t want to.

This.

But instead of badgering him about it, just leave him with a few open ended questions to consider on his own. 1) will he have regrets about his relationship with John after he dies? and 2) if there's any small part of him that think reconciling is the right thing to do, to listen to that part. Then tell him you will not say any more about it to him since it's his brother.

Totally agree w/ the bolded sections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said your piece. I think your part is done. You can’t make him contact his sibling if he doesn’t want to.

This.

But instead of badgering him about it, just leave him with a few open ended questions to consider on his own. 1) will he have regrets about his relationship with John after he dies? and 2) if there's any small part of him that think reconciling is the right thing to do, to listen to that part. Then tell him you will not say any more about it to him since it's his brother.

Totally agree w/ the bolded sections.

Thank you for the advice.

[Anonymous]

It is not your place to manage your husband's relationships. He is a full-grown adult.

You've said what you needed to say for him to consider. That's all. You're done. He's an adult.

[Anonymous]

So how did you find out that "John's" cancer had become terminal if no one has actually mentioned anything to your dh.

If that is true, then there might be a valid reason why your dh is not reaching out to his brother. It's like his brother has purposely cut him out of the loop. If that's the case, is it even appropriate for your dh to contact "John"?

Did your husband say something in the emails to his brother that caused "John" to cut him off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how did you find out that "John's" cancer had become terminal if no one has actually mentioned anything to your dh.

If that is true, then there might be a valid reason why your dh is not reaching out to his brother. It's like his brother has purposely cut him out of the loop. If that's the case, is it even appropriate for your dh to contact "John"?

Did your husband say something in the emails to his brother that caused "John" to cut him off?

This.

My sister and I are not on speaking terms with my parents. She’s pregnant with her first child. Part of why we don’t speak to our parents is due to the abuse we suffered during childhood, and then they started being manipulative and emotionally abusive toward my children, thus repeating the cycle. My poor sister gets so much grief from extended family because they feel she somehow owes them access to her new baby. People are coming at her through me, or attempting to, to try to change her mind and make amends. (Our parents actually cut us off and said they won’t see us again while we continue to insist on certain boundaries.) Some people are so adamant, to the point of badgering us, it reopens all the old wounds and we’ve limited or cut off contact with people who won’t drop it. Every time someone tells me I owe it to my parents to let them get to know my kids I can’t help thinking about the abuse they put me through.

Don’t be that person to your husband. Do you think he hasn’t considered all the possible outcomes? Do you trust him to know his feelings and to live with his decisions? Do you think he’ll blame you if you don’t “fix” this for him? Has he asked for your opinion on any of his options? How do you know his brother’s medical status if the brother and family aren’t updating your husband?

[Anonymous]

I think you should at least send a card saying you're thinking of him. Tell your DH you'll get the card and all he has to do is sign it or let you sign it for both of you and send it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should at least send a card saying you're thinking of him. Tell your DH you'll get the card and all he has to do is sign it or let you sign it for both of you and send it.

This is not good advice. This would be an example of badgering. If the wife wants to send a card in her own, she can. But badgering or signing someone else’s name is not okay.

PP, please read 14:05’s advice. This is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should at least send a card saying you're thinking of him. Tell your DH you'll get the card and all he has to do is sign it or let you sign it for both of you and send it.

She can send the card without involving DH.

[Anonymous]

I have a feeling this is how DH’s estrangement from his brother will end. Both think the other should be the one to reach out, if not apologize. Both are stubborn. If BIL was to die tomorrow, DH would not attend the funeral and vice-versa. It’s sad but not my place to intervene.