Mean and Tough Inlaws

[Anonymous]

I have a similar set of in-laws. I told DH before we married that I would not host them at holidays.

Life is too short to have every holiday spoiled by rotten people, in-laws or no, and I didn't want my kids to remember holidays as a time of stress, either.

[Anonymous]

Why are you playing martyr? Just put your foot down and refuse to host.

What’s up with all the doormat women posting here tonight???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you playing martyr? Just put your foot down and refuse to host.

What’s up with all the doormat women posting here tonight???

Martyr? This is a family. Sometimes it is what it is. I don't think cutting off a whole family from the spouse is the answer. Just limited interaction.

This president was elected by about 25% of eligible voters- they all go to someone's house for Easter, right?

[Anonymous]

We love our families and are respectful but they drive us crazy. About 15 years or so ago DH and I decided Thanksgiving and Easter were going to be just us alone. This was before we had children and continued after. We would get together with everyone for only Christmas. We visit with them at other times of the year also but not for any other holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why are you playing martyr? Just put your foot down and refuse to host.

What’s up with all the doormat women posting here tonight???

Martyr? This is a family. Sometimes it is what it is. I don't think cutting off a whole family from the spouse is the answer. Just limited interaction.

This president was elected by about 25% of eligible voters- they all go to someone's house for Easter, right? [/quote

I would still host sometimes OP, but like someone else said, don't he minimum. Ask guests (aside from the elderly) to bring food and make it a pot luck. Have the gathering later in the day and say you have to wrap it up by whenever, so people don't stay all afternoon.

If anyone asks why, you can tell them that mil and fill are getting more tired and frail. (True story.)

You are a good DIL to host these mean people in your home on the holidays, but everything eventually has to change. Maybe go out of town for a less major holiday every year, and let your mil/fil know in advance you won't be hosting.

Basically start weaning the family off coming to your house every holiday, because eventually your dh's parents will pass away and you will stop hosting this completely.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are sacrificing your holidays so your in-laws can have a holiday. Does your DH understand how hard it is for you, and how not-fun and depressing and non-celebratory it is for you?

How is it that none of the other kids have homes where your parents-in-law can go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are sacrificing your holidays so your in-laws can have a holiday. Does your DH understand how hard it is for you, and how not-fun and depressing and non-celebratory it is for you?

How is it that none of the other kids have homes where your parents-in-law can go?

Their houses are not accessible...many stairs, little room. Also, they cannot cook well, really, and are just not adept to hosting company at all.

[Anonymous]

Life is too short to be miserable every holiday and have a house full of jerks. You're entitled to live your life. Go away for the next holiday and let them figure out where to have their hate party. You're H can visit them for the holidays alone on a different day if he cares to keep awful people in his life. And the holiday after that, don't host or spend the actual holiday will th them.

[Anonymous]

So strange that EVERYONE on DCUM suddenly has horrible, racist, intolerant in-laws after the election. Strange they didn't before. Maybe OP is the intolerant one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are sacrificing your holidays so your in-laws can have a holiday. Does your DH understand how hard it is for you, and how not-fun and depressing and non-celebratory it is for you?

How is it that none of the other kids have homes where your parents-in-law can go?

Their houses are not accessible...many stairs, little room. Also, they cannot cook well, really, and are just not adept to hosting company at all.

Don’t make that your problem to fix. They’ll figure something out.

Are you the hostess with the most-est, whose house everyone always has to go to for all the holidays? Maybe your ILs have become resentful and are being passive-aggressive about always having to go to your house and having to celebrate all the holidays your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being very kind and generous to your in-laws, but it's time to move on from them for the holidays. I would tell your husband that the time with his parents now needs to be during regular times and not with the rest of the family. Invite them for dinner or brunch on a regular weekend. And then go away for the holidays - go see your kids, go on vacation. Do whatever you want and let the ILs figure it out.

You've put in enough time and patience. It's time for them to step up and take care of their parents for the holidays. It's time for your husband to take a stand. And if he wants to host them be fine with it. It will just be done without you in the picture - you go to a spa weekend with friends or alone!

OP—please print out this post. It’s spot on. All of it. You do not have to host for the holidays. There are other ways to handle this. PP has given you the roadmap.

If you choose to continue with this, then you never really wanted to change your situation and see getting something out of it. It’s up to you.

[Anonymous]

How about your have a friends' holiday celebration on another day. Lots of people do a friendsgiving in November the weekend before Thanksgiving. I think this could be done for every holiday you want to celebrate, invite people you enjoy on days they don't have family obligations.

That, and learn to treat them like people with dementia. Know that they cannot know any better and it is just sad.

[Anonymous]

Life is short. The inlaws won't be around much longer. If I were in your position I'd choose love and partner with my husband to get those days to mean something. If you can't do it for them, do it for him.

You know you can control you right ? You can choose to be happy or choose not to be. If you decide this holiday will be all about love, it will be.

Try it. Turn a negative into a positive.

And you ladies seriously need to stop being mean and calling your sisters door mats. All that does is tear each other down. You want to elevate each other.

[Anonymous]

Just make a new rule:. NO POLITICS. I have friends who are conservative and I am liberal. However, we have other things in common and we never, ever discuss politics.

[Anonymous]

I would have a pre-holiday meal with the parents and no longer host the extended ILs. Celebrate and create new family traditions with your family/spouse.

We did this with people we felt them same way you do about. It works wonderfully.