Mean and Tough Inlaws

[Anonymous]

I would stop hosting events and would also stop attending events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you go over to their place? Just say you can’t host this year and that’s that. Could you make up an excuse about you working certain holidays and can’t host?

SILs never host and their houses are not accessible for the parents.ILs are infirmed - their last hosting event was about 20 years ago, in their early 70s.

Yeah, I can make up a story and we could just take off, but then these older parents don't have a holiday or a birthday, or even a 4th of July. You are probably wondering why I care. Well, their personalities were always the same- it didn't get worse as they aged, but now they are really alone. They can't get out much, and while they had few friends in their heyday, all of them are dead now. It's when they can see their grandchildren and children. Unfortunately, they've got this one stupid liberal daughter in law....me! My husband is also- but they don't believe him, actually. I had 30 some years to cut them all out, but my husband does love his parents, and when the kids were young it was great- a whole house full.

Now is not the time for me to say no more, but it hurts more because I am so sad and lonely for what is supposed to be good family days. My parents are gone, and I miss my own nuclear and extended family. Pulling up my big girl pants.

So really, you’re not looking to end this. Please take control of your life. You don’t have to host racist, intolerant a-holes. Tell your husband that you’ve had it and that the whole situation makes you profoundly sad. Say that if he continues to want to host his family he’ll have to do all the work. Stop being such a whiny doormat.

This. Fly out next holiday to be with *your* kids.

[Anonymous]

Please implement some boundaries. You do NOT have to host every single holiday and birthday. Pick one that you won't host and go somewhere with your DH. They will be fine if you give them advanced notice.

[Anonymous]

I change the subject and say that it's not polite to discuss politics at the dinner table. If it's my family I'm more direct and shut it down instantly and say "We're not discussing politics"

[Anonymous]

If you weren’t related, you’d feel no obligation to people like this. If they’re alone on holidays, it’s a consequence of their decisions and behaviors, not yours. If you must host, put boundaries in place. Be ready to walk out of the room, or even walk out of the house. Keep you calm and don’t make faces while saying something like “I won’t have this conversation.” It’s time to reduce contact and start living the life you want to live. There’s no way to do this without conflict, unfortunately. But you’re experiencing conflict right now; you’re just expected to bear the burden of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being very kind and generous to your in-laws, but it's time to move on from them for the holidays. I would tell your husband that the time with his parents now needs to be during regular times and not with the rest of the family. Invite them for dinner or brunch on a regular weekend. And then go away for the holidays - go see your kids, go on vacation. Do whatever you want and let the ILs figure it out.

You've put in enough time and patience. It's time for them to step up and take care of their parents for the holidays. It's time for your husband to take a stand. And if he wants to host them be fine with it. It will just be done without you in the picture - you go to a spa weekend with friends or alone!

+100 to this. To the poster saying to go to their place, I would not go to the SIL’s place. Home territory just makes people more confident and aggressive. I would stop this holiday hosting and start ghosting out of being around DH’s family except perhaps the grandparents. I had a similar situation and they were so awful (after 8 years of baiting, insults, etc) that we just cut them off two years ago. (We are a younger couple). We are so much happier. You’ve put in the time and you’ve been exceptionally kind-your holidays are limited and should be happy and enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

I would stop hosting events and would also stop attending events.

This X100. If DH loves them so much then encourage him to attend some of their events by himself. You do not have to host people who are rude guests in your house. You don't have to go places that you don't want to be.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a very nice person and your dh is lucky to have you. Dont worry, all is not lost, your kids will hopefully have kids and you can have happy holidays again one day!

In the meantime, it’s okay to not do it all for them. Really. Just the parents and just a few times a year instead. You matter, too!

[Anonymous]

I mean really, you need to get over the 4th of July. Tis makes me think you're doing the hosting extremely frequently, if you're counting all holidays. Or birthdays for anyone other than the elderly grandparents.

You have to tel your husband you just can't do it as frequently. And go away some holidays. The world will not end if the family does not gather for a BBQ for the 4th of July!

[Anonymous]

Let your SILs host in your accessible house while you fly to see your kids. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Well, I may start with Mother's Day.
#agiftformyself

[Anonymous]

So they are infirm but they clearly live somewhere. No one can go to them and bring a picnic or just visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you knew they had Alzheimer’s you would be able to dismiss what they say and pity them instead. Somehow, you need to get to a place of sympathy for their lack of awareness because you cannot reform them. What you are doing is a kindness to your DH and to his family. One that he will always recognize and thank you for. Yes, it is a sacrifice and it is maddening, but sometimes you have to help the fools.

DP, That’s so easy for you to say because you’re not on the receiving end of the homophobic, racist, classist vitriol. And though my black face or my gay friends may not be in the room when this happens, but in the face of injustice and evil when people don’t speak up that just serves to perpetuate systemic hatred and institutionalized cultural and social racism and homophobia. and some of us G damn have to live with that bullshit.
And no it does no one a favor and it is not kind to suffer and patronize hatred.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but people can’t be in my house spouting racism and hatred.
At some point you can’t reason with evil and ugliness and deliberate ignorance but you’re not going to spread that crap in my home, not in my space, not in my presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would stop hosting events and would also stop attending events.

This X100. If DH loves them so much then encourage him to attend some of their events by himself. You do not have to host people who are rude guests in your house. You don't have to go places that you don't want to be.

I can relate to your situation. I did 20 hard years with critical, homophobic, racist inlaws that repeatedly attempted to sue us for fabricated reasons; I have been no contact for 4 years-- best decision ever. If this is causing you sadness and distress you need to put yourself first, finally.