Does sharing your emotions with your spouse help anything?

[Anonymous]

I'm a guy raised in the Midwest in the 70s. I seem to have learned at an early age that people do not want to be bothered by your emotional concerns. So, when I feel negative emotions, my impulse is to keep them to myself. And, in fact, when I've very occasionally shared feelings of unhappiness, sadness, anger, etc. with my wife, I don't feel like anything positive ever came out of not just bottling that shit up. So, that's the background. I read a relationship blog post from a woman who was talking about feeling better about her relationship when, after some couple's counseling, her husband just let her talk about her emotions -- occasionally just sort of repeating back her emotional state and asking her to tell her more.

Does this kind of thing actually help the relationship? It didn't sound like the husband in that scenario was actually engaging in a meaningful way. Or maybe it's more of a one way, gendered kind of thing? Helping the wife work through her emotions is generally positive, but the man expressing his emotions is not generally very helpful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy raised in the Midwest in the 70s. I seem to have learned at an early age that people do not want to be bothered by your emotional concerns. So, when I feel negative emotions, my impulse is to keep them to myself. And, in fact, when I've very occasionally shared feelings of unhappiness, sadness, anger, etc. with my wife, I don't feel like anything positive ever came out of not just bottling that shit up. So, that's the background. I read a relationship blog post from a woman who was talking about feeling better about her relationship when, after some couple's counseling, her husband just let her talk about her emotions -- occasionally just sort of repeating back her emotional state and asking her to tell her more.

Does this kind of thing actually help the relationship? It didn't sound like the husband in that scenario was actually engaging in a meaningful way. Or maybe it's more of a one way, gendered kind of thing? Helping the wife work through her emotions is generally positive, but the man expressing his emotions is not generally very helpful?

Whoops, should be "just sort of repeating back her emotional state and asking her to tell him more"

[Anonymous]

Um, my spouse tells me how they're feeling all the time. I'm their spouse. I'm the witness to their life. If they're not telling me, then they're carrying that burden themselves. Who wants to live like that?

[Anonymous]

I think therapists are ideal for unloading emotions. Partners don’t want to be continuous unloading docks. It can be draining! So I would say talk about your emotions as it pertains to a household or relationship problem, but then figure out a solution and try to move on. Men never want to see therapists but I think they could really benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, my spouse tells me how they're feeling all the time. I'm their spouse. I'm the witness to their life. If they're not telling me, then they're carrying that burden themselves. Who wants to live like that?

Your gratuitous use of the word "um" makes me feel like you're being dismissive.

[Anonymous]

For a short while, I did not share as much with my DW as I didn't want to cause unnecessary worry or to burden her. What she said to me is that through my sharing with her, it brings us closer together - it provides her with the emotional connection that she needs from me. From my perspective it's not about having answers but rather actively listening and most of the time it's about creating that safe space to unload to the person you love and trust the most.

So yes, we do this pretty regularly (beyond the "how was your day) when we carve out time w/o the kids around and it has made our relationship that much stronger on all fronts.

[Anonymous]

If there is something that your spouse can do that will help, even if that thing is just listening and validating your feelings, or expressing sympathy, then I think it's helpful to share your feelings. If they are doing or not doing something that hurts you somehow, and it's something they could stop doing or start doing, then I think sharing helps. If it's just venting your negative emotions on them all the time, or you're just criticizing them, then I think it's better to keep it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have friends? Male friends. Don't dump it all on your wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, sadly you are a victim of social norms - how men are supposed to always feel strong, in charge etc. They are only "allowed" to feel anger and get harshly criticized for that. You may also have married an emotionally unavailable woman mirroring what you grew up with...

I think a parallel development to feminism and gender equality should be that men must be allowed to be emotional and vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have friends? Male friends. Don't dump it all on your wife.

I do. But I can't say that we sit around and talk about our feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, my spouse tells me how they're feeling all the time. I'm their spouse. I'm the witness to their life. If they're not telling me, then they're carrying that burden themselves. Who wants to live like that?

This is such a big deal. I see my husband this way--he is the witness to my life (and vice versa), and I wanted, and have, a compassionate witness. If your spouse doesn't know the full complexity of your life--what you feel, what you are struggling with, what you are rejoicing about--does anyone? Being seen is important.

[Anonymous]

I think a parallel development to feminism and gender equality should be that men must be allowed to be emotional and vulnerable.

Men: if you do this, your wife will think you are a pussy and will despise you, so don't do it.

Also, feminism may insist that men should be more like women, but that is never going to work, although that won't stop deranged feminists from pushing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, my spouse tells me how they're feeling all the time. I'm their spouse. I'm the witness to their life. If they're not telling me, then they're carrying that burden themselves. Who wants to live like that?

This is such a big deal. I see my husband this way--he is the witness to my life (and vice versa), and I wanted, and have, a compassionate witness. If your spouse doesn't know the full complexity of your life--what you feel, what you are struggling with, what you are rejoicing about--does anyone? Being seen is important.

He just wants to relax after work, have dinner, watch TV, and hopefully have sex later. He doesn't really want to know the "full complexity of your life" -- although he will pretend to so that you'll be in the mood for that sex later.

[Anonymous]

Married 25+ years, and over time I've come to realize that DW just wants someone she can dump on and vent to, but isn't particularly interested in what's going on with me. The same seems to be the case for my male friends.

While it may be true that "society teaches men to ...' blah blah, I think at the end of the day, women aren't particularly interested in the emotional lives of men. Unless it's going to be disruptive to their own life plan, in which case they want to know all about it so they can control and solve you.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I don't feel comfortable dumping my emotions on my spouse. Yes, he'd probably want to fix things. I probably don't want that. Also, I'd be worried he was judging me (even though he probably wasn't).