Ever have a mom or parent who really changed in their late 50's or early 60"s?

[Anonymous]

My mom was a young mom, I was 22 when I was born and she had my brother at 21. I am now 42. I noticed as she became an empty nester she started really spreading her wings in terms of interests which made us all happy. For 20 something years she stayed home and took care of myself and 2 brothers. Got us to school, our many sports and activities and really was a fantastic parent along with my dad (but who had a medical practice so was not home a lot). Most of the child rearing fell to my mom.

Anyway around 57 she took up golf, tennis and yoga. By 60 she was teaching yoga. By 61 she started a travel group for women 55-65. They travel 3-4 times a year for 12 weeks all around the world. She has always loved travel and this was a perfect thing for her to do. She has as a result developed many friend groups and is the busiest 64 year old I. know! She has changed even in personality, she is super liberal now- whereas she was a conservative growing up.

She has friends young and old, does things like pottery making, graphic design and works on antique dollhouse in her spare time (there isn't much). She lives out of state but maintains a very active social media presence so I get to see and hear all about it (besides when we talk/see each other). My dad is fine with it as he is very busy with his practice but in about 5 years when he retires I am not sure where/how he will fit into her busy life as his entire life has been about practicing medicine and an occasional golf game.

Love that she is so happy but its' weird that I feel like I don't know her the way I always had. The person I knew growing up and who I could tell my inner most secrets to is not the person she is today. I think this is quite unusual and just wondering if any one has had this happen? I recently started therapy for the first time ever, and the therapist thinks that because she got married and had kids so young, she is now doing all the things she would have probably wanted to do in her 20's,etc...never really thought about it that way but makes sense though it doesn't make my own feelings any easier to try and grapple.

I was away for away with my husband for medical conference in China and a few days before we were leaving, she calls and tells me she is considering going to a Buddhist retreat but the program is for one month. That just struck me in a weird way, like who goes away and leaves their life behind for one month? I am supposed to see her tomorrow and just not sure how to react.

[Anonymous]

OP here I meant SHE was 22 when I was born and also did not mean they travel for 12 weeks, meant 1-2 weeks each trip!

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t your reaction that she wants to go away and focus on wellness be anything but happinesss for her? I clicked on this post thinking that it would be someone talking about the mental deterioration of a parent (like I am experiencing). I would so love to have your “problem.”

[Anonymous]

My mom became dramatically happier and more pleasant in her late 70s. At first, I was very cautious, but I’ve been encouraging her and she has blossomed.

[Anonymous]

Nope - their existing quirks are just a little more intense, that's all .

As for your mother, perhaps I'll be her in a couple of decades. I had my first at 25, and since he has special needs, am really focused on parenting right now. Yet I have lots of interests I'm putting on the back burner, so when my kids are independent, perhaps I'll have wings to spread too!

And a month-long buddhist retreat is great. My husband's Vietnamese grandmother abandoned her minor children to live permanently in a buddhist monastery as a nun, so be glad she's not doing that

[Anonymous]

I’d be thrilled and proud of your mom, OP. I think you need to be an adult now and recognize that she is a whole person, not just your mom. Build a new relationship with her that’s on a more equal footing. Sounds like she gave her children all of herself for decades. It’s her turn to live her life for herself now.

[Anonymous]

Who wouldn’t leave their life for a month to do something fulfilling. She has no financial or parental obligations. Are you against travel or against travel for your mom?

[Anonymous]

A month is no big deal.

All sounds good. Yay mom!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she sounds fantastic.

[Anonymous]

It’s just not all about you. Why can’t you genuinely be happy for her instead of questioning (actually judging) her for traveling or as you put it “leaving her life for a month?”

[Anonymous]

Are you jealous of her life?
Or maybe do you feel somehow rejected - like when she was raising you it wasn’t the life she wanted, and now she’s apparently having the life she wants?

[Anonymous]

She sounds amazing and inspiring. My mother, on the other hand, is 70, and has very few interests, no friends, no community involvement, does not work or volunteer, and spends most of her time watching TV and on the computer. I always wish that she had more interests/a more active lifestyle but she is content to just stay home most of the time and putter around the house.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part of my parents growing older is seeing them go on vacations that we could never afford to go on while I was growing up. They never invite me.

I know - I could pay for these myself. Except I can't.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I don't know her the way I always had. The person I knew growing up and who I could tell my inner most secrets to is not the person she is today

Op, I could be your Mother (though maybe not as interesting ) Many mothers reflect on what their role should be when their children are adults. Many mothers decide that since their children are independent, the relationship can now be more of a peer. A peer relationship. OP, your statement above does not match this reality. You'd like to still have a Mommy. Some woman continue more in a Mommy role, being the Matriarch, insisting on a lead role, keeping power over the younger generation, and the younger generation gets some comfort that all is well, that Mommy is there to fix things . This is not your Mother. Be grateful for the good thing re: how she sees her role, but it's not this.

Here's how you approach the new reality: do, act and speak as if she were a friend. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to your Mom. Support each other, but know that it's not a one-way street. She does not need to take care of you anymore than you need to take care of her. No hurting her feelings if you wouldn't want that yourself. This is an equal relationship ... at least approach it that way. Start from the point and you're a whole lot more likely to develop a meaningful, mature relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The hardest part of my parents growing older is seeing them go on vacations that we could never afford to go on while I was growing up. They never invite me.

I know - I could pay for these myself. Except I can't.

Bitterness isn’t a good look on you, PP.