Ever have a mom or parent who really changed in their late 50's or early 60"s?

[Anonymous]

.. and as a retired, traveling parent, a couple thoughts. If we provide your vacations for you, as a bit more of an extreme example, we are setting-you-up to not be satisfied with the kinds of vacations you can provide for yourself. Any vacation can be fun .. camping, something low cost, it's still worthwhile. And it's YOUR trip. Spoiling is a slippery slope. Provide too much as a parent and those who are "treated" may not be as satisfied, take enough pride in what they can do for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like I don't know her the way I always had. The person I knew growing up and who I could tell my inner most secrets to is not the person she is today

Op, I could be your Mother (though maybe not as interesting ) Many mothers reflect on what their role should be when their children are adults. Many mothers decide that since their children are independent, the relationship can now be more of a peer. A peer relationship. OP, your statement above does not match this reality. You'd like to still have a Mommy. Some woman continue more in a Mommy role, being the Matriarch, insisting on a lead role, keeping power over the younger generation, and the younger generation gets some comfort that all is well, that Mommy is there to fix things . This is not your Mother. Be grateful for the good thing re: how she sees her role, but it's not this.

Here's how you approach the new reality: do, act and speak as if she were a friend. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to your Mom. Support each other, but know that it's not a one-way street. She does not need to take care of you anymore than you need to take care of her. No hurting her feelings if you wouldn't want that yourself. This is an equal relationship ... at least approach it that way. Start from the point and you're a whole lot more likely to develop a meaningful, mature relationship.

This is really wise and great advice.

[Anonymous]

That sounds amazing. My mom is a good person but with age she has become much more materialistic and somewhat acrid. I think this peaked around 65 and is coming back down to her normal levels, but it was unpleasant for a while. I think my mom is naturally just very jealous and anxious and that is a huge driver of who she will always be at her core. Social media does not make her better or happier and unfortunately she is very drawn to it; I understand this is a huge issue with people around retirement and post retirement age, so it’s not just her. She has lovely, generous, kind parts too. I wish she had hobbies that were enriching beyond materialism and I wish she hadn’t more “real” friendships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds amazing and inspiring. My mother, on the other hand, is 70, and has very few interests, no friends, no community involvement, does not work or volunteer, and spends most of her time watching TV and on the computer. I always wish that she had more interests/a more active lifestyle but she is content to just stay home most of the time and putter around the house.

+1

MIL too. Rather be your mom, OP - than petulant and acrid! She seems like a really (truly) neat, kind, interesting, non -bitter old person that enjoys life. May I be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

I’ve heard you get bitter or you get better. She sounds amazing. Joy to her and you

[Anonymous]

Many moms could learn a lot from your mom. I wish my mom was more like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn’t your reaction that she wants to go away and focus on wellness be anything but happinesss for her? I clicked on this post thinking that it would be someone talking about the mental deterioration of a parent (like I am experiencing). I would so love to have your “problem.”

First, I go away for a 2-4 weeks almost every year.

Second, what the above poster said. My mom does zilch. I'd love to have a happy mom who makes friends and has interests.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a young mom. Sahm. Catholic. Conservative. Suburban house wife.

Now lives semi off grid in a mountain, liberal eco activist, long white haired Buddhist, alpaca farmer.

So yes I’ve seen what you mean op. Some people really change a lot. I plan to be one of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like I don't know her the way I always had. The person I knew growing up and who I could tell my inner most secrets to is not the person she is today

Op, I could be your Mother (though maybe not as interesting ) Many mothers reflect on what their role should be when their children are adults. Many mothers decide that since their children are independent, the relationship can now be more of a peer. A peer relationship. OP, your statement above does not match this reality. You'd like to still have a Mommy. Some woman continue more in a Mommy role, being the Matriarch, insisting on a lead role, keeping power over the younger generation, and the younger generation gets some comfort that all is well, that Mommy is there to fix things . This is not your Mother. Be grateful for the good thing re: how she sees her role, but it's not this.

Here's how you approach the new reality: do, act and speak as if she were a friend. If you wouldn't say it to a friend, don't say it to your Mom. Support each other, but know that it's not a one-way street. She does not need to take care of you anymore than you need to take care of her. No hurting her feelings if you wouldn't want that yourself. This is an equal relationship ... at least approach it that way. Start from the point and you're a whole lot more likely to develop a meaningful, mature relationship.

Excellent point. But the converse is that if Mom isn't a person that I'd spend time with as friends, what's left? The bond is broken and maybe that's what OP misses. I kinda feel that sometimes. My own Mom prefers the 'friend' approach rather than the matriarch approach, and I just don't need that as much. I like that she's a cheerleader for my kids, but otherwise there isn't much of a relationship.

Not saying that I'd prefer a Facebook-obsessed couch potato. But I know what it's like to feel like Mom's moved on.

[Anonymous]

She wanted to be the best mom she could when she raised you. Now she wants to be the best version of herself or just plain enjoy life. It's not a comparison or competition with your childhood, OP. My guess is that is what some of the issue nis. You feel the need to figure out of your mom likes this part of her life more than the part that involved (or rather revovled around) you and your brothers 24/7/365. Life isn't always one or the other. She is the same person probably in most respects, it's just that as kids you didn't see it , which is fine. Kids don't GAF about their parents internal interests and what not. She probably wasn't super conservative in her thinking after all, etc. She probably just went with what her husband or peer group did/said and came into her own later. 21 year olds are so so young. She didn't have any of that time to herself. She has it now. She is still your mom

[Anonymous]

My parents' lives revolved around my siblings and me when we were kids. They never did anything without us. I don't even remember a single time they went out to dinner or to a movie without a kid present. The extent of our travel was driving to the Outer Banks. When the last kid moved out, they were so sad. They spent a lot of time moping around the house, watching TV and bickering.

Thankfully, by luck they made friends with this one couple who then brought them into their big, active social circle. Now they have a big group of empty nester/retired friends. They've started traveling all over the world - China, Spain, Morocco, Italy. This past New Year's Eve, my mom called me tipsy and happy at midnight from a big loud party. I was in bed in my pjs (newborn and toddler- no desire to do anything but sleep). They were out at this party until 5 AM dancing! I am really happy for them.

You know the version of her that dedicated herself to her family. Now you are lucky enough to get to know who she is apart from just being your mom. Is there something you aren't getting from her that you need?

[Anonymous]

This was my grandmother, for the last 20 or so years of her life, after my grandfather died. They had a good marriage, but my grandfather was very traditional. After he died, my grandmother really branched out. Not that they were all entirely new interests, but she got to do them the way she wanted, and to be the focus of her own life. It was pretty fantastic.

[Anonymous]

I have NO life now. I want to be like your mom when my kids are grown and launched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds amazing and inspiring. My mother, on the other hand, is 70, and has very few interests, no friends, no community involvement, does not work or volunteer, and spends most of her time watching TV and on the computer. I always wish that she had more interests/a more active lifestyle but she is content to just stay home most of the time and putter around the house.

+1

MIL too. Rather be your mom, OP - than petulant and acrid! She seems like a really (truly) neat, kind, interesting, non -bitter old person that enjoys life. May I be so lucky.

+2. Only no computer, just TV. Oh, and she gets meaner with each passing year.

[Anonymous]

I want to be like your mom at 60