Mean and Tough Inlaws
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Anonymous
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I should be able to deal with this better, but my family is gone, our kids are grown and don't luve close, and so we are the holiday hosts to my inlaws which include my DH's brothers and their young adult kids, and his parents. The kids are fine when they come, but it is obligatory. The older contemporary adults are racist, homophobic, closed minded, and not afraid to share their thoughts. All day and / or night. SIL is a big believer in conspiracy theories- doctors are wrong, liberals are wrong, people are all brainwashed into being politically correct. This rhetoric goes on all night. She passes around false information on FB from white supremacist sites and thinks it is all true. These folks all went to college, but they haven't expanded their knowledge base for decades and rarely socialize with anyone. Our holidays are a night out for them.
My DH is not like this, and he agrees they are awful, but he loves his family. His parents are quite elderly. It's been decades for me, and I am tired of it. I pictured a whole different scene for now when I was older, and that didn't happen. Instead, on the happiest days, I feel like I'm floating in sadness. My friends are all with their families, so I can't invite them, and my DH doesn't want to leave his parents alone. I get that. I really try to not stir the pot, but I don't feel like I have any self respect if I just let them wax on with their dangerous idealogy right in front of me. I just say things like " i don't agree. Have you read...." or " This is what I learned when I went.....or read...or experienced...." I am then ridiculed or I just take away the dishes while they continue with their stuff at the table. They drag out their biggest stuff when my husband goes into the kitchen or bathroom, interestingly enough. This after cooking for two days and cleaning. |
Anonymous
| Can’t you go over to their place? Just say you can’t host this year and that’s that. Could you make up an excuse about you working certain holidays and can’t host? |
Anonymous
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Does your husband step in at all? Seems that he could ask them to can political discussions on holidays.
Sorry, OP; they sound dreadful. |
Anonymous
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Leave the room when your husband does, each and every time.
Don't give them the opportunity they seek. If they "call you out" on it? "Yes, I find your views so offensive that I will not be in the room alone with you. You are correct. Me never being alone with you is a condition of you being in my house, or me visiting your home." |
Anonymous
SILs never host and their houses are not accessible for the parents.ILs are infirmed - their last hosting event was about 20 years ago, in their early 70s. Yeah, I can make up a story and we could just take off, but then these older parents don't have a holiday or a birthday, or even a 4th of July. You are probably wondering why I care. Well, their personalities were always the same- it didn't get worse as they aged, but now they are really alone. They can't get out much, and while they had few friends in their heyday, all of them are dead now. It's when they can see their grandchildren and children. Unfortunately, they've got this one stupid liberal daughter in law....me! My husband is also- but they don't believe him, actually.  I had 30 some years to cut them all out, but my husband does love his parents, and when the kids were young it was great- a whole house full.
Now is not the time for me to say no more, but it hurts more because I am so sad and lonely for what is supposed to be good family days. My parents are gone, and I miss my own nuclear and extended family. Pulling up my big girl pants. |
Anonymous
They think everything is political...the food, the weather, measles...there are no demarcation lines. |
Anonymous
If he catches it, he does respond with facts...he's an amazing intellect, but they do save the serious stuff for when he gets up. It's like they are baiting me. I have no trouble responding, and it is in complete control and without vitriol, but later they, over the phone to one of my SILs, will characterize what I say as completely different in tone and word, " She contradicted me at the table! " or "She left the room when I was speaking- because she knows I'm right!".... as if I brought it up to begin with- so I say nothing now. I am always nauseous when they leave. And for days. |
Anonymous
| If you knew they had Alzheimer’s you would be able to dismiss what they say and pity them instead. Somehow, you need to get to a place of sympathy for their lack of awareness because you cannot reform them. What you are doing is a kindness to your DH and to his family. One that he will always recognize and thank you for. Yes, it is a sacrifice and it is maddening, but sometimes you have to help the fools. |
Anonymous
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You are being very kind and generous to your in-laws, but it's time to move on from them for the holidays. I would tell your husband that the time with his parents now needs to be during regular times and not with the rest of the family. Invite them for dinner or brunch on a regular weekend. And then go away for the holidays - go see your kids, go on vacation. Do whatever you want and let the ILs figure it out.
You've put in enough time and patience. It's time for them to step up and take care of their parents for the holidays. It's time for your husband to take a stand. And if he wants to host them be fine with it. It will just be done without you in the picture - you go to a spa weekend with friends or alone! |
Anonymous
| Don’t do this every holiday. You deserve to enjoy some of them too. Plan a trip somewhere gun over Thanksgiving or Christmas. Or just hide. But don’t do this every holiday. |
Anonymous
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You can escape this. You really can. Say no to one of the major holidays this year. Thanksgiving or Christmas. Tell your DH that you'd be trading between families if yours were still alive--and he has two siblings who can find a way to be involved.
Even better, suggest DH take the kids and go see his parents, say, the weekend after Christmas, after having Christmas Day at home. You can do it. |
Anonymous
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You are a really nice person- your DH is lucky to have you! They sound exactly like my ILs (but I don’t have to host, fortunately). I avoid conversations (and tend to leave the room whenever they start up). Honestly I try to think of them in the same way I’d think of someone with special needs or some sort of mental impairment. Sounds terrible, but it works well, and helps me to muster up some sympathy and be tolerant when they start up one of their rants..
As for the hosting: can you continue hosting since your home is accessible for ILs but dial way back on the work? I’d start having people bring food etc. If it isn’t financially burdensome, I’d get at least the main dishes etc catered. Ask DH for help on any cleaning and prep work- and dial that back too- odds are they don’t care whether your house is perfect, anyway. |
Anonymous
So really, you’re not looking to end this. Please take control of your life. You don’t have to host racist, intolerant a-holes. Tell your husband that you’ve had it and that the whole situation makes you profoundly sad. Say that if he continues to want to host his family he’ll have to do all the work. Stop being such a whiny doormat. |
Anonymous
| Not your job to host the siblings and their children. Next holiday, include only the parents. |
Anonymous
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You don't have to host every event. They have daughters who are also supposed to look out for them. If their houses are not accessible they can take them out to an accessible restaurant. Doesn't DCUM always say that daughters are supposed to be closer with their families than sons?
Please talk to you dh. It's lovely that he cares about his parents and that you have done so as well. But he needs to care for you too and keep you happy so find a compromise. Make a new tradition that you go on s trip for a holiday. Surely you have friends somewhere else in the country you can visit or just vacation. |